River of God

Why is it that when you think you're doing one thing God stops you in your tracks, forces you to your knees and makes you listen?

Two major things happened this week.

Firstly I went for a job interview on Wednesday afternoon and I was offered the job. I turned it down. It was such a hard decision. The job wasn't the right job for me for many reasons. However the idea of turning down a new job, when my current one is about as secure as a house on sand, seemed foolish. Making the decision involved a huge wrestle with God. The whole situation really bowled me over, and drained me emotionally, but by the time I called the guy back on Thursday morning I was at peace. The overall message I got from God on this one was 'I will find you the right job, trust me. Any job will not do.' It was good to understand this, especially when my head is saying take any job, do anything!

The second thing was James and I went to Carroty Wood to cook at the 14 - 18 year old youth group weekend away. 20 young people. 6 leaders and us. Typically I thought I was just going to cook, God had other ideas. James and I joined the 'thought for the day' closing session on Saturday night. We listened to 'River of God' by Paul Oakley and Mark spoke. God started to nag me. Sunday was a session with communion in which people were asked to share their thoughts about the weekend. Earlier in the weekend people had been asked to sign their name on the river of God. There were different stages including the river bank, ankle deep, knee deep, waist deep and swimming. James and I missed this session but as we listened to some of the young people sharing I started praying. The thing was when I had been looking at the pieces of paper on the wall on Saturday night I was like Oh yes I must be waist deep, you know I've been a Christian for 7 years, I pray, I'm in a home group, I go to church, I'm a youth leader....
But then James put his finger on it when he said sometime your head and your actions are waist deep, but your heart, your real true relationship with God, that's way back over ankle deep. It occurred to me that actually I was standing on the edge of God's love dipping my toe in. Smiling at everyone else and pretending I was doing OK. But I'm not. I've let God go and started walking out of the river. It was hard to admit this, and also admit that I'm scared of going deeper and trusting Him again. But I did.
Later in church I sat praying, exhausted from the weekend, and I saw a picture in my head of me standing at the edge of the sea. Someone took my hand and supported me as I walked into the water, helping me keep my balance and keeping me safe and reassuring me. It was difficult and hurt my feet where it was rocky underfoot. But then we were standing with sand under our feet, the water was nice and I felt comfortable. This is such a true picture for me, I hate walking into the sea, but once I'm in I love it. I took the chance to tell God that I want to be knee deep but He's going to have to hold my hand tight if I'm going to stay there. Do you know what - it feels better already!
H x

Healthy

Yesterday at Weight Watchers I achieved a really really important goal. I'm not quite at my goal weight yet. I have 6lb to go....
However I now have a Body Mass Index of 25. Which puts me at the top of the healthy range for my height. I am officially healthy!!!
When I have finished losing weight I will have a BMI of 24.
When I started I had a BMI of 31. This put me in the significantly overweight range.
I know that BMI is not an exact measure but for me it's an achievement and one I want to maintain.
My goal is to hit my final weight by the end of February, which is around the time my wedding dress is due into the shop for fittings.
When I get to goal I'll post some before and after pictures, as much for me as for you lot. I can't quite believe I've come this far. Now for the last 6lb, but first where did I put that piece of cake....
H x

Going to the chapel

I am suddenly VERY excited about getting married.

The last couple of weeks have made it everything seem so real. We had a lovely phone call from The Curate on Friday. She's going to conduct our ceremony and we're meeting her on Saturday morning to sit down and discuss this. We had a letter last week telling us when our banns will be read at church (the legal bit that allows us to get married!) The unfortunate thing is that they are all at the morning service, and we are both members of the evening congregation. However I spoke to someone in the office who is trying to get at least one reading moved to the evening. James and I are both keen that our wedding ceremony is really really fun and enjoyable. We really want it to be a chance to thank God for all He has done for us, and will continue to do during the rest of our lives. It'll be great to sit down and plan it. I'm also going to ask the curate to sign my form to get my new passport so that when I fly to Malta on May 7th I'll officially be Mrs Gordon!!!

This weekend we have also managed to measure our little bridesmaids for their dresses. Agree a guest list, buy presents for people and draft the invite inserts ready for printing.

We're seeing the venue on Wednesday, armed with an a4 sheet of questions and then finish our wedding list next Tuesday eve.

I feel in control (my sister will be pleased to hear that) and also quite positive. I cannot wait for my dress to come in and for me to try it on with everything.

Work wise things are naff. I have an interview on Wednesday at 2pm. Its quite a random job. We'll see 'ey?

H x

"1980 year that God made me"

Yesterday was my 27th Birthday. I had the day off work. It was the culmination of a wonderful long weekend.

I don't really *celebrate* my birthday any more. After a big party for my 25th I have decided I would rather enjoy good food, and good company and indulge in me for a day!

This weekend was extra good. For Christmas I bought my Mum and Dad tickets to see Cirque du Soleil perform 'Alegria' at the Royal Albert Hall. I had already spotted that it was on and asked James if we could go for my birthday. So we meshed the occasions together and everyone, including my little sister came. It was truly breathtaking, seeing the performers complete amazing and daring physical feats with grace and poise. There was one act where a guy balanced on poles and did amazing twists and turns with his body. I thought he really put the muscly posing lads at the gym to shame! There were clowns too, funny and clever without being stupid.

Yesterday we had a lovely leisurely breakfast, and I opened my cards and few pressies. It was nice to share my birthday morning with my parents which is something I've not done in quite a few years.

After they left James and I had planned to go to London to buy wedding rings. All was going well until James couldn't work out what the Natwest website was saying about how much money he had and I couldn't find the receipt for my engagement ring. Anyway we stopped, sat down, hugged and prayed. And then decided to go to Brighton instead. This turned out to be a great move and we both got wedding rings in a lovely independent jeweller in The Lanes. They will be ready in 3 weeks. Unfortunately I have had to leave my engagement ring with them to ensure that my wedding ring is a good fit around it, so I am wearing my Gran's ring instead at the moment. I'm sure she would approve.

My evening was topped off my the first home group back after Christmas. A cacophony of news sharing, laughter, Panatone with a candle, flowers and a card. It's great to have a whole other family in the shape of my home group. They rock, and I am looking forward to our weekend away together in a a few weeks.

I went to bed last night, a little later than planned with a smile thinking that all is good with the world in general, having been reminded of the important things in life. H x

Pink and Smiley News

You may remember I referred you to Emily Thackray's blog a while back HERE
I sat down in my lunch hour yesterday to sit and catch up with her blog, having not read it since last week and it contains the best news EVER.
On Thursday January 4th Emily went into theatre for her double lung transplant.
Her blog, currently being updated by friends and family, brought tears to my eyes. Sensitive as ever it reminds readers to think of the donor's family too at this difficult time.
Emily came through surgery well, and is starting to recover, with a few problems but nothing too major.
I can't really explain why the story of this young woman, who I have never met, nor am I likely to, affects me so strongly. I just want to thank God for his amazing work in this situation, and pray that Emily will recover well.
H x
You can keep up with Emily's Progress at http://www.pinkandsmiley.blogspot.com/

New Year New Challenges

I'm sorry it has taken nearly a week of 2007 for me to get to this post. There have several points this week when I have nearly put fingers to keyboard but for some reason I have just been unable to blog.
Christmas was great but hectic and I don't feel as rested as I would have liked. I had a stinking cold for the early part of it which was also not great. We saw lots of friends over Christmas, 15 people over for a 3 course sit down meal on the 23rd. 25 people stuffed into my sitting room playing Articulate on Christmas Eve. I feel that maybe God was using me to host, to open up my house and give. I'm glad we did it. We also had Doug (James' twin bro) to cat sit whilst we were in Worcester, and despite my initial worries it all turned out good, and the house didn't feel so empty when we got back.
New Year was fine - I dislike New Year. I think its a big load of hoo ha over nowt and i get an enormous sense of emptiness and disappointment at midnight. I ended up sleeping on my thermarest on a lounge floor. I don't want to do that again. I personally would like a quiet candle lit dinner for two, a good bottle of wine and bed. Maybe next year?
Work seemed to come back around all too quickly, and a deep sense of unease settled in my heart. My funding is VERY uncertain after the end of March and so I think I need a new job, this one makes me miserable. It has nothing to do with the people or the place I work but the systems that I have to work within. Alot of my work is dependent on other external people and organisations and they seem to be very good at ignoring me. I'll do anything pretty much! Well not quite. The worst thing is I feel totally useless at work. I like to feel like I am making a difference, like I am changing something but I do not have the motivation to be pro active. Days drag by and I feel like I could be doing so much more. I am applying for a job at Croydon Council because I hate commuting too! More on that as it happens.
2007 is of course going to be a massive year. Four months today I will walk down the aisle of Emmanuel and make vows before God, my friends and family and walk out as Mrs Gordon. Can't WAIT!!!
I'd also like 2007 to be a massive year for other reasons. I want a new job, where I can be content. I want to successfully complete my counselling certificate. I want to make plans with my husband to travel, or not but either way make some plans for the next couple of years. I want to end 2007 feeling more settled, and stronger than I do right now. Please God show me the way.
H x

Christmas Spirit

What is Christmas spirit? I am not talking about the 18 pints of beer, three bottles of wine, one bottle of spirits and four glasses of fortified wine that the average Briton will get through in less than two weeks. (Does that make anyone else feel sick just reading it?)
You can do a quiz Here but it is the Guardian so beware!
Christmas is such an odd time. There is a commercial juggernaut that seems to set off in October forcing all who come within its path to have fun and be happy. Truth Christmas can be quite miserable I think.
Two years ago I was last in Croydon for Christmas, actually the first time I've been in Croydon for Christmas. On Christmas eve James and I went to the local Wetherspoons pub, to meet up with many of his friends. I can't quite explain why but the experience made my skin crawl, and still makes me miserable when I think about it. I only had one drink, not wanting to be intoxicated for Midnight Mass. As I stood in the crowded pub I looked around me, perhaps searching for the mysterious Christmas Spirit! The scene broke my heart, and I don't really know why. Men and women young and old. There was lots of noise and laughter but I couldn't feel any warmth or happiness. A man near the door caught my eye. He was in his late fifties, possible sixties. Wearing smart clothes but looking a bit scruffy. He wore thick rimmed glasses and was sitting on a busy table of young women, although he was not with them. He sat with his pint in front of him, a lonely island in the cacophony, a misfit. There was something about this man that made me want to cry. I think he represented the Christmas Spirit that says we should all be out having lots and lots of fun. I am so glad we're not going back this year.
Don't get me wrong I do love Christmas for many reasons. It is a time to stop, to spend time with the people I love, to look after myself (not been so hot on that this year.) A time to read, rest and relax in preparation for the new year. (I hate New Year's Eve...more on that in another post.) Since becoming a Christian I love Christmas for a whole other reason (and the right one I feel!) Every year when I hear the Christmas story I am reminded in a new way of God's meaning in my life. I like hearing with fresh ears the story, and I try to let its meaning permeate my conscious in a new way. The vicar once again preached a stonking sermon on Sunday evening at the Carol Service. In a break with tradition the link to download it is HERE (I'll have to be nice about church now!) The Vicar is good at Christmas, I feel like his sermons on the subject take no prisoners and he does not mince his words. My favourite line from this year was "Infinity became an infant." cheesy but loaded with meaning! So anyway, I cannot wait to go to church at 11pm on Sunday evening and welcome in Christmas morn, and thank God once again for the birth of his Son who saved me.

What a Promise.

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned.
You have enlarged the nation
and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you
as people rejoice at the harvest,
as men rejoice
when dividing the plunder.
For as in the day of Midian's defeat,
you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders,
the rod of their oppressor.
Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and peace
there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne
and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
will accomplish this."
Isaiah 9: 2 - 7

Advent

I am nearly 27 years old, however as Friday dawned I realised that one yearly event had not happened. My mother had not sent me my fair trade chocolate advent calendar, which also recounts the Christmas story. However I remembered the little card my postie had popped through the door earlier in the week and early on Saturday I collected an advent calendar shaped package, with my mother's writing on, from the post office. Bless her - she's ace!
The Divine chocolate advent calendar gives you a small chocolate heart each day, and a sentence describing a stage in the Christmas story. It's a story I know well, one that everyone should know well. However as I open each door I try and take in the words afresh and take on board their meaning. I like to think that the heart is a sign of God's love, for me, for you and the world. It's also really yummy!
In addition I have downloaded the Evangelical Alliance Advent Prayer leaflet (if I had gone to church on Sunday I expect it may have been there too!) The blurb on this year's leaflet says:
'This prayer guide provides an opportunity this Advent to discover, reflect on and pray towards the bicentenary of the Abolition of the Slave Trade Act 1807.' Each day has one or two bible verses, a theme, a few sentences of introduction and points for prayer. What a great way to use advent for a focus for prayer rather than shopping.
The other week James asked me what I wanted for Christmas. My reply? 'nothing'. However my true desire for this Christmas is for warmth, comfort, rest, relaxation, friendship, fellowship, laughter, hope and expectation. I cannot wait to walk out the office in three weeks knowing I have ten days stretching out in front of me to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Saviour and share that good news with people I know.
On Christmas eve my church has two Family Services in the afternoon, simply because one isn't enough to fit everyone into the building! In the past after the second service, a group of young (18 to 30ish) people have gathered somewhere for food and then returned to church for the Midnight Eucharist. As we sat discussing this in our Mint planning evening I found myself volunteering our flat as a host venue. I am at an odd stage of life. My mother and father are 180 miles away, and James' parents are up the road. This year we are going James' parents for Christmas and Boxing Day and then onto Worcester for a while. James and I are not yet a 'family' in our own right so we split our Christmas' between two locations. Having people over on Christmas eve for me is about feeling part of a wider family. My church family. My friends, and others who I don't know so well yet. I am so excited about the thought of people filling our little flat with warmth, and love, and laughter and fellowship. The most exciting thing for me is that come 11.15 pm we'll don our coats and hats and gloves and walk up to church and celebrate the coming of Jesus Christ again, together, as a family. People over the world will be doing the same.
To me, that feeling, of belonging, and living and loving for an almighty God, is better than any other present I could get.
Hannah x

The ups and downs of a Worcester Warrior!

Well the last ten days have taken me on a roller coaster of rugby emotion. I am a huge rugby fan. I love the game, and its highs and lows. This last ten days has shown me both of those! Last Friday night I went to the Twickenham Stoop, home of NEC Harlequins. I met up with my sister and James came too. It had been raining all day. The rain had been horizontal at times! Clever me, with a desperate desire not to be cold had taken several layers and my cosy down jacket to work to wear. Shame wet feathers hold water to make you damp! Even so I went with hope and expectation in my heart. Live rugby brings out the passion in me. I shout and scream and sing. I wave my arms. I love it. I also had a naive feeling that Worcester could start their season turn around by beating fellow bottom of the leaguers Quins. I was sorely disappointed. The rugby matched the weather - it was awful! Worcester looked like a bunch of strangers who had been rounded up and told to play rugby. Now I don't mind it when Worcester lose, or in fact any team I support. But only if they have played at 100%. In the case of these guys they get PAID to play rugby. It is their JOB. Now as you know there are times I don't like my job, and I am sure we all have says when staying under the duvet seems like the preferable option but I go to work and I try to do my best. Anyway Worcester lost, they weren't beaten, they lost because they were poor, down trodden and lacked passion or flair. They trudged off the pitch staring down the barrel of the first division with 8 defeats out of 8 in the league. The supporters were angry. The Quins fans were SO ANTISOCIAL. Never have I been to a less welcoming rugby ground, win or lose its usually a good laugh in the bar chatting with the other team's fans. Not at the Stoop. Before the game Alice and I walked past a couple of men in their forties chatting. I overheard one say to the other in suitably plummy tones: "Well I've been to internationals you know, but nothing like this." Like what?? Oh an actual game of club rugby! Yick. And the journey home was long, and cold. On Monday afternoon Worcester sacked their head coach. Supporters started to talk. This is what they had wanted. It an odd feeling knowing that someone has lost their job, and this makes you happy. I struggle with that, but I also acknowledge that something had to change. A rising sense of optimism filled the message boards. Could we turn our season around, or even just win a league game! Sunday afternoon. Vicarage Road. Watford. Home of Saracens, and the biggest white elephant in rugby union - Andy Farrell. I find it hard knowing that my ticket money goes to paying his wages. Flippin RFU. I settled down on my sofa, Sky showing the game (live Rugby is why I pay my subscription!!) Nervous was not the word and I only had my geriatric cat to keep me company. The first half was DIRE. It was wet and windy and Worcester lost ball and opportunities. They went into half time 17-3 down and I resigned myself to another bad loss, and next season in the 1st Division. The second half saw the arrival of Tony 'Reg' Windo and Shane Drahm to the pitch, followed by Gavin THE Quinnell. It was a different team on that pitch. I screamed at the TV, I shouted encouragement, wondering how loud I would have to shout for it to be heard in Watford. The forwards scored a try. Then THE QUINNELL scored an awesome crash ball try. 17 - 17. Oh my life. We might not get beaten. 77 minutes SHINE DRAHM boots a perfect kick towards the uprights. I stopped breathing. It went over. I was hysterical. The cat ran away! The scariest 4 minutes for a long time followed and Worcester tried hard to throw it away! But they held on. The relief was written on the players faces. They thanked their fans, I called my sister. A ray of hope shone on the Warriors and all who follow them. We're still bottom. But we played like we meant it. If we can keep on doing that then even life in the first division won't be too bad!! Hannah x