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I am not sure what I am going to put in this post but I some how wanted to put some of what is going through my head down in words.
God and I have not been doing so well of late. My head knows He is still there, my eyes read His word and my lips say prayers to Him. But my heart, doesn't somehow feel properly connected. Now it's not like God on Pause like earlier in the year, because I know He's there and I can see Him at work. I guess I just feel a bit like I'm drifting away. Now that's not to say I don't believe, or I don't want to be able to praise Him and worship Him in all I do but I'm struggling.

In the last ten days two people I know have died. In very different, but very tragic circumstances. Both deaths have asked questions of my faith.
The partner of a friend 'a' went missing two months ago after their relationship broke down. He sent letters home indicating that he couldn't go on but he loved the people to whom he wrote. His body was found in the sea last week, after he took his own life. He went missing during the 24-7 prayer week, and I wrote his name on the wall. I know more people than I prayed for him, his partner, family and friends. I know that there can now be a funeral and an end. People can mourn. I also know that God has answered prayer, but not how I wanted! The thing I am struggling most with is where suicide fits with my faith. God loves us all, no matter what we do, and God's love never wavers. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us more and there is nothing we can do to make Him love us less. I have spoken to a couple of friends Christian and non-Christian. They have been helpful in different ways, and I suspect God has placed them there for me at this time. They both said the same thing. That God loved 'a', and we as humans walk away from God but he always holds onto us. As a human I do not have the power or authority to judge anyone and only God can do that. Until I stand in heaven with my God I will not know the answer to whether 'a' knew God too.

So tonight I went to church with all of this heavy on my heart, we started singing and I read the words and just thought I can't sing them. I asked God to come back into my life, my doubting stubborn and difficult life. And He did. He took me in His arms and said its OK, you don't have to do it alone. I find that hard to understand and tonight became another evening of praise and tears. Even words in the sermon seemed to have been written for me. Bits about God's love is the same whether he is ministering to us at that moment or whether he has asked us to wait. I love that the people I am at church with don't question or try to make it better but just stand by, give hugs and provide tissues. They are my church family that I take for granted but couldn't live without.

God I know you're awesome but my pea brain is having problems with that. However once again I will live my life for you.

Hannah xx