Christmas

So this is Christmas.

More and more I am challenged by what Christmas means, and how I should celebrate it. Last year our church focussed on Advent and, coupled with having most of Advent off, helped me to focus on looking forward, and thinking about teh arrival of God in our world again.

This year I spent alot of Advent being tired - teaching is exhausting. I couldn't get caught up in the hype and so, quite by mistake, I arrived at the week before Christmas ready for a rest, and ready to focus on spending time with the people I love and care for.

At our Christmas Carol Service there was a audio visual presentation and this quote struck me:

" The way you spend Christmas is far more important than how much."

I am realising that Christmas is not about presents, or food, or money. It is about giving time and love. Its about having conversations with people you only see at Christmas, listening to the people you thought you knew, but have grown and changed with the passing of the years, peeling potatoes and parsnips for Christmas lunch, chatting over glasses of champagne with your newly married friends in their lovely home, pulling on your thermals to watch a ruggby game you know your team will lose. It's about making 3.5kg of fudge, and grapefruit marmalade late at night.

I hope that I have managed to do that this year.

I know that there are many people I fail to love like I should. I know that there are people I fail to stay in touch with, things I could do but don't and things I say or think that I shouldn't.

I know that Jesus, when He stepped into the story that is my world and yours, was ready for the good and the bad. He came into a dirty difficult world, eyes open and ready to show it love. He never failed, and that allows me to get it wrong over and over again.

I hope that the way I celebrated this year will teach me more about Christ as I journey through the next 12 months. I am looking forward - as well as back.

The power of prayer

3am Sunday Morning

The Fourth Plinth - This Saturday night 3am until 4am

Right I have decided what I am going to do. Unfortunately I got the day wrong 3am on Sunday is in fact Saturday night!!
If you want to see me, During the event - or at all on Sunday go here: www.oneanother.co.uk and click on my timeslot.
In Trafalgar square!
I admire Gormley's work, especially his figure at Winchester Cathedral and I would like to emulate that on the plinth.
Art is not about entertaining or interacting with the viewer necessarily, but does give the artist a chance to express a feeling, a thought or a belief.
I am a 29 year old Christian woman.
My faith is the core of who I am, it grounds me and anchors me. It is my moral code, my joy, my desire. If my faith does not spill over into my actions, if it is not evident to others then I am getting it wrong.
So, I want to use my time on the plinth to pray for the city I live in. Sitting in the heart of the city will give me an opportunity to face each part of the city, North, South, East and West and pray for each in turn. As I do so I am going to light a candle as a symbol. If health and safety will let me.
I want to pray for peace and harmony. I want to pray for people I know in different parts of the city. I want to pray for hospitals, and the police. I want to pray for schools and the children of our city, the young people so intent on killing each other. I want to pray for God's grace, and love and mercy.
I am not going to pray out loud. Only God needs to hear my prayers.
And, like an hour in a prayer room, I am sure it will whizz by.
So yes. That's me, my hour.
Entertaining - no
Important - you decide
Art - well yes!

The Fourth Pinth - One & Other

One & Other
Next Sunday night at 3am I will be taking part in a public art project in Trafalgar Square. Anthony Gormley, the sculptor, came up with a project to fill the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square with the people of Britain. To quote the website
"They will become an image of themselves, and a representation of the whole of humanity. "
I applied, not expecting that out of the 28821 applicants I would be one of the 2400 people selected for an hour. The places are distributed around the UK to give a true picture rather than just a load of Londoners.
Anyway I have a slot. It's in the middle of the night but it is still a slot.
When I applied I originally thought I would just sit silently and pray. However at 3 in the morning this is just going to look like I am asleep.
So what should I do?
I have thought about reading a book of the Bible out loud - Maybe a gospel, or Phillipians? Or maybe even starting at the beginning with Genesis.
Friends last night said I should bake - I need to be able to carry all my stuff up there but with a camping stove some sort of food might not be out of the question.
I want my hour on the plinth - whether it is seen by many or few - to be a witness to who I am the what I believe. I don't have a talent - I can't sing, or dance, or play an instrument.
How can I share my qualities, and make the few people who might see me think?
Answers please....!
Hannah x

NQT

I did it!
I am now officially an Newly Qualified Teacher!
I cannot quite comprehend all that I have learnt, experienced or achieved in the last 10 months, going from User Involvement Worker to Primary School teacher. This week I have been exhausted. I haven't even considered September and all the new challenges that will bring. I am off on hols and then I am going into school when I get back. I need to rest, to restore, to renew.
Everyone tells you a PGCE is hard work, stressful, intense. And yes at times it has been all of those things.
However all along, no matter how tough times were, I have carried the overwhelming sense that I am on the right path.
I have never been sure of why God is leading me this way but have tried to trust Him and follow.
And that's what I continue to do. It is only with Him that I will succeed.
As well as a new career as a teacher I have gained something more; friends! Which at the age of nearly 30 is something really special.
It has been a great 10 months. I find it both amazing and terrifying to be given the privilege of educating children but its a challenge I'm willing to try.
Hannah

T minus 25

On July 3rd after a day of relaxation I will officially graduate from Wandsworth SCITT as a NQT with a PGCE and QTS. In short I will be a primary school teacher!
I am TERRIFIED!
The last few months have been quite surreal - hence the lack of blogging. All my mental energy has gone into assignment writing, lesson planning, evaluating and job interviews.
I have written two 5000 word masters level essays. They were tough - and I seemed to be living under their weight for a long time. Handing the final assignment in I felt like I was emerging from a long hibernation. There was light at the end of the tunnel and I felt lighter and happier. I now know that I have passed both these papers although I don't have results yet.
On May 18th I had an interview for a teaching job at a Junior School nearby to me. I have felt an enormous sense of calm about job hunting. I firmly believe that God led me into this PGCE and future career and that He would find me a school where I can continue to serve and glorify him. Earlier in the year I attended a panel interview for the Southwark Diocesan Board of Education NQT Pool. I went to the interview not expecting anything spectacular - whilst Church Schools are reasonably common I had not previously considered working in one. Anyway the interview went well and a couple of weeks later one of the heads from my panel called me to tell me she had two vacancies at her school and would I apply. The school was larger than I had anticipated joining but I gave it to God. After a great but unsuccessful interview elsewhere I attended the interview on May 18th already knowing in my heart that God wanted me at the school. It was an odd feeling- and it sounds really boastful in print - but I did my best and waited for the call. In short I got the job! It is a great relief to have a post for September and reduces the pressure in the last few weeks of teaching.
As of Monday morning I have two and half weeks of teaching practice left. The other trainees in my school were talking about final grading the other day. All of my observations have been good so far - with some elements of very good. So I started thinking is 'good' good enough? And how can I be 'very good?' I am tired, and whilst these weeks will fly by I know they are going to be pressured and busy and I need to summon energy from somewhere to make it through. I know that I have got the foundations of teaching solid and now I need to take risks, build and expand my style - all at a time when my tank is nearly empty and my soul is aching for the week getaway on the Isle of Wight that James and I have booked in July.
I also find myself in a position where I cannot look back yet and appreciate all that I have achieved since the start of September. I am stuck in fast forward, and yes scared by the future. Learning to teach is a fairly safe environment but in September I will have my own class of 30 children with all their wonderful differences, strengths and weaknesses. I will find myself faced with 30 faces all seeing me as the expert. I have no idea how to start a year, how to introduce myself etc etc. I know that, like this year, iIwill learn. I will learn the ways of the school, I will learn about the children, I will build relationships with them, their parents, other teachers, staff and management. I know that God has led me there and He will not abandon me but I am still scared.
But for now, at t minus 25 days I need to focus on finishing my placement - being the best I can be.
H x

I am a Christian

This: I am a Christian
has annoyed me. I am so wound up that this post could end up being a rant.
This Christian radio station is trying to get 100, 000 people to publicly declare their faith. By signing a declaration online. I don't seem to be able to find the list of people who've signed up so I can't report how close they are to their target. The website tells me that this 'campaign' is in response to the National Secular Society's (them again, twice in three posts) debaptism efforts. The website says:
"Premier’s “I am a Christian” campaign is asking you to take this opportunity to publicly affirm your faith and declare that Jesus is relevant to your everyday life.
Make your declaration today and join together with thousands of other Christians around the world."
My answer, in case you haven't guessed, is NO.
No I will not sign up.
I do not want to take this opportunity to publicly affirm my faith and declare Jesus is relevant to my everyday life.
I do that, everyday! By LIVING MY LIFE as best I can.
I try to be more like Jesus everyday, and fail, and ask for forgiveness, and start all over. I declare my faith by trying to be different. By trying to live out the life God wants me to. By following His path, seeking His guidance and in my ways acknowledging Him. I declare my faith by observing Lent, by trying to answer the questions of others, by trying to be humble and merciful. I declare my faith by my membership of a body of believers called a church. I declare my faith when I worship God, in song, and laughter, and prayer and praise. No Premier Radio I do not want to take your opportunity, thank you.
I think the thing that angers me most is that this campaign seems to have no real purpose. It does not seek to fight injustice, it does not address poverty, or slavery. It does not serve its community. It is not asking 100,000 people to declare that Jesus is relevant to their day to day lives by cooking a meal for their elderly neighbour, or writing to their local newspaper asking them why they allow adverts for 'massage services' where women tricked, trafficked and traded are forced to serve their captors. It does not ask me to affirm my faith by tithing my income to the church, giving money to the poor, or even praying for the NSS and its members.
I know that I am standing in judgement of this campaign, and that in itself is not the right thing to do but I am riled and I am ranting.
Mahatma Gandhi is reported to have said: 'An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind'
and Jesus himself taught:
"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" Matthew 5: 43 - 47
So I am not signing the declaration.
I'm off to declare my faith, through prayer, friendship and roast dinner.
H x

"It’s not if I believe in love, But if love believes in me" U2

James went to the pub with his brother and some friends last night. I collapsed into bed at 17.30 and slept for an hour and a half. This week had finally caught up with me! I eventually dragged my sorry self back out of bed to cook and eat supper and settled down to watch 'Brokeback Mountain' or 'That Gay Cowboy Film' as James disdainfully refers to it. I have to say it didn't live up to its hype for me and although I understood its themes and reasons I just got really annoyed with Heath Ledger mumbling away all the time.

James came home a little worse for wear and told me that he'd had a conversation about religion with two of our friends. I enquired further as to what the conversation had entailed and found out that one person had no belief in God whatsoever. Their argument was that they knew the difference between right and wrong without needing a religious code to tell them that. They further argued that in places in the world where people developed without any knowledge of God or Christianity they still developed a moral social order and knew the difference between right and wrong within the boundaries of their society. James admitted he has been somewhat stumped at these ascertains.

After thinking for a minute I turned to him and said that I too had known the difference between right and wrong before I had believed in God. I had morals and stuck to them. My faith does not provide me with a set of morals, it provides me with a hope, a future and a reason for living. I went on to say that I believe that God created the world, and so I believe that He created those people whom Christianity has only recently reached. Therefore they know right and wrong because God has put that within them. I believe He created us all in His image.

'It's a shame you weren't there,' James said.

It goes back to the fact that even if I don't believe in God He believes in me. He created me, He wants the best for me and He loves me. I cannot change that and it is not dependent on whether I know Him or chose to acknowledge Him. This is a really difficult concept. I do not have to do anything to win or gain God's love or relationship. I am offered a free gift that I do not deserve and all I have to do is reach out my hands and take hold of it. Our friend's lack of belief in God does not prove that there is no God. The have chosen to believe in nothing but nothing cannot believe in them. If they ever change their mind then God will be there, the same as He always has been, ready to make His love into a two-way relationship.

Evangelical Atheists

This post comes with a warning. This is not an intelligent, intellectual or informed discussion about the above topic. It is a gut reaction to this article on the BBC Website: Atheists call for 'debaptism'
The man in the article wants to be De-Baptised. He doesn't believe in God and is upset that this ever happened to him. It has taken him 50 years to get around to this so I get the feeling that it can't have been too pressing! Southwark Diocese has refused to remove the record of his baptism.
And quite right too.
Nick Baines, the Bishop quoted in the piece, is the Bishop of Croydon. He is a sensible, sensitive, thoughtful and realistic man. He says:
"You can't remove from the record something that actually happened,"
Too right!
Baptism is not a membership card. It doesn't give you free entry to heaven. It is not the end of a road, it is a door being opened, with a path that you may or may not follow beyond that doorway. The man, Mr Hunt, chose not to follow this path, but there is something about his actions and his vehement opposition that makes me wonder if he is still worried by it. Is he wondering what might happen if he took some steps down it? Would he be forced to face situations, truths, and questions that would trouble him and his almost religious certainty that there is no God?
The article says he went to confirmation classes, and is quite contradictory saying he went to confirmation classes but also decided early on he
'had no place in a hypocritical organisation.'
Seems a bit odd to me. Why didn't he stay home for Sunday lunch instead.
When I was confirmed in 2002 I had many questions. I too was baptised as a baby in a Catholic Church. My parents gave me chances and opportunities to find out more, but equally let me choose not to believe or worship. God too gave me this choice. Throughout the time that I chose not to believe, not to walk with Him, He did not forget me. There was no big catch up on His part when I started talking to Him again in my early twenties. He waited, patiently, and let me ask all my questions. Most importantly as I made the choice to be confirmed (in the Anglican church) God did not present me with a membership card, manual of all the answers and a map of my path. He took my hand, helped me to step over the threshold and start walking His path making no promises that the path was easy. I struggled with the fact that I did not remember my baptism, that it was in another denomination, that I had spent so long not believing. The words that comforted me most came from the creed which we say at communion:
'We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.
We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.'
I came to realise that it didn't matter that I didn't remember it, or that the decisions then weren't my own. They were a start, and confirmation was the next step.
I was at the Baptism of a child last Sunday morning, a couple from my home group's daughter. It was so exciting to see her now and dream of all that she may become. It was more exciting to see her in the context of her family, and her wider church family. To feel the love that she sits within. It was great to be part of the congregation welcoming her and encouraging her. I love the liturgy for the whole congregation to say :
"Do not be ashamed to confess the faith of Christ crucified.
Fight valiantly as a disciple of Christ
against sin, the world and the devil,
and remain faithful to Christ to the end of your life."
I feel like it could be a big cheer at a Rugby match - "Go on girl, you can do it!"
And most importantly whichever path she chooses, however she decides to live her life, whatever she decides to do she will be loved, supported and accepted. By her family and by God. At no stage will she be able to delete or rub that out.

Back to the article! It says:
'The Church wonders aloud why, if atheists and secularists believe baptism is so meaningless, they are letting it upset them.'
and goes on:
'Mr Hunt supplies his own answer.
"Evangelical noises are getting louder and louder."'

I have to agree with the Church on this one. To me it seems that strong Atheist Organisations are the ones making loud Evangelical noises. They seem to be getting very worried about the people of a God they don't believe in and shouting louder and louder in an attempt to convert people to believing in nothing. Which still requires faith. I don't understand, and like I said at the beginning this is not an informed or intelligent discussion. All I do know is that I worship a living God, one with a thick skin and a sense of humour. I know that he exists because I talk to Him and He responds and my life has been better, lighter and more exciting to live since I took His hand and stepped over the threshold and started walking His path. Maybe Mr Hunt should go back, take a look at that path again and instead of trying to delete a historical record, make an informed and adult decision about where he is going to put his faith and hope, and then just get on with doing that, letting his actions and the way he lives his life be his witness.
Hannah x

Spring

As I walked out of college with my friend at lunchtime on Friday I was stopped dead in my tracks. The street was quiet, there was no commotion and I was feeling fine. "The sun!" I exclaimed, "I can feel the sun on my face!" It was the most wonderful feeling, and the warmth radiated not just onto my face but into my soul. I love the feeling of well being that the sunshine brings and the knowledge that spring is trying to push its way into being. Winter seems long and dark, and although I have achieved an enormous amount this winter the promised arrival of spring is very welcome. The last few weeks of the winter have been a strange time. On Sunday February 1st it started snowing, and didn't stop until half way through Monday 2nd. James and I woke up to a world hidden under a duvet of snow, no car noise, no trains, no buses. The bright cold whiteness filled our house. We started off on a journey to the supermarket and ended up sledging and snowballing with our friends and building an 8ft snowman outside our church, who was named 'Trevor Mapsnow'. As we returned home that afternoon to defrost and try and get on with life it felt odd, and that oddness didn't go for over a week. I felt disrupted and displaced, and despite the fun and laughter that the snow brought, I felt very uncomfortable, out of sync. College ended up very topsy turvy and culminated in a morning that left me on the verge of tears. Later that week I received some sad news. It was not entirely unexpected news but my reaction to it, and the feelings it brought with it were. The situation left me confused, and I found myself feeling very uncomfortable with a sense of loss I had not anticipated. The situation felt very awkward, and the confusion felt dark and sad. Several things happened over the next few days and most importantly instead of trying to shoulder all my emotions I poured them out to God. I had a conversation with a close friend which was helpful, although did not give me answers. As that week wore on things started to change, and out of a difficult situation God started to do His work. He created opportunities, blessed conversations, and gave answers to those who needed them. After just ten days what had seemed like a hopeless situation was bringing new life, new opportunities and new hope. It feels like everything is going to be OK, and where God was seemingly absent He is evident and at work. I guess its a bit like Spring. In the depths of winter, when we feel like we have been cheated out of our fair share of sunlight, when the trees are dark and naked, when there are no flowers and people huddle up under hats and scarves, there feels like there is very little hope. On the darkest coldest days it is difficult to remember that this will end, that there will be sunshine again. And then when you have had enough, just when you are least expecting it the sun comes out, bulbs start to push their way through the barren soil, daffodils dare to flash their bright yellow petals for all to see. And as the warmth of the sun hits our faces we remember that there is hope, there will be warm sunny days again, and that God is always working, renewing and bringing light to our darkness.

New Class

I met my new class on Tuesday morning. This is the class that I will teach for 12 weeks in two blocks and they will take me all the way through to qualifying as a teacher!

I hadn't been nervous until my train was pulling into the station - the same station I go to several times a week. A sudden realisation hit me that this class were the ones with whom I will discover my teaching style. my strengths, my weaknesses. They are the class with whom I will have good lessons, and truely awful ones.

There are two other trainees in my school so I am not completely alone. My mentor is also the 'lead' mentor for the school so all three of us went to meet her first. As the other two were taken off to their rooms and I stood alone in an empty classroom I felt very alone. I had a sudden cold dread of panic. 'Do I really want to do this?' I thought.

After leaving my last placement school on a high I am back at the bottom of the pile.

The morning was good. I am going to be OK. I know that I am not alone. I have the support of my mentor, SCITT and my fellow trainees. I also have the support of my husband, my family and my friends.

I also know that hundreds of trainee teachers have gone before me. Standing at the front of a class for the first time, armed with a lesson plan and a nervous smile. I know that I will make mistakes, but I'm ready to learn from them.

Utalitarian Faith

More and more I am learning that my faith is a very practical one. I do not have the gift or prophesy, or speaking in tongues. I am too forgetful to pray with any consistency. I am not a theologist, nor blessed in apologetics. I am not a preacher, or an evangelist. I am not a youth leader or a children's worker.
More and more I realise that God is asking me to show my faith by just getting on with life. Just doing what I'm doing.
If you want to give this a label then my gift is partly 'hospitality'. This isn't just baking, or cooking. It isn't having people over for dinner. It's listening to someone when they really need it, it's offering my computer to the person who needs to send a job application form, its allowing my brother in law to come over, make his own coffee and eat my leftover desserts. It's doing coffee after Church when fewer people than ought to say thank you, or allowing one person to eat at least 1/6th of the cakes I spent time and effort baking without getting angry. It is even more than this too.
The other part of my faith is just getting on with it. It's being a wife to James, loving him, making his lunch, ironing his shirts, saying a kind to word to him when he's upset. It's about listening to my husband when he offers me advice, comforts me and even when he tells me no!
It's also about me being right where God wants me to be right now. Training to be a teacher. Going to lectures, writing my assignments and doing my best. It's about trusting that God will find me a job. The right job.
I've been at Carotty Wood this weekend with Connexions, the 14-18 yr olds Youth Group at Church. I was cooking for 50+ people with my dream team of Rach and Janette (thanks girls we rocked!) When I wasn't in the kitchen, sleeping, or writing my essay I spent time in the group meetings. The theme was Gladiators! On Saturday night Steve spoke about Philip. He finished his talk with clips from Cool Runnings (best film!). His message from the film was this:
‘A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you are not good enough without it, you are not going to be good enough with it.’
You can substitute Gold Medal for any other thing you covet, or desire.
Steve was saying (and please correct me someone if I've got this wrong) that with God we are good enough. We don't need anything else. What we do need to do, like Philip, is listen to God and do what He asks us to do. We shouldn't put him off. We shouldn't say to God I'll do that: 'When I have a job...'. 'When I'm older...' 'When I have a house...'
I sat thinking after Steve's talk and it dawned on me: James and I answered God's call over a year and half ago. We followed a path He laid out for us. James is now in the Police and I am training to teach. We don't have great wealth, or possessions but we're comfortable and in our own home. Greater than that we have the Love of God. We have the assurance of His presence and the comfort of His grace. He has the power to take it all away, and I pray that He doesn't. Right now, at the start of 2009 James and I are walking God's path. The going isn't always going to be easy but if we keep checking we're going the right way then the destination will be immense.
Hannah x
p.s. For more on the lessons in Cool Runnings look here: http://coolrunningslive.com/index.php/lessons-from-cool-runnings

In my Prime!

I am a prime number again. Yesterday was my 29th Birthday. I am not big on birthdays but I had a lovely day. I was due to be in college all day but our ICT lecturer was poorly so I had a free afternoon.

Now no girl should have to study on her birthday so I used it wisely!

James was on a day off so he met me and a few of my course mates in a lovely pub in Wandsworth called The East Hill, where we had a yummy lunch (BLT with Sweet Potato Chips anyone?) The beer is good, and so is the atmosphere. It was fun.

After lunch James and I caught the train into town for a trip to the National Portrait Gallery. I am not a big cluture vulture. I can't tell you who my favourite artist is, or what museum does the best coffee. But occaasionaly an exhibition comes along and I think that it would be fun to see.

I love photos. I am not great at taking them but I love to do so, and to see them, feel them and study them. Annie Leibovitz is a world reknowned phtographer. Mainly she takes great pictures of famous people for magazines like Rolling Stone and Vanity Fair. Whenever I see her pictures in the press, or a magazine I am intrigued by them. They are beautiful and poignant. Some of her most famour pictures include Demi Moore pregnant in 1991 and The Queen in 2007. This exhibition is called Annie Leibovitz. A photographer's life, 1990 - 2005. What made it really special is that it is not just showcase for all her amazingly famous stuff, but interweaves her personal collection. Pictures of her parents, her siblings, her daughters and her friend and lover.

Wandering round it suddenly struck me what it is about photographs that fascinates me. It is something to do with a moment being caught in time. A moment that cannot be recreated, that will not happen again. And more than that: looking back at photos the people in them could not know what would happen to them, how thier lives would pan out, how they would play a part in history.

In a side room off the main corridor of the gallery there were two portraits hanging on the wall. Side by Side. Two men in Military Uniform. Norman Schwarzkopf and Colin Powell. Taken in 1991. Colin Powell's eyes are glossy. Was he crying? What was he feeling? Norman Schwarzkopf is proud. Chest puffed out. I am too young to remember the detail of the first gulf war but I know both these men played a part. Were they thinking about that when the camera went click? Did Colin Powell realise he would be Secretary of State. That he would see planes fly into the Twin Towers? That there would be another Gulf War?

THere are beautiful pictures of non famous peopel too. I love the one of her mother taken in her later years. She is not smiling but peers curiusly at the camera. Her age, experience, elegnace and knowledge is etched on her face. It is a beautful picture.

I took James with me to the exhibition. He likes art more than pictures. It was good to have him there to muse over my thinking. To share my thoughts and ideas. As we were leaving he pointed to one (the one on this blog post) and said

'I like that one best?'

'Why?' I asked.

'I just do,' he replied.

And that is the beauty of pictures, love, life and everything.

Sometimes you just don't need a reason.