New Year New ?

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year "Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown." And he replied,"Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God; that shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way!"

Minnie Louise Harkins 1875-1957

This year is the first year for ages that I am entering with a degree of certainty - if that is ever possible. This year I am not giving up a job to retrain, I am not qualifying and looking for work. I have a job, and as long as I pass my NQT year, and my school agree then I have a job. James' job is secure and certain. In a way this certainty unsettles me more than the uncertainty.

Over the last few years I have been forced to rely on God and turn to Him for options and guidance. I have trusted Him and taken the path He has guided me down. I have felt like I am really walking the path He has laid out for me. When I got my job last year it felt so God given, and right. But this year does not seem to have any such event on the horizon and that in itself brings an uncertainty!

This first term of my teaching career has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I have struggled with managing my class' behaviour, along with all the stuff they don't teach you at college about paperwork, parents, records, displays etc. Each week I force myself to think about the things I have achieved - the good points to hang my progress and success on. There have been moments when I have felt good - like I know what I am doing, like this is what I am supposed to be doing. There have also been vivid and dark moments when I have felt like giving up. Moments when the Devil has actually taunted me, telling me that I am no good, to do it for a year and then forget it. When I turn to God and talk to Him then I get reminders. I also get flashes of a memory that I did not start pursuing this career to teach mainstream forever, and whilst the idea of teaching children with Autism, or other special needs, is very alien and inconceivable right now I think God sometimes gently reminds me that He is in control.

I am sure that this year will contain many surprises and decisions. I know that when choices need to be made, or questions answered that James and I will turn to God and seek His guidance. I also know that in the times that there are none of these things to be done then God is simply asking that I rest in Him. I need to remember that God is not just a crisis manager, or some sort of celestial life compass. He is my Lord and Saviour and desires a relationship with me. I need to talk to Him, listen to Him and seek his presence every day. In doing this I hope that that His voice will become clearer and my uncertainty more comfortable to bear.