Maranatha - Oh Lord Come

Tonight I read to Molly from her lovely storybook bible, (thanks Becky and Andy.) It gave me shivers and then reduced me to tears.
So I thought I'd share.

It's called "He's here!"

Everything was ready. The moment God had been waiting for was here at last! God was coming to help his people, just as he promised in the beginning.
But how would he come? What would he be like? What would he do?
Mountains would have bowed down. Seas would have roared. Trees would have clapped their hands. But earth held its breath. As silent as snow falling, he came in. And when no one was looking, in the darkness, he came.......

And there, int he stable, amongst the chickens and the donkeys and the cows, in the quiet of the night, God gave the world his wonderful gift. The baby that would change the world was born. His baby Son.
Mary and Joseph wrapped him up to keep him warm.They made a soft bed of straw and used the animals' feeding trough as his cradle. And they gazed in wonder at God's Great Gift, wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.
Mary and Joseph named him Jesus, "Emmanuel" - which means "God has come to live with us."
Because, of course, he had.

Enjoy the last week of Advent everyone.
Maranatha - Oh Lord Come

A New Role

I am not going to apologise for not blogging. I haven't felt like it. Stuff has happened.
This will be the last post that feeds automatically into my Facebook so if you want to carry on reading you can find me at http://www.huggyhannah.blogspot.com/
I am changing the purpose of my blog slightly to match my new role, let me explain where I am at now:
Our daughter, Molly Susannah Gordon, entered the world on 16th April this year. The last three months hae flown by, but at the same time everything has changed. It has been such hard work; emotionally, physically and spiritually, with enormous stress and strain on our marriage, but it has also been amazing.
Everytime I look at Molly I see God's perfect creation. I see her potentail, her personality. I see that she is made in God's image and that she is His ultimate gift.
It is both awe inspiring and humbling that God allows us the privaledge of being parents. He trusts us with growing, nurturing, feeding and praying for the future of our world, of His creation.
I am not the perfect mother and nor will I ever be, but I am Molly's mother and with God's help and continual guidance I will always do my best for her.
I believe that being a mother is NOT about having a baby. Whilst she is small and delicate at the moment, and depends on James and I for her every need, this stage is short and will pass much sooner than I want it to. I am coming to realise, and I guess this will continue forever, that being a mother is about being a guide and rudder, a nurturer and a teacher, a confidante and a disciplinarian. For now I am taking tiny steps and learning how to wear all these new identities, how they fit me and how they fit into my life. Whenever I start to panic, when something doesn't 'fit' or I lose perspective I try and turn to God.
He is the ultimate parent.
I know that every moment of joy, delight, despair and frustration I experience with Molly He has experiencd with me, and thousands of times over with all His children.
I am also seeing that being a mother is not something that can be done in isolation. I hope that for the rest of my life I can continue to live and grow in community with others. Molly is my daughter, but she is also God's, and for me it is important that she grows up amongst other people who know and love Him.
I am truely blessed, as I start my new role, by some amazing people with amazing gifts. These are people with whom I can lay myself bare, I can share my raw pain and emotion and they do not judge me but simply stand beside me. They may not always agree with me, and that too is wonderful - for how can I learn and move on, grow, heal and develop if I am not challenged and changed by my experiences? These precious people remind me it is OK to struggle, question, rant and cry but then hold me close and uphold me in prayer. They help me over my barriers and boundaries.
It is these people who will help me become the best mother I can be. These people are the ones who, I hope, will be there at the big important occasions and moments in Molly's life, but also the small insignificant ones too.
Becoming a mother has not changed the core of who I am, it has added to who I am. Some of my actions, activites and choices have changed but essentially I am still God's child, trying faithfully to walk His path and look to Him for guidnace on all of life's decisions, both big and small.

T minus 25

On July 3rd after a day of relaxation I will officially graduate from Wandsworth SCITT as a NQT with a PGCE and QTS. In short I will be a primary school teacher!
I am TERRIFIED!
The last few months have been quite surreal - hence the lack of blogging. All my mental energy has gone into assignment writing, lesson planning, evaluating and job interviews.
I have written two 5000 word masters level essays. They were tough - and I seemed to be living under their weight for a long time. Handing the final assignment in I felt like I was emerging from a long hibernation. There was light at the end of the tunnel and I felt lighter and happier. I now know that I have passed both these papers although I don't have results yet.
On May 18th I had an interview for a teaching job at a Junior School nearby to me. I have felt an enormous sense of calm about job hunting. I firmly believe that God led me into this PGCE and future career and that He would find me a school where I can continue to serve and glorify him. Earlier in the year I attended a panel interview for the Southwark Diocesan Board of Education NQT Pool. I went to the interview not expecting anything spectacular - whilst Church Schools are reasonably common I had not previously considered working in one. Anyway the interview went well and a couple of weeks later one of the heads from my panel called me to tell me she had two vacancies at her school and would I apply. The school was larger than I had anticipated joining but I gave it to God. After a great but unsuccessful interview elsewhere I attended the interview on May 18th already knowing in my heart that God wanted me at the school. It was an odd feeling- and it sounds really boastful in print - but I did my best and waited for the call. In short I got the job! It is a great relief to have a post for September and reduces the pressure in the last few weeks of teaching.
As of Monday morning I have two and half weeks of teaching practice left. The other trainees in my school were talking about final grading the other day. All of my observations have been good so far - with some elements of very good. So I started thinking is 'good' good enough? And how can I be 'very good?' I am tired, and whilst these weeks will fly by I know they are going to be pressured and busy and I need to summon energy from somewhere to make it through. I know that I have got the foundations of teaching solid and now I need to take risks, build and expand my style - all at a time when my tank is nearly empty and my soul is aching for the week getaway on the Isle of Wight that James and I have booked in July.
I also find myself in a position where I cannot look back yet and appreciate all that I have achieved since the start of September. I am stuck in fast forward, and yes scared by the future. Learning to teach is a fairly safe environment but in September I will have my own class of 30 children with all their wonderful differences, strengths and weaknesses. I will find myself faced with 30 faces all seeing me as the expert. I have no idea how to start a year, how to introduce myself etc etc. I know that, like this year, iIwill learn. I will learn the ways of the school, I will learn about the children, I will build relationships with them, their parents, other teachers, staff and management. I know that God has led me there and He will not abandon me but I am still scared.
But for now, at t minus 25 days I need to focus on finishing my placement - being the best I can be.
H x

I am a Christian

This: I am a Christian
has annoyed me. I am so wound up that this post could end up being a rant.
This Christian radio station is trying to get 100, 000 people to publicly declare their faith. By signing a declaration online. I don't seem to be able to find the list of people who've signed up so I can't report how close they are to their target. The website tells me that this 'campaign' is in response to the National Secular Society's (them again, twice in three posts) debaptism efforts. The website says:
"Premier’s “I am a Christian” campaign is asking you to take this opportunity to publicly affirm your faith and declare that Jesus is relevant to your everyday life.
Make your declaration today and join together with thousands of other Christians around the world."
My answer, in case you haven't guessed, is NO.
No I will not sign up.
I do not want to take this opportunity to publicly affirm my faith and declare Jesus is relevant to my everyday life.
I do that, everyday! By LIVING MY LIFE as best I can.
I try to be more like Jesus everyday, and fail, and ask for forgiveness, and start all over. I declare my faith by trying to be different. By trying to live out the life God wants me to. By following His path, seeking His guidance and in my ways acknowledging Him. I declare my faith by observing Lent, by trying to answer the questions of others, by trying to be humble and merciful. I declare my faith by my membership of a body of believers called a church. I declare my faith when I worship God, in song, and laughter, and prayer and praise. No Premier Radio I do not want to take your opportunity, thank you.
I think the thing that angers me most is that this campaign seems to have no real purpose. It does not seek to fight injustice, it does not address poverty, or slavery. It does not serve its community. It is not asking 100,000 people to declare that Jesus is relevant to their day to day lives by cooking a meal for their elderly neighbour, or writing to their local newspaper asking them why they allow adverts for 'massage services' where women tricked, trafficked and traded are forced to serve their captors. It does not ask me to affirm my faith by tithing my income to the church, giving money to the poor, or even praying for the NSS and its members.
I know that I am standing in judgement of this campaign, and that in itself is not the right thing to do but I am riled and I am ranting.
Mahatma Gandhi is reported to have said: 'An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind'
and Jesus himself taught:
"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" Matthew 5: 43 - 47
So I am not signing the declaration.
I'm off to declare my faith, through prayer, friendship and roast dinner.
H x

"It’s not if I believe in love, But if love believes in me" U2

James went to the pub with his brother and some friends last night. I collapsed into bed at 17.30 and slept for an hour and a half. This week had finally caught up with me! I eventually dragged my sorry self back out of bed to cook and eat supper and settled down to watch 'Brokeback Mountain' or 'That Gay Cowboy Film' as James disdainfully refers to it. I have to say it didn't live up to its hype for me and although I understood its themes and reasons I just got really annoyed with Heath Ledger mumbling away all the time.

James came home a little worse for wear and told me that he'd had a conversation about religion with two of our friends. I enquired further as to what the conversation had entailed and found out that one person had no belief in God whatsoever. Their argument was that they knew the difference between right and wrong without needing a religious code to tell them that. They further argued that in places in the world where people developed without any knowledge of God or Christianity they still developed a moral social order and knew the difference between right and wrong within the boundaries of their society. James admitted he has been somewhat stumped at these ascertains.

After thinking for a minute I turned to him and said that I too had known the difference between right and wrong before I had believed in God. I had morals and stuck to them. My faith does not provide me with a set of morals, it provides me with a hope, a future and a reason for living. I went on to say that I believe that God created the world, and so I believe that He created those people whom Christianity has only recently reached. Therefore they know right and wrong because God has put that within them. I believe He created us all in His image.

'It's a shame you weren't there,' James said.

It goes back to the fact that even if I don't believe in God He believes in me. He created me, He wants the best for me and He loves me. I cannot change that and it is not dependent on whether I know Him or chose to acknowledge Him. This is a really difficult concept. I do not have to do anything to win or gain God's love or relationship. I am offered a free gift that I do not deserve and all I have to do is reach out my hands and take hold of it. Our friend's lack of belief in God does not prove that there is no God. The have chosen to believe in nothing but nothing cannot believe in them. If they ever change their mind then God will be there, the same as He always has been, ready to make His love into a two-way relationship.

Evangelical Atheists

This post comes with a warning. This is not an intelligent, intellectual or informed discussion about the above topic. It is a gut reaction to this article on the BBC Website: Atheists call for 'debaptism'
The man in the article wants to be De-Baptised. He doesn't believe in God and is upset that this ever happened to him. It has taken him 50 years to get around to this so I get the feeling that it can't have been too pressing! Southwark Diocese has refused to remove the record of his baptism.
And quite right too.
Nick Baines, the Bishop quoted in the piece, is the Bishop of Croydon. He is a sensible, sensitive, thoughtful and realistic man. He says:
"You can't remove from the record something that actually happened,"
Too right!
Baptism is not a membership card. It doesn't give you free entry to heaven. It is not the end of a road, it is a door being opened, with a path that you may or may not follow beyond that doorway. The man, Mr Hunt, chose not to follow this path, but there is something about his actions and his vehement opposition that makes me wonder if he is still worried by it. Is he wondering what might happen if he took some steps down it? Would he be forced to face situations, truths, and questions that would trouble him and his almost religious certainty that there is no God?
The article says he went to confirmation classes, and is quite contradictory saying he went to confirmation classes but also decided early on he
'had no place in a hypocritical organisation.'
Seems a bit odd to me. Why didn't he stay home for Sunday lunch instead.
When I was confirmed in 2002 I had many questions. I too was baptised as a baby in a Catholic Church. My parents gave me chances and opportunities to find out more, but equally let me choose not to believe or worship. God too gave me this choice. Throughout the time that I chose not to believe, not to walk with Him, He did not forget me. There was no big catch up on His part when I started talking to Him again in my early twenties. He waited, patiently, and let me ask all my questions. Most importantly as I made the choice to be confirmed (in the Anglican church) God did not present me with a membership card, manual of all the answers and a map of my path. He took my hand, helped me to step over the threshold and start walking His path making no promises that the path was easy. I struggled with the fact that I did not remember my baptism, that it was in another denomination, that I had spent so long not believing. The words that comforted me most came from the creed which we say at communion:
'We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.
We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.'
I came to realise that it didn't matter that I didn't remember it, or that the decisions then weren't my own. They were a start, and confirmation was the next step.
I was at the Baptism of a child last Sunday morning, a couple from my home group's daughter. It was so exciting to see her now and dream of all that she may become. It was more exciting to see her in the context of her family, and her wider church family. To feel the love that she sits within. It was great to be part of the congregation welcoming her and encouraging her. I love the liturgy for the whole congregation to say :
"Do not be ashamed to confess the faith of Christ crucified.
Fight valiantly as a disciple of Christ
against sin, the world and the devil,
and remain faithful to Christ to the end of your life."
I feel like it could be a big cheer at a Rugby match - "Go on girl, you can do it!"
And most importantly whichever path she chooses, however she decides to live her life, whatever she decides to do she will be loved, supported and accepted. By her family and by God. At no stage will she be able to delete or rub that out.

Back to the article! It says:
'The Church wonders aloud why, if atheists and secularists believe baptism is so meaningless, they are letting it upset them.'
and goes on:
'Mr Hunt supplies his own answer.
"Evangelical noises are getting louder and louder."'

I have to agree with the Church on this one. To me it seems that strong Atheist Organisations are the ones making loud Evangelical noises. They seem to be getting very worried about the people of a God they don't believe in and shouting louder and louder in an attempt to convert people to believing in nothing. Which still requires faith. I don't understand, and like I said at the beginning this is not an informed or intelligent discussion. All I do know is that I worship a living God, one with a thick skin and a sense of humour. I know that he exists because I talk to Him and He responds and my life has been better, lighter and more exciting to live since I took His hand and stepped over the threshold and started walking His path. Maybe Mr Hunt should go back, take a look at that path again and instead of trying to delete a historical record, make an informed and adult decision about where he is going to put his faith and hope, and then just get on with doing that, letting his actions and the way he lives his life be his witness.
Hannah x

Spring

As I walked out of college with my friend at lunchtime on Friday I was stopped dead in my tracks. The street was quiet, there was no commotion and I was feeling fine. "The sun!" I exclaimed, "I can feel the sun on my face!" It was the most wonderful feeling, and the warmth radiated not just onto my face but into my soul. I love the feeling of well being that the sunshine brings and the knowledge that spring is trying to push its way into being. Winter seems long and dark, and although I have achieved an enormous amount this winter the promised arrival of spring is very welcome. The last few weeks of the winter have been a strange time. On Sunday February 1st it started snowing, and didn't stop until half way through Monday 2nd. James and I woke up to a world hidden under a duvet of snow, no car noise, no trains, no buses. The bright cold whiteness filled our house. We started off on a journey to the supermarket and ended up sledging and snowballing with our friends and building an 8ft snowman outside our church, who was named 'Trevor Mapsnow'. As we returned home that afternoon to defrost and try and get on with life it felt odd, and that oddness didn't go for over a week. I felt disrupted and displaced, and despite the fun and laughter that the snow brought, I felt very uncomfortable, out of sync. College ended up very topsy turvy and culminated in a morning that left me on the verge of tears. Later that week I received some sad news. It was not entirely unexpected news but my reaction to it, and the feelings it brought with it were. The situation left me confused, and I found myself feeling very uncomfortable with a sense of loss I had not anticipated. The situation felt very awkward, and the confusion felt dark and sad. Several things happened over the next few days and most importantly instead of trying to shoulder all my emotions I poured them out to God. I had a conversation with a close friend which was helpful, although did not give me answers. As that week wore on things started to change, and out of a difficult situation God started to do His work. He created opportunities, blessed conversations, and gave answers to those who needed them. After just ten days what had seemed like a hopeless situation was bringing new life, new opportunities and new hope. It feels like everything is going to be OK, and where God was seemingly absent He is evident and at work. I guess its a bit like Spring. In the depths of winter, when we feel like we have been cheated out of our fair share of sunlight, when the trees are dark and naked, when there are no flowers and people huddle up under hats and scarves, there feels like there is very little hope. On the darkest coldest days it is difficult to remember that this will end, that there will be sunshine again. And then when you have had enough, just when you are least expecting it the sun comes out, bulbs start to push their way through the barren soil, daffodils dare to flash their bright yellow petals for all to see. And as the warmth of the sun hits our faces we remember that there is hope, there will be warm sunny days again, and that God is always working, renewing and bringing light to our darkness.

Eulogy

I gave the Eulogy at my Grandma's Funeral this morning. You will recognise alot of it. People liked it. Lots of people commented on it. That and the fact I look like my Grandma. She was beautiful, I'm glad I look like her:

"My Grandma died last Monday and I've not yet shed a tear.
My Grandma was a woman of God, and last week He called her home to be restored to Glory with Him.
My Grandma had Alzheimer's disease. This meant that her true character and her soul have been fading for many years. This has been sad to see and experience. There was nothing any of us could do except feel frustrated and helpless. I am thankful that my uncle, my mother and my father spent time with her towards the end, just being with her.
My Grandma was a great woman, with a strength and grace that used to scare me until I eventually understood what it was. As a child I remember her as always being immaculately turned out, hair done, make-up on. She was sometimes stern but always compassionate and I was never in any doubt as to her love for me and my sister irksome as we were!
She had the most amazing experiences throughout her life, as a child in Ireland, a young woman coming to England, as a passenger on a boat torpedoed and sunk in the Irish Sea, in the East-end during the Blitz (although I can’t imagine her as an extra in Albert Square), as an army nurse in the Queen Alexandra’s Royal Army Nursing Corps, at the D-Day Landings – how many people can say that both their grandparents were there? as a wife to my grandfather Tony and a mother to my Uncle John and my mother Aeileish and finally as a grandmother to both me and my younger sister Alice.
Throughout her life she stood strong in her faith and worshipped with conviction and duty. When Alice and I were young we always came to church with her. We were both baptised in this very church. Around the age of nine I stopped coming to church. I remember the feeling of dread telling my Grandma. I’m not sure if she was cross but I have a feeling she kept praying for me.
I came back to faith at the age of 21 and my grandmother’s example has always been an inspiration to me.
As the Alzheimer's began to creep onward, stealing more and more of her essence I began to pray more to God for her. Not for healing but for her restoration.
When I was about six years old I stood in the kitchen of my Grandma's house as she prepared supper and said
"Grandma how long will you live?"
She looked at me, pinny on, tea towel in hand, and said:
"Well I might live long enough to see you married."
To a six-year-old girl, that seems like a long long time.
As I prepared for my wedding eighteen months ago I asked God to let her know that it was OK. I was getting married, and if that was what she had been waiting for, to keep her promise to me, then it was all OK she could go now.
A few months ago she had a fall and broke her hip. Her Alzheimer's made it difficult for the medical staff to communicate with her, they are unprepared and under trained. I prayed that she wouldn't be in too much pain and that God would give her peace and rest.
I hadn't thought about her for a few weeks until last Monday morning. Sitting at the bus stop thoughts of her came into my head and I prayed.I prayed that God would call her home soon. That He would restore her, that he would end her pain. As a caveat I said "Well maybe not before Christmas though, however your timing is perfect Lord. Your timing is perfect."
My Dad's phone call last Monday afternoon was not a surprise and I have felt an enormous sense of peace since. God's timing is perfect.
He put her on my heart and then He called her home and I am thankful that she is safe, healed and restored.
I have not shed many tears; my sadness is outweighed by my awe and wonder at the power of my God, my Grandma's God and our Saviour.
Your timing is perfect Lord.
As the words of my favourite worship song say
"Till he returns, or calls me Home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.""

Friendship

Wikipedia says that


"Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings."


The Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary says a friend is


"someone who is not an enemy and whom you can trust" and "a person whom you know well and whom you like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family"


Once again it's Facebook that has got me thinking, and blogging about Friendship. On my Facebook I have all sorts of friends. there are people I was at Uni with, my mooses, my SSAGS friends, and some of the rugby girls. There are the Beccs Ladies. There are people on SCITT with me this year. There are lots of my church friends, and friends from Croydon. There are also a small number of friends I went to school with. They are my 'friends' because I share, or have shared some sort of an experience with them. I have met every single one of them in the flesh. There are some people on there I know much better than others. There are some I see and share time, food, and laughter with regularly. There are others who are further away geographically but whom I'm love dearly and Facebook allows me to keep in touch with them, their lives, their lows and their highs.

There are people who are my friends on Facebook, whom I have not spoken to face to face with for a long time. Lots of these are the people I went to school with. At school I had very few close friends, and my best friends came from my Venture Scout Unit. It was with them I had the most fun and formative years of my life. However looking back through my wedding photos I was a little saddened to see that there was not one person with whom I had shared my school days there, apart from my sister. On the other hand I have achieved so much since I left school, and even university. I have changed enormously as a person and I love the me I am now much better than the me I was at 18, or even 20. Does this mean that I should ditch or ignore those people who were part of the fabric of my past? Does it means that people I shared experiences with at that time, should no longer be considered 'friends'?

A few weeks ago the opportunity arose via Facebook Chat to 'talk' to someone who I have not had any real contact with for about 8 years. This person and I were friends at school, never best friends, but we shared experiences, and laughs together. 8 years ago this person helped me out when I was in quite a low place. Shortly after this I did something that hurt this person. I am not proud of my actions, my timing or my behaviour. A few months later I met James, and by the time that year was out God was in my life. Although I had made my peace with God for what I did, I had never fond the strength, courage or opportunity to apologise to this person, this friend. The virtual conversation we had on Facebook was not easy, pleasant or jovial. Some long hidden truths and anger came out. I was forced to face the consequences of my actions from a different phase of my life. I apologised. I have forgiven myself for what I did but asking for someone else's forgiveness, when it's 8 years late, is not fun and appears to be a very pathetic exercise. I am glad we had our conversation, for me it feels like I have shut a door that was still slightly ajar.

So does that mean that me and this person can continue being 'friends'? Have the last 8 years without contact destroyed this status between us? Or is it that by trying to shut a door, I have in fact opened it wider, leading to more pain and questioning? I now find myself somewhat under attack from this person. They do not understand my faith, or the journey I have been on in the last 8 years. Our lack of shared experience in this time seems to have destroyed the friendship we had before this time.

I like having friends. I like the variety they bring to life. I feel lucky to have gathered so many shared experiences during my life so far. It would be sad to lose one but if the rift is too deep, if our differences are greater than our similarities, if we cannot understand how each other has grown and changed then maybe we find ourselves sharing nothing more than the past and staring into a future without each other.

Hannah

Wholeness

Last Sunday night's service at church was a service of healing and wholeness. This is something that we do regularly and is encompassed in the regular service. It is a chance to be prayed for with the laying on of hands and to be anointed with oil.

The service more generally was part of a series called 'The Provocative Church' and looked specifically at Christian Community.

During the time given over to prayer and reflection after the sermon I spent time thinking about what Wholeness means and its relationship to healing.

How am I supposed to know when I should be praying for someone to be healed, or if being made whole might mean God calling them home, where they will get rid of their failing earthly body and be restored. How do I pray for someone who is a shell of who they used to be? Someone whose deeds and witness has been locked away in a bosy and mind that can no longer communicate them? What am I praying for? Can I pray for what I want to pray for, can I be brutally honest with God? I want to be, but I am also drawn to pray a pithy 'not my will but yours' prayer. Is this sort of half hearted prayer even worth uttering, does it waste the time of my creator God who knows what is truly on my heart?

I'm not sure I know what to do, or how to pray. All that I know is that I am called to pray and petition God. Perhaps that is all I need to do right now? Acknowledge that I am struggling on this one, and that there is an issue close to my heart that I don't know how to pray through.

Hannah

Ch ch ch ch changes

Common wisdom would have it that you should get married, buy a house, settle down and have 2.4 children, or whatever the national average is these days.

James and I can tick off one, and two. Half way there.

As for three? Errrr not exactly.


You may remember that last Summer, shortly after we got married I started considering a change in career, and that in September we had an away day and spent time listening to what God wanted us to do with our lives. Well it wasn't just me considering my future that day. For a very long time James has wanted to become a Police Officer. It is something that he has thought about doing since school. I have never been terribly keen on the idea, and have encouraged him to pursue Planning that his degree and masters degree allow him to do. However after being in planning for a while he felt that he wanted to investigate whether joining the Police was a feasible option.

Well it turned out that it was. He called the MPS recruitment to see whether being a PCSO was the only route into the Met these days, this being the story his brother had been told 12 months earlier. It wasn't, and there was a recruitment seminar about two weeks later, which he could book a place on. This was the route into getting an application form and spoke about how to fill in the form and fill statements for each of the five competencies. We thought and prayed about James changing his career. There was a lot of soul searching, and tears and questions. The form arrived and James sat down for a mammoth filling in session. Except there was a surprise in store - James didn't have to fill in the competencies, he just had to declare that he was a graduate. And that was that.

He had his 'day 1' interviews in November, which he passed, and his medical in January. All good. The supposedly impossible application process had been so smooth and simple. It seemed that God had prepared a way for James, and I needed to rely on His wisdom and strength to deal with my worries and concerns.

The day after we moved, James had a call with a start date of May 27th. He resigned from his job at the council and got ready to become a Police Officer.

I still have concerns, and worries. I will worry about his safety on the streets of London, I will be concerned that he enjoys his job. I pray that he will be a good witness at work, that he remembers that he serves God first, not the MPS. However I have come to realise that my marriage vows mean that I am called to support James whatever he chooses to do. I would rather be married to a planner than a policeman, but God has changed our path and I need to walk it with faith, one hand in James' and one in God's. Together, bound in prayer, strengthened by faith, trusting God's manifold and great mercies, we will be going the right way. It might not be a comfortable journey, but it's the only way for us.

H x

Room for Prayer

My alarm went off at 4.40 am this morning and as James and I grunted at each other and pulled on the nearest clothes I found myself asking why on earth I had signed up for a 5am prayer slot in Emmanuel's 24-7 Prayer Room.
If you go back through my blog archives you will remember that I set up a prayer room in July 2006. At Christmas Dan got excited about Prayer and ran a room for 24 hours praying into the New Year. It was great. It was like a little seed had been planted and when Dan started working for church it started to grow. Well it's growing still and on Sunday evening Emmanuel started a week of prayer 24-7. Right through the night. Person to person. An unbroken chain. God had already spoken and as we kicked off every single slot was filled.
I went to the launch. We prayed and sang and invited God in, not that He needed inviting as He reminded us "This is my territory."The room was buzzing.
However none of this excitement encouraged me as we set off, in the darkness, to pray.
James came too, he hadn't signed up for a slot and was quite grumpy about me removing him for bed before 5am.
After having the room handed over in prayer we sat for a while together in prayer. We prayed about our weaknesses, and our shortcomings, our hopes. We thanked God and we said sorry to God. WE prayed St. Patrick's Breastplate together and then spent some time apart. I am quite often tempted to rush around in a prayer room, reading the walls, trying things out and not actually stopping to talk to God. This time I paused, sat in front of the wailing wall, and waited. I was honest, which is tough before the One who knows you inside out. I told God that I wanted to do more for Him but it's quite scary. I asked for His help.
Then I spent some time praying for Croydon, and Emmanuel and our Parish. FOr a community, for our church to be a heart and a furnace. A place of love and hope.
And then I prayed for my friends, family and colleagues. The ones who don't know Jesus yet. That was really hard. I was confronted by a mixture of emotions, anger, frustration, regret, despair, longing, confusion and sadness. There was also Hope and the message that it is God ultimately who brings people to Himself. He stands at the door and knocks, not me. He is the one who heals, and comforts, who loves and gives with abundant Grace. And me, I am called to pray, to fall on my knees, to intercede and most of all to live and love with my eyes on Jesus.
As james and I grabbed another half an hour in bed, I realised why I had signed up. To talk to God in the early morning light, before the day has got in the way, is a privaledge. James thanked me for encouraging him to get up and come with me, he was glad he came and I'm glad he did too.
As I made my way to work, a strong and peaceful smile spread over me. "I am not of this world" was the message in my head. Now to live a life worthy of that.
H x

What am I supposed to do?

I went away to Carroty Wood this weekend, cooking with James, for Connexions youth group. 6 meals for thirty four people in the space of 43 hours. A challenge but not an impossible one. I am lighter in spirit than I was this time last year, and think that is as a result of a closer and more honest walk with God and with my husband.

I spent alot of time thinking about what God wants me to do. Not for a job, but what my gifts are, and how I should be showing His love.

This was partly borne out of the cooking! I enjoy cooking for people, and caring for people, making tea, and baking cakes. At the weekend I was glad that me cooking meant that everyone ate well, and that the other leaders had time to lead, and talk and take part. The more people said thank you, the more I thought about hospitality as a gift, and whether it is mine.

My thinking was extended by the very exciting news that James and I have had an offer accepted on a house. Yes we are about to buy our first home, as long as everything goes smoothly. It's lovely, and I will tell you more about it once we have exchanged contracts and I can call it 'Our New Home.' So I got to thinking about how I would like our home to be a place where people feel welcome, feel they can ring the bell and come in and have a cup of tea anytime without having to make a date to do so. I want our new home to be a place where our marriage grows, and strengthens, and where God can grow in us and strengthen us. Where people come for food regularly, and don't stand on ceremony but eat well, drink well and relax. I want it to be a home of love, between me and my husband, and between us and our community.

I am sure that God's hand is on this house already, after all he found it for us just at the right time, and He will see it through. As long as we let Him his hand will remain there and His love will grow there, and I will learn how to show it in the best way.

Hannah x

Skiing the Milky Way

I spent last week closer to God - literally and metaphorically! Skiing is the time I feel most close to God. I love the Mountains. I love their beauty, their power, their strength and their peacefulness.

There were several moments when the sun hit my face, or I turned my head and was struck by the power of the God I worship. It was refreshing to have time to thank Him, to take a deep breath and inhale the cold clean air. To feel myself alive in creation.

I had a great time. After playing Mum trying to get six adults to Gatwick for 3.45 am and onto a flight, I relaxed almost instantly. We arrived in resort at noon giving us half a day to get kit, passes and generally chill out. One large pizza and a cold glass of beer outside in the winter sun later and my mission was accomplished.

The skiing was good. After a break of three years I remembered how to do it, after falling on my very first run. The highlight of my week was doing the 2006 Olympic Women's Downhill course - without the gates and significantly slower than the two minutes it takes the pros. Another great bit was shunning the package company's trip to France, chartering a taxi from our hotel owner, driving to Montgenevre and skiing back to Italy and our Hotel in Sauze D'Oulx (note to self the long wiggly runs on the piste maps are paths and should be avoided for the sake of sanity and my knees). The Milky Way is a lovely ski area, and even in a week with little new snow we did not struggle to ski different and challenging runs. The area has benefited from the Olympics and facilities are good. Unfortunately 95 Euros was too much for 60 seconds on the Bobsleigh run, and I'm not sure my ample behind would have made it out of the sled!

Sadly this is the last time I am going to ski out of school holidays with the luxury of wide open empty runs like the one in Sestriere above. However I am sure that I will ski again with friends and maybe my own little family. It is a joy I don't want to miss out on. H x

Advent

From the Latin word adventus, meaning "coming", the period of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of the Birth of Christ.
At the start of each Advent I am full of commitment and good ideas to get back to God in time for Christmas. Usually by the first weekend I've failed.
This year I started advent at Christchurch London at the Piccadilly Theatre in London, with Kate P who I used to play rugby with at uni. It is a different type of church than I usually go to. I don't agree with all of their teachings and disagreed with some of their practices and baptisms (it was a baptism service.) Anyway the service was nothing to do with Advent. The sermon was entitled 'I am the resurrection and the life.' Starting Advent at the end, or maybe the beginning!
Anyway being in a different church made me think critically about my relationship with God. And I decided it sucked. And I needed to change.
So I downloaded the Evangelical Alliance Advent prayer guide. They look at the metaphors for Jesus used in John's gospel. James and I have changed our morning routine. Instead of lounging in bed having brekkie we get up and get ready. About half and hour before we need to leave we sit in the sitting room with our Breakfast and our bibles. This time has revolutionised my bible reading and my approach to the day. James and I have been struggling to find a good time to read the Bible together, and this seems to work. I also feel like I can approach God with more confidence and understanding. I want to read my bible, and this morning I read the start of each Gospel to see how they each introduce Jesus to the reader.
On Sunday evening it is the Candle-lit Carol Service at church. I am reading. I am SO excited.
Christmas is on its way and and as a very darling person wrote in a note to me today:
" Everyone should feel Christmassy because it's a wonderful time of year not just because it's Christmas but because we're celebrating the BIRTH of JESUS and that's quite cool."
It certainly is. Enjoy it.
Hannah x
p.s. Check this out too. It'll make you think paperless Christmas

A change of direction

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29: 11



On Wednesday I had my interview for Wandsworth SCITT. This is a small course of 23 places for General Primary and 12 for Early Years.

In September 2008 I will be one of those 23 trainee teachers!

I went to the pub on Sunday evening with Rach and Em and talked to them about my interview. They were really helpful and it was good to feel like I knew what I was talking about. They gave me plenty of pointers and their opinions. They are both angels.


My interview was great! The maths test was a bit dodgy but the English exercise was fine. We had to do a group discussion, which was fine. I am a facilitator by nature but I made sure that I said something and a conversation sparked from there. My one to one interview was with the Course Director and the headteacher of one of the consortium schools in Balham. A range of questions including 'Why do you want to teach?' and 'What are the challenged and opportunities of teaching in Inner London?' (Answer: I don't think challenges are always negative!...) Anyway at the end of the interview the headteacher said 'I don't know if I'm allowed to say this but I thoroughly enjoyed this interview and I would love to have you in my school!' The Course director nodded and smiled. The great thing about this course is that they let you know by the end of the day.

By 3.30 pm I received a call offering me a place. The director said that I was well prepared and confident and all in all I was an exceptional young woman! Nice!

God - Thank You! This feels so right! Hannah x

Thank You God

God has been really evident in some happenings over the last few days, and I am thankful for this.

I don't really want to say much more right now, other than I am calmer and more relaxed than I have been for a while.

Trying to prepare for my PGCE interview next Wednesday morning. Please pray that I would know God's will on this one, and that I would do my best.

H x

oh what a beautiful morning

Having read the instruction book and fixed the heating on Tuesday evening, after over 24 hours with no heat, waking up and venturing out of bed hasn't been too traumatic.

This morning was parky, and bleary eyed, after a poor night's sleep, I headed for the kitchen to make breakfast. The view outside was wonderful. The frozen white grass was covered in golden fallen leaves, set hard by the frost. The sun was shining and the sky was blue. It was beautiful.

An hour later wrapped up warm, with hat, gloves and scarf, James and I headed out to work. James had site visits to do and needed the car. Our little blue Peugeot was a shimmery white! Now I have to admit I have a child like glee in defrosting the car. It was something I used to help my Dad do when I was little! I don't know why, but this morning I was glad of the can of deicer that I am sure I renounced as 'Stupid to have in the car, this time of year' in July but never got round to removing.

As I kissed James goodbye at South Croydon station I bumped into Dan, a church friend and our new worship and music coordinator. It was great to chat to him. His passion for what he does, and his desire to run with God's plan is evident. It almost flashes in his eyes, and its exciting.

Praying on the bus from Clapham - wonderful sights over the common - I realised that I am sitting well within my comfort zone with God right now. Dipping my feet in the water but not getting too wet. My conversation with Dan made me uncomfortable, in a good way! He made me realise how lazy with and about God I have become and how things might be stirring for a change.

Hannah x

100 days

James and I have been married for one hundred days today.
I have finally got my rings re sized so that they are not in danger of falling off. Almost all our presents have arrived, and most are in use! We've taken our wonderful family tree - a gift from both our fathers tracing our paternal family lines - in to the framers.
We've had a bit of a house clear out and tidy up and re-arrange.
We are settling into the daily pattern of being Mr and Mrs Gordon. It's great. Once a week we have time set aside for just us. We have used this time to go to a gallery, discover a new country pub, have dates at the cinema and just enjoy an evening at home with a good meal and no TV. I love this special time and when we have missed it I feel our relationship begin to sag. James was initially sceptical about this dedicated time but having given it go he agrees on its value and dates are in his diary!
People ask me whether things have changed since we got married, do I feel any different? The answer is perhaps a surprising yes. I feel grounded, anchored by the love of my soul mate. I feel calmer, like I have stepped into the shelter of someone who will always be there for me. I feel like James and I are a team, working together and for each other.
We are facing some big decisions about the future for both of us that would lead to potential career changes and financial pressures. As part of our decision making we are spending Sunday away from home, with our Bibles, talking to God and waiting on Him. I am looking forward to retreating for a short time, but then being able to talk things through with my husband.
Last night, as part of my new Bible reading plan - God's Story in 9 months (courtesy of Carla Harding) I read Genesis 1 & 2 aloud to James. We've decided to work through it together, taking it in turns to read to each other each night. I'm excited that I am going to journey through God's Story and even more excited that I have a travelling companion.
H x

Here comes the bride......

On December 30th 2005 James Gordon asked me to become his wife. On Saturday May 5th 2007 that finally happened. It has taken me a long while to think about what I want to write here and I'm not sure I've quite got it but here goes.
James and I have been a couple for a long time. Six years, six months and three weeks by the time of our wedding day. I have known that he would be the man I would marry for at least six years and six months of that time. We have waited so long for many reasons, but mainly and truthfully I think it was because until James had finished his Masters the time just wasn't right for us to start the next chapter of our lives as man and wife.

Planning our wedding has had its ups and downs, as this blog has known. There are times when commercialism and competition has threatened to cloud the idea of what our wedding should have been about. There were times when I wondered why we were waiting so long. However there was never a time when I wondered why we were doing it at all.

From the outset we talked about how we wanted our wedding to be a celebration. First and foremost we wanted it to be a celebration of God's amazing love and grace. We wanted people who don't come to church, who don't know God, to come to our wedding and feel comfortable, we wanted them to be able to learn a bit more about who God is and what He means to us. We wanted the songs to be full of meaning and life and joy and love. We wanted the reading to be serious but accessible. We asked God for His help and He delivered in the way only He can. When the doors of church opened and I saw everyone's faces turn, and the music start I felt overwhelmed with emotion. As I arrived at the top of the aisle on my father's arm, to join James a wave of joy and peace came over me. God took my spirit and said 'this a moment I created for you and you for.' From that moment on I had the most wonderful day of my life. The music was superb (cheers band) and every ounce of me wanted to worship my saviour and creator. Saying my vows, and hearing James' felt like putting the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle.
We wanted to end the ceremony on a high note, with a signal to start the fun so we walked out to the Emmanuel Band's rendition of 'I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles).' Andy Buchanan's native Scottish accent topped it off perfectly. Thank you so much.

The rest of the day was fun, although as everyone had promised, it went far too fast. My only regret is that we spent so much time outside with the photographer and not at our drinks reception. However the food was good and we managed to go round all the tables between courses to say hello and thank you. The speeches were good, my daddy made me cry and Doug made me laugh. The evening was a whirlwind of dancing and hugs and pictures.
It was an exhausted Mr and Mrs Gordon who were driven away from The Warren through a gauntlet of sparklers!
There were times on the day when I thought this is so much fun, I want to do it again. But now I've had a week in Malta enjoying the sunshine and the company of my husband, and we've returned home and started to build our marriage together I've changed my mind. It was a superb, lovely, joyful and exciting day. It was an important day and one that will play through my mind over and over for many years. It was a day when our friends and family came together with God and with us to celebrate our love and commitment to each other. But I realise now that it was a single day in a whole lifetime together. It was like opening a crisp new book, inhaling the glorious new paper smell, and bending the spine a little. The anticipation and excitement is there, but you know that there is a whole story that lies ahead!
Hannah x