Washed Out

I'm feeling a bit like an old grey sock that's been through the wash too many times. I think it is the remnants of the bug I had at the start of the week. Physically I'm fine, all my symptoms have all but gone, and I'm back at work. But mentally I'm feeling a bit done in. I want to curl up in the corner and let the world carry on without me. I'm feeling delicate and childlike. Also when I try considering the future everything looks bleak. Now I know this is nonsense, but I'm not feeling sparky or happy about anything.
I tried on my wedding dress on Friday, my actual wedding dress, for the first time, and it fits like a glove (but doesn't look like one thank goodness!) No alterations. Now I love it, it's a beautiful dress, but in my head I'm comparing myself to some non existent ideal Bride. I keep doing this with the whole wedding. I am not so good at reminding myself that May 5th, my wedding day is just that: A Day. An important day, a magical day, a fun and happy day, but a day. One out of 365 this year. The best bit out my wedding Day is that I'll gain a husband and a whole new bit of my life will open. But I've got a bit stuck and focused on The Day that I've forgotten about the after bit. The rest of my life bit. I think I have been using my wedding as a crutch, as something to lean on when work is bad, or when I'm bored. Whilst I don't need to start planning the future, I do need to start remembering that I am building for a life of marriage, not a day of fun. I need to remember why and who I am doing this for. For James because I love him and he completes the pattern of my life. For God, because He made me, and He made marriage, For me because standing in Church and making promises so that all my friends and family can hear, and before God and according to His Holy Law, is exciting and enthralling and so important to me.
I get caught up in the popular hype of weddings and I think why did they do it like that, or why couldn't I have planned my wedding that quickly, cheaply, easily. My competitive insecure streak comes out and I forget that its not about anyone else. Part of my solution is to give up the Confetti Website. It's too tempting to get dragged into it, and down by it.
I need to remember that My wedding, Our wedding, will be what it will be, and for us it will be the best day of our lives....