The ups and downs of a Worcester Warrior!

Well the last ten days have taken me on a roller coaster of rugby emotion. I am a huge rugby fan. I love the game, and its highs and lows. This last ten days has shown me both of those! Last Friday night I went to the Twickenham Stoop, home of NEC Harlequins. I met up with my sister and James came too. It had been raining all day. The rain had been horizontal at times! Clever me, with a desperate desire not to be cold had taken several layers and my cosy down jacket to work to wear. Shame wet feathers hold water to make you damp! Even so I went with hope and expectation in my heart. Live rugby brings out the passion in me. I shout and scream and sing. I wave my arms. I love it. I also had a naive feeling that Worcester could start their season turn around by beating fellow bottom of the leaguers Quins. I was sorely disappointed. The rugby matched the weather - it was awful! Worcester looked like a bunch of strangers who had been rounded up and told to play rugby. Now I don't mind it when Worcester lose, or in fact any team I support. But only if they have played at 100%. In the case of these guys they get PAID to play rugby. It is their JOB. Now as you know there are times I don't like my job, and I am sure we all have says when staying under the duvet seems like the preferable option but I go to work and I try to do my best. Anyway Worcester lost, they weren't beaten, they lost because they were poor, down trodden and lacked passion or flair. They trudged off the pitch staring down the barrel of the first division with 8 defeats out of 8 in the league. The supporters were angry. The Quins fans were SO ANTISOCIAL. Never have I been to a less welcoming rugby ground, win or lose its usually a good laugh in the bar chatting with the other team's fans. Not at the Stoop. Before the game Alice and I walked past a couple of men in their forties chatting. I overheard one say to the other in suitably plummy tones: "Well I've been to internationals you know, but nothing like this." Like what?? Oh an actual game of club rugby! Yick. And the journey home was long, and cold. On Monday afternoon Worcester sacked their head coach. Supporters started to talk. This is what they had wanted. It an odd feeling knowing that someone has lost their job, and this makes you happy. I struggle with that, but I also acknowledge that something had to change. A rising sense of optimism filled the message boards. Could we turn our season around, or even just win a league game! Sunday afternoon. Vicarage Road. Watford. Home of Saracens, and the biggest white elephant in rugby union - Andy Farrell. I find it hard knowing that my ticket money goes to paying his wages. Flippin RFU. I settled down on my sofa, Sky showing the game (live Rugby is why I pay my subscription!!) Nervous was not the word and I only had my geriatric cat to keep me company. The first half was DIRE. It was wet and windy and Worcester lost ball and opportunities. They went into half time 17-3 down and I resigned myself to another bad loss, and next season in the 1st Division. The second half saw the arrival of Tony 'Reg' Windo and Shane Drahm to the pitch, followed by Gavin THE Quinnell. It was a different team on that pitch. I screamed at the TV, I shouted encouragement, wondering how loud I would have to shout for it to be heard in Watford. The forwards scored a try. Then THE QUINNELL scored an awesome crash ball try. 17 - 17. Oh my life. We might not get beaten. 77 minutes SHINE DRAHM boots a perfect kick towards the uprights. I stopped breathing. It went over. I was hysterical. The cat ran away! The scariest 4 minutes for a long time followed and Worcester tried hard to throw it away! But they held on. The relief was written on the players faces. They thanked their fans, I called my sister. A ray of hope shone on the Warriors and all who follow them. We're still bottom. But we played like we meant it. If we can keep on doing that then even life in the first division won't be too bad!! Hannah x

Dear Diary

Yesterday I undertook one of my favourite annual rituals.
No not Christmas shopping, but buying my diary for next year.
Every year I go to Paperchase and peruse the diary selection. I want something that will last me the whole year and will become my friend! I want something practical, in size and layout, as well as something fun and funky!
Next year's diary is an a6 size dark pink leather affair. Classy but cool I hope.
I think the excitement of a new diary is more than just looks though. There is something intensely appealing to me about the smooth, crisp blank pages stretching out before me. It represents a new year, blank pages waiting to be filled. There is something about the not knowing what the year will bring.
Of course the first thing I wrote in my diary was my wedding day. I have a feeling that once we're through the festive season time will begin to gallop and May 5th will be upon us sooner than we expect! It seems so far away at the moment and still unreal in many ways.
As I get older time gets faster. Does this happen to anyone else? I have to remind myself sometimes to stop, breathe, listen, see and live. H x

Where I Live

I live in South Croydon. By my estimate I live just on the 'R' of Croydon on this map. London is a huge and all consuming place and most of the time I don't really consider myself to live in London. I work in Brixton, further up the A23, which is the red road running north from Croydon. Brixton looks and feels VERY different to Croydon, and is most definitely part of the metropolis that is London. If you get the angle right, on the right floor of my building you can see Big Ben!
Anyway, at the moment I really love where I live. I've been in Croydon three and a half years, and in my wonderful rented flat for just over two. I am lucky that I, along with James, rent a really nice two bedroom flat from some people at church. The rent is very good, council tax is reasonable and I have room to swing a whole cattery's worth of cats should I wish to. They lived in it before we did, so it feels homely. It has a great location: you can walk to the train station, its 5 minutes to church, you can walk to several pubs selling real ale, a slightly longer walk takes you to South End, FULL of bars and restaurants, and if you're feeling energetic a few more minutes in the same direction takes you to Croydon itself. Failing that it's on four bus routes. James parents live a mile and a half up the road, and there are two supermarkets within a ten minute drive. On top of that it takes 25 minutes to get to London Bridge or Victoria, or equally if you drive for 25 minutes the other way you are in countryside, another 25 minutes and Brighton beckons.
The main reason why I like where I live is because most of the time I feel like its home. It has taken me a while to get to this point. Church is a major part of this. Whilst I wouldn't say I am part of the furniture there I feel less and less like a stranger every time I walk through the doors. I have friends at church, some close, some not so close. But a good group of people about my age. We have recently compounded this informal group into something called MINT, giving newcomers and others between 18-30 something a chance to get involved in something social every week after evening church. James' friends are finally becoming my friends too. On top of that I have a rugby team to play for (which I did on Sunday shhhhhhhhhhh don't tell anyone!), a WeightWatchers group, and involvement in Scouts.
I fit in. Life isn't too fast paced, and escape routes exist.
James came home from a night out with his friend last night and declared that we should move closer to London. We've had this discussion before and I have expressed my fear, worries and dislike about it. James friend has been in London about 6 months. He loves it. They had a conversation that ended in the suggestion that James should move closer towards the river. I disagree. I don't see any point in moving for the sake of it. 'London Life' does not appeal in its traditional sense. Anyway the conversation we had upset me. In fact I was still in a bad mood when I woke up. Perhaps James' whimsy nature, his grass is always greener thinking, is the personality trait of his I most dislike. Sometimes it's fun and frivolous, and other times it messes with my head. Last night was one of those times.
To me my home needs to be a place I feel settled, a place where I have a support network, friends and I can be part of the fabric. 'London' in its traditional sense does not really have those things for me. South Croydon, for me at the moment, is a great place to call my home.
Hannah

Wedding catch up blog

Hello.
Been busy - what's new there then!!
On the wedding front its is now less than 6 months to go!! I am quite excited.
I have booked a florist - not as scary as I thought it might be. If anyone asks me what I'm having I can tell them 'flowers!'
My cake situation has progressed from plain M&S iced to Alice's amazing friend Lou making me an awesome creation.
Oh yeah I ordered a dress. I don't think I ever shared that. Its lovely. That's all I can tell you.
I've booked a hairdresser, and arranged for someone to do my make up on the day.
James, Doug and James Snr are off to be measured for their suits on Friday.
We've registered somewhere to be our wedding list, although we haven't started putting it together. It was so nice to do something wedding related that isn't costing us money.
Oh yeah and I have created this, to be used as an information point for our guests. Have a look and see what you think: Gordon Wedding
H x

A blog to make you think

I read Emily's blog quite regularly.
I came across it when I was training for the Hydro Active.
I'll let her blog explain about her. I don't know her.
Pink and Smiley

She has set up a campaign called 'Live life then give life.' http://www.livelifethengivelife.co.uk/
to raise awareness about the huge lack of organ donors in the UK.

It feels a bit odd - signing up to be a donor which , God willing, won't have any effect on Emily in the foreseeable future. I thought I'd have loads to say in this post but I don't. I am affected by her blog and I wanted to share.

Hannah

Ebb and Flow

I have been pondering how life ebbs and flows today. More specifically how people come and go from your life.
About a month ago I got an email from a girl Kate DB who I used to play rugby with at university - my email hasn't changed in 8 years so if I'm in someone's address book people can find me! So anyway she was off traveling and emailed out her BLOG address (I'll add it to my links when I remember.) I don't think we've really kept in touch but it was good to hear from her and nice to read her blog (I am a blog stalker!!)
So then about three weeks ago I was on the bus from Clapham to Brixton thinking about how I needed some new shoes. I saw a woman walking along the road with lovely shoes and thought those are the sort of shoes I want. So I looked again and the person attached to the shoes was another girl Katy P who I played rugby with at university (you need to remember here that I went to university in Cardiff!)
Anyway I emailed Kate DB enquired how she was doing, ribbed her about Andy Farrell - she's a Sarries girl - and asked her if she had an address for Katy P. From thousands of miles away on the other side of the world she winged a reply to me with a hotmail address. Now I think I am unusual in that A. I still have a hotmail account from 8 years ago and B. I still check it. So I emailed Katy P. And she replied.
That's two people who've been out of my life for ages walking back in. And Katy P had news of two other rugby girls. So I feel like a light has come on in a bit of my old life!
There's a flip side to this; thinking about people who walk out of your life. Not necessarily under a cloud or anything but or whatever reason are no longer part of the pattern of your day to day being. There are two women from the rugby club I am have most recently been playing for who have moved to another club. In fact one has set it up she didn't keep this a secret but she will be missed for her spirit and skill. The other stepped down from a role in our club citing health reasons. And a couple of months later turned up on the pitch of the new team. I reckon that if women are playing rugby and the sport is alive GREAT, play for who you want to. But be honest about it. This has troubled me and I can't really express why. And I'm not even an official member anymore!
So yes. Comings and goings. Ebbs and flows. Hannah

Music on the Buses

This is the bus I get in the morning from Clapham Junction to Brixton.
Since I have shifted my hours around to start earlier I get this bus more often. I also co-incide with more school kids. This is fine - I'd rather kids used buses than their parents cars.
However London has a problem. Other places might also have a problem but London's is the only one I can report on.
I need to preceed this with a statement: 'I am a grumpy [old] woman.'
The problem is that swanky mobile phones these days have a facility whereby they can play music stored on the phone through the speaker rather than just channelling it down headphones. Who ever gave a phone this function deserves a good talking to imho. Anyway there are significant numbers of people (mainly kids although not exclusively) who play music, often loudly, through their phones on the bus. This is EXTREMELY annoying if you don't want to listen to rap, r'n'b, garage or any other genre that you wouldn't normally pick. Especially if its 7.30 am and you wish you were still unconscious under the duvet.
Having experienced this personally I've considered asking offending person to turn their music down. But this is not a polite culture we live in and I am worried about abuse and physical violence. So I sit and fume in silence. I even complained to Transport for London once. They said they ask peopel to respect fellow passengers but cannot enforce this.
In London under 18s in full time education get a free travel pass. One of the conditions is that they do not break rules on buses. However playing music doesn't seem to be one of these.
BUT it turns out I am not the only Pi**ed of person. Someone has spoken out via the web and started a petition. You can see the website and sign it here: music free buses
Woo Hoo. A people's uprising! Well maybe not but its a start.
H

Six!

Last Sunday James and I celebrated six years as a couple. To celebrate this fact we ate lots and went for a walk int he same area where James proposed.
In many ways six years has flown by, but its only when looking back that I can see how we've grown and maturedand fitted more and more into the pattern of each others' lives. We've had some good times, and some not so good times. We've had sad times, happy times and as the photo shows some down right silly times.
Everyday I am more and more convinced that I have loved this man since I first met him. I can't remember when I knew I'd marry him but it was more than 10 and half months ago!!
I hope that in another six, sixteen or sixty years time we will still be having fun, still arguing over the washing up, and who feeds the cat, and generally just getting along with being us.

What a difference a week makes

I stood in church again last night and actively thanked God for His work in my life this week. It has been a good week, and I think last Sunday was a bit like going through the wash, a renewing and refreshing of my faith.
Don't get too excited! There was no lightning flash or booming voice from heaven. But God has acted and spoken to me. And my spirit is calmer as a result.
The biggest thing this week was starting my Certificate in Counselling and Counselling skills at Birkbeck. Arriving at Goodge Street tube station and emerging into the drizzly windy grey Thursday afternoon, and then making my way to my class through crowds of UCL students, and even passing their students union filled me with a weird but bizarrely comforting sense of a new term at university. Beginnings are always quite stressful, full of anticipation and require concentration. I was quite tired afterwards. I have mixed feelings about the people on my course, my tutor and how the next 32 weeks of study will pan out. I am sure that it will be OK and as a requirement I have to keep a learning journal. I think through this blog I am already learning how good recording can be for reflection and growth so I feel quite positive about that aspect of it.
Perhaps the strangest thing was the general reaction to the 'reading list'. Now I managed to gain a BSc in Psychology with a 2,i and over 70% in my research project and I bought a sum total of three books. Not three books a term or a year but over my entire degree course. This reaction to book buying tells me two things - I am tightfisted and I have the ability to go to a library, use the internet and a photocopier. Anyway there was this great clamor over the list, which some people have and some do not. There was the usual 'it's not available' and 'I bought it yesterday'. Yick. It makes my skin crawl. Its like a competition. CHILL OUT.
But on the whole I am looking forward to it - especially when we start the meatier stuff, rather than rules and introductions.
So yes, a better week, topped off by the purchase of a pair of size 14 trousers!!
H x

?

I am not sure what I am going to put in this post but I some how wanted to put some of what is going through my head down in words.
God and I have not been doing so well of late. My head knows He is still there, my eyes read His word and my lips say prayers to Him. But my heart, doesn't somehow feel properly connected. Now it's not like God on Pause like earlier in the year, because I know He's there and I can see Him at work. I guess I just feel a bit like I'm drifting away. Now that's not to say I don't believe, or I don't want to be able to praise Him and worship Him in all I do but I'm struggling.

In the last ten days two people I know have died. In very different, but very tragic circumstances. Both deaths have asked questions of my faith.
The partner of a friend 'a' went missing two months ago after their relationship broke down. He sent letters home indicating that he couldn't go on but he loved the people to whom he wrote. His body was found in the sea last week, after he took his own life. He went missing during the 24-7 prayer week, and I wrote his name on the wall. I know more people than I prayed for him, his partner, family and friends. I know that there can now be a funeral and an end. People can mourn. I also know that God has answered prayer, but not how I wanted! The thing I am struggling most with is where suicide fits with my faith. God loves us all, no matter what we do, and God's love never wavers. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us more and there is nothing we can do to make Him love us less. I have spoken to a couple of friends Christian and non-Christian. They have been helpful in different ways, and I suspect God has placed them there for me at this time. They both said the same thing. That God loved 'a', and we as humans walk away from God but he always holds onto us. As a human I do not have the power or authority to judge anyone and only God can do that. Until I stand in heaven with my God I will not know the answer to whether 'a' knew God too.

So tonight I went to church with all of this heavy on my heart, we started singing and I read the words and just thought I can't sing them. I asked God to come back into my life, my doubting stubborn and difficult life. And He did. He took me in His arms and said its OK, you don't have to do it alone. I find that hard to understand and tonight became another evening of praise and tears. Even words in the sermon seemed to have been written for me. Bits about God's love is the same whether he is ministering to us at that moment or whether he has asked us to wait. I love that the people I am at church with don't question or try to make it better but just stand by, give hugs and provide tissues. They are my church family that I take for granted but couldn't live without.

God I know you're awesome but my pea brain is having problems with that. However once again I will live my life for you.

Hannah xx