Why does it sometime feel like God is on pause? I started the year full of energy and drive. Now three months down the line I'm feeling rather sorry for myself. The initial excitement of a fresh new year stretching out in front of my with a shiny new diamond ring on my left hand has faded, and now I'm rather glum.My job situation is driving me nuts. Still no funding decision although rumour has it Lambeth PCT - name and shame time - will pull their fingers out and makes some sort of decision tomorrow, but it might only be interim. Whilst I feel sure that I will be fine, that doesn't stop the uncertainty, the drifting feelings and the depression associated with work. I've actually started waking up and not wanting to go to work. It's not my colleagues, they are great, or my boss, he's cool too. It's the limbo situation I find myself in without a project or a purpose. I like being busy, in fact I'm sure I need it to feel like I am being purposeful and productive. I am applying to jobs, but again with little motivation or success, although I am applying for a job at Tearfund which really appeals. Financially I cannot afford to take too much of a pay cut, which is the disadvantage of being well paid I guess.
At Church I'm not feeling the buzz and excitement of living out God's will. I wan to be passionate for God and shout for Jesus but I have hardly got the energy to lift my hands and sing let alone be a Warrior for Christ. Also a good friend and member of my home group is leaving to move to another part of London. It's fabulously exciting for her and I feel sure it is God's will, but I'll miss her. It got me thinking about people at church. James and I got talking about it. I suddenly realised that I want to feel more connected to these people in a real way. I KNOW a lot of people but I don't share a bond or friendship with any of them. It really upset me. There was a point last summer when I felt that I was really part of my church and there were good friendships to be made. But something changed and I've become more and more isolated. It's really sad and I'm not sure what to do about it.
Maybe God will have some answers, if only I can find the play button again. Hannah x
1 comment:
We all feel like this at times, don't worry. And I can't help moaning to you every week! You are allowed to moan at me too!
As for getting to know people at church, I often feel the same. Perhaps you and James should come round for dinner one evening. I feel I miss out on the sunday evening socialising after church, so I have to try to get to know people midweek.
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