Musings of a fab and thirty Hannah

Maranatha - Oh Lord Come

2011-12-16T20:00:00.002Z

Tonight I read to Molly from her lovely storybook bible, (thanks Becky and Andy.) It gave me shivers and then reduced me to tears.
So I thought I'd share.

It's called "He's here!"

Everything was ready. The moment God had been waiting for was here at last! God was coming to help his people, just as he promised in the beginning.
But how would he come? What would he be like? What would he do?
Mountains would have bowed down. Seas would have roared. Trees would have clapped their hands. But earth held its breath. As silent as snow falling, he came in. And when no one was looking, in the darkness, he came.......

And there, int he stable, amongst the chickens and the donkeys and the cows, in the quiet of the night, God gave the world his wonderful gift. The baby that would change the world was born. His baby Son.
Mary and Joseph wrapped him up to keep him warm.They made a soft bed of straw and used the animals' feeding trough as his cradle. And they gazed in wonder at God's Great Gift, wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.
Mary and Joseph named him Jesus, "Emmanuel" - which means "God has come to live with us."
Because, of course, he had.

Enjoy the last week of Advent everyone.
Maranatha - Oh Lord Come

A New Role

2011-07-26T14:59:00.001+01:00

I am not going to apologise for not blogging. I haven't felt like it. Stuff has happened.
This will be the last post that feeds automatically into my Facebook so if you want to carry on reading you can find me at http://www.huggyhannah.blogspot.com/
I am changing the purpose of my blog slightly to match my new role, let me explain where I am at now:
Our daughter, Molly Susannah Gordon, entered the world on 16th April this year. The last three months hae flown by, but at the same time everything has changed. It has been such hard work; emotionally, physically and spiritually, with enormous stress and strain on our marriage, but it has also been amazing.
Everytime I look at Molly I see God's perfect creation. I see her potentail, her personality. I see that she is made in God's image and that she is His ultimate gift.
It is both awe inspiring and humbling that God allows us the privaledge of being parents. He trusts us with growing, nurturing, feeding and praying for the future of our world, of His creation.
I am not the perfect mother and nor will I ever be, but I am Molly's mother and with God's help and continual guidance I will always do my best for her.
I believe that being a mother is NOT about having a baby. Whilst she is small and delicate at the moment, and depends on James and I for her every need, this stage is short and will pass much sooner than I want it to. I am coming to realise, and I guess this will continue forever, that being a mother is about being a guide and rudder, a nurturer and a teacher, a confidante and a disciplinarian. For now I am taking tiny steps and learning how to wear all these new identities, how they fit me and how they fit into my life. Whenever I start to panic, when something doesn't 'fit' or I lose perspective I try and turn to God.
He is the ultimate parent.
I know that every moment of joy, delight, despair and frustration I experience with Molly He has experiencd with me, and thousands of times over with all His children.
I am also seeing that being a mother is not something that can be done in isolation. I hope that for the rest of my life I can continue to live and grow in community with others. Molly is my daughter, but she is also God's, and for me it is important that she grows up amongst other people who know and love Him.
I am truely blessed, as I start my new role, by some amazing people with amazing gifts. These are people with whom I can lay myself bare, I can share my raw pain and emotion and they do not judge me but simply stand beside me. They may not always agree with me, and that too is wonderful - for how can I learn and move on, grow, heal and develop if I am not challenged and changed by my experiences? These precious people remind me it is OK to struggle, question, rant and cry but then hold me close and uphold me in prayer. They help me over my barriers and boundaries.
It is these people who will help me become the best mother I can be. These people are the ones who, I hope, will be there at the big important occasions and moments in Molly's life, but also the small insignificant ones too.
Becoming a mother has not changed the core of who I am, it has added to who I am. Some of my actions, activites and choices have changed but essentially I am still God's child, trying faithfully to walk His path and look to Him for guidnace on all of life's decisions, both big and small.

Anyway

2010-07-03T06:55:00.000+01:00

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

[Source: Mother Theresa]

News

2010-06-05T14:46:00.000+01:00

It has been half term this week which has given me time and space to relax, as well as write end of year reports for the 30 children in my class. It means that I have watched more TV than I usually would. Quite often James and I will put on BBC News 24, with its constant commentary on events around the world. I've also been to the gym twice this week (hopefully this trend will continue). Along one wall there is a bank of TV screens, showing various channels including SKY News.
As I cycled away, going nowhere, on Thursday morning, I started to watch the screens whilst listening to my i-pod. The tragic events in Cumbria the day before was the lead story across all the news. The events were still coming to light and little more was certain than the number of people killed and injured. Sky had sent a correspondent to stand in Whitehaven to report on the story. From what I could make out, as large BREAKING NEWS tickers ran across the bottom of the screen he was there offering opinion and conjecture. The gunman might have killed his brother, he may have had financial problems, he had a gun license. Various people were interviewed who may or may not have had relevance to the report. James was listening as well as watching and later told me that they had interviewed a man who had seen Derrick Bird that morning and later heard two bangs. That was his connection. That was his contribution to the reporting of the news.
I would argue that news reporting has become less about reporting the facts and more about conjecture and sensationalising stories to fill the 24 hours of news broadcasting we now have available to us in a variety of media forms. I cannot speak for the people of Whitehaven, and nor do I wish to, but I wanted to shout at the Sky News man to go away and leave the grieving, hurting, shocked community alone. I wanted to tell him to turn his camera off and go and have a cup of tea in the local church hall, to talk to residents without his camera, to build a story and then report on it later if he had to. I wanted him to DO something to help the community in which he stood with his camera and his equipment.
My anger and dislike of this type of news goes further. I cannot stand studio presenters who find pundits and people to interview on a huge range of issues with the sole of aim of trying to catch them out, or if that fails putting words in their mouths to suit the stance of the story they are presenting.
Despite my strong feelings I find myself fascinated by news. I check the BBC website a couple of times a day, both local and national. I read the website of my local rag and I LOVE to spend a weekend trawling through the Guardian or the Observer. But why? Where does my desire to know what's happening come from?
Does it stem from the same place as my last post? The desire to feel part of a community, be it Croydon, London, the UK or indeed the World? Do I like to know what's happened so I can talk to others about it, so I can share it, or share the experience?
24 hour news draws us in and gives people across the globe the chance to be part of a communal experience, good or bad. On 11th September 2001 I was in the air flying home from my first holiday with James. I was nowhere near a computer or a TV screen when the second plane hit the twin towers. Whilst I am fully aware of the events, the aftermath, the impact and lasting damage that this event has caused around the world I did not share in its immediacy and do not feel like I have any ownership of it, unlike thousands and thousands of others.
My worry is that in sharing experiences we do not leave room to empathise with those most closely affected. We have our reactions and emotions and do not have the capacity to extend those feelings to others. We find ourselves unable to react, to help, or even maybe to care. And finally if it all gets too much for us, we do not have to do anything, we do not have to respond with kindness and humanity, with prayer and love. All we need to do is hit the off button.

Community

2010-05-22T23:26:00.000+01:00

I've thinking a lot lately about community. What it is, what it needs to function, how we can make it better. To me a community is place where people belong, a group of people tied by a common purpose. It exists for the good of the many, but cannot succeed without the commitment and cooperation of the few.
Do we need to live closely to be a community? Traditionaly yes. Communities were locality based, everyone knowing eveyone else, and their business. Communities helped each other out. As I type I cannot help but form a picture of Larkrise to Candleford.
So what of communities now? Do we have to live in close proximity or has technology enabled a new community? With a few clicks I can know what someone is feeling, see pictures of their lastest exploits, and comment upon all sorts of aspects of their day to day lives. What gives me the right or priviledge to do so? And how should I react if I am upset by the actions of someone in my community, or indeed how should someone behave if I have upset them? How can we share a difference in opinion or enter into a dialogue about our differences, if all we do is type black words onto a white screen and share ourselves with one click. Is this community?
As human beings we are made to differ. God gives us each qualities and gifts, and leaves weaknesses and flaws in our being. Together we make up one body, we cannot function as a whole without each and every one. To be a community we must have some shared knowledge of each others characteristics. We know who the joker is, who the story teller is, who is the thinker, who is the questioner, who is the host and who is the innovator. We appreciate each others gifts and bear each others weaknesses. We appreciate that none of us are perfect, but we choose to invest time and energy knowing each other all the same.
Can there ever be an online community like this, or does the screen make our inerations faceless, and our actions reactionary? It is too easy to type a quick response posted with wit, which is read as an insult and received with anger. In a moment of anger it is easy to lash out with words, which are read by all, and interpretted a hundred different ways. Unlike the spoken word, type cannot be easily forgotten, making it even harder to forgive.
I wonder how many friendships have been damaged by being part of this type of community? And does this make it any kind of community at all?

Winner

2010-04-30T19:06:00.000+01:00

So 26.2 miles and 4 hours and 25 minutes after starting out from a drizzly Blackheath Mr G, my very own Flash Gordon, crossed the finish line of the 2010 Virgin London Marathon. For months James has been training, running in all weathers, for hours at a time. It wasn't even his idea!
I am so proud of him and his massive achievement.
As we waited near mile 7 to catch our first glimpse of him I started to clock watch. As the minutes neared I started running through all that could go wrong. He could fall over, or get cramp, or his knee might give way. I started to feel very nervous. The 9 minute milers ran past - he should be in there I thought. Then the 10. Then I started to think I had missed him. Suddenly Steve saw him and shouted. My heart leapt as I saw him smiling and running with Andy and Bren. We moved slowly onto Mile 17 at Mudchute DLR. The train was packed with marathon watchers and a great atmosphere. Sandwiches, cake and coffee followed courtesy of the in-laws - brilliant! He was easier to spot this time - fewer crowds on both sides of the fence!
A long DLR journey and a loo stop took us to about mile 24. PC Flash looked tired by this point but still running (he later admitted walking just after he'd seen us.)
A bus ride and a walk took us to Horse Guard's Parade to meet the amazing runners. Somehow in amongst the crowds I spotted him looking tired, sweaty but triumphant.
I have to admit I welled up on seeing him.
What a star.
And thanks to you amazing guys and your generosity he has now exceeded his fundraising target.
By running the marathon James has done something amazing but even more than that we have gained some amazing new friends and our community has grown.
Thank you to the Heaths - Tris and Caz for their advice, humour, training runs, marathon watching schedules, lifts and fruit salad, Bren - for running too!, and George for being a brilliant spectating buddy!
Thank you to the Kings - Andy for running too, for being so welcoming and Abby for an amazing pasta party!
Thank you to Max - its been great getting to know you in homegroup and at various runs across the South of England.
Thanks to the Squires (the Yummys!) You guys are like my extended family
Thank you to Alice - for being a source of advice,encouragement and watching support (oh and for helping me draft the application all those months ago!!)
Thanks to The Gordons - Marion and James for food and admiration of your crazy son, Doug for spotting him at mile 24 and for letting him be better than you at this, Helen for being a brilliant pussy galore and generally being a great big sis, Nat (well you are nearly a Gordon) for putting up with being a twin wife.
Thanks to my rents - for their support and admiration of my hubbie.
And to anyone who saw James' feet on Sunday night - thanks for not vomitting! He has been to the chirpodist now!
So that's that chellenge over.....
What Next?

www.justgiving.com/pcflash

2010-04-09T11:32:00.000+01:00

www.justgiving.com/pcflash

About this time last year I started thinking that James could run the London Marathon. He had run a few 10k events easily and said he enjoyed running. Through my volunteering with Alice's former charity I had been to the London marathon a few times. I had always been struck by the commitment and sheer guts of the runners - but their stories, their determination and the amounts of money they raise for amazing causes usually reduced me to tears.
James was fairly agreeable to the idea as long as I did the admin and got him a place. We applied to the ballot but I also thought about which charities I could apply to. There are so many 'good causes' and many which we have a link to or a reason to support.The one which I chose is not a trendy charity, dealing with a high profile issue. It is a charity that deals with a socially unacceptable issue, one which is rarely spoken of in public. It is an issue that causes 2 women a week to die. It is an issue that my husband, through his work, deals with on a daily basis. It is something that should not happen, but does, behind closed doors and causes women and children great pain, suffering and self doubt. On average a woman will experience it 35 times before she calls the Police. I applied to Refuge, the UK charity that helps women and children out of Domestic Violence, and they gave James a place. I am lucky that my marriage is strong and stable, and I come from a stable family. I have never had to experience the horror of domestic violence, but I have heard stories from James who responds to 999 calls, and my dad through his work and volunteering.
Refuge need James, and all their runners, to raise at least £1800 each to make their place worthwhile. As of writing James has raised 68% of that so over 2/3rds. There are 2 weeks and 2 days to go. It would be great if James could cross the finish line on 25th April knowing that his fundraising was done. If you've been thinking about donating but haven't yet here are some facts about James' training:
He has run over 300 miles in training.
He has trained for over 40 hours.
He has been out in all weathers - snow, wind and rain - lots and lots of rain.
He has eaten more pasta than an average Italian grandmother.
He has completed 3 half marathons in under 1 hour 55 minutes.
He has dressed up as Q from James Bond.
He has reduced his alcohol intake significantly.
He has lost one toenail, and two more are black and ready to fall off.
He wants to run in under 4 and a half hours.
He has made some great new friends: Caz, Tris, Bren, Andy, Max and Mr Yummy.
His nipples have bled.
He has found new uses for Vaseline.
And finally,
He is excited but anxious and never wants to run a marathon again (but we'll see;-))
So click here: www.justgiving.com/pcflash and give what you can.
Thank you

The Curse of Technology (Guest Entry)

2010-01-02T15:55:00.002Z

I will now take a slight change in direction of this blog. It will now form part of a Thesis that my husband has been working on for 27 years and entitled "The curse of Technology". The main aim of his work is to critique how hard technology makes modern life and flys in the face of the concentric hypothesis that technology makes our lives easier. He attempts to prove this via the Nike+ Sports band which he considers rather frustrating rather than the hoped liberation that he thought it would bring. Indeed the Luddites in his view were the original masters of this now re-awoken theory - the curse of technology.

New Year New ?

2010-01-01T13:09:00.007Z

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year "Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown." And he replied,"Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God; that shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way!"

Minnie Louise Harkins 1875-1957

This year is the first year for ages that I am entering with a degree of certainty - if that is ever possible. This year I am not giving up a job to retrain, I am not qualifying and looking for work. I have a job, and as long as I pass my NQT year, and my school agree then I have a job. James' job is secure and certain. In a way this certainty unsettles me more than the uncertainty.

Over the last few years I have been forced to rely on God and turn to Him for options and guidance. I have trusted Him and taken the path He has guided me down. I have felt like I am really walking the path He has laid out for me. When I got my job last year it felt so God given, and right. But this year does not seem to have any such event on the horizon and that in itself brings an uncertainty!

This first term of my teaching career has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I have struggled with managing my class' behaviour, along with all the stuff they don't teach you at college about paperwork, parents, records, displays etc. Each week I force myself to think about the things I have achieved - the good points to hang my progress and success on. There have been moments when I have felt good - like I know what I am doing, like this is what I am supposed to be doing. There have also been vivid and dark moments when I have felt like giving up. Moments when the Devil has actually taunted me, telling me that I am no good, to do it for a year and then forget it. When I turn to God and talk to Him then I get reminders. I also get flashes of a memory that I did not start pursuing this career to teach mainstream forever, and whilst the idea of teaching children with Autism, or other special needs, is very alien and inconceivable right now I think God sometimes gently reminds me that He is in control.

I am sure that this year will contain many surprises and decisions. I know that when choices need to be made, or questions answered that James and I will turn to God and seek His guidance. I also know that in the times that there are none of these things to be done then God is simply asking that I rest in Him. I need to remember that God is not just a crisis manager, or some sort of celestial life compass. He is my Lord and Saviour and desires a relationship with me. I need to talk to Him, listen to Him and seek his presence every day. In doing this I hope that that His voice will become clearer and my uncertainty more comfortable to bear.

Christmas

2009-12-25T18:39:00.002Z

So this is Christmas.

More and more I am challenged by what Christmas means, and how I should celebrate it. Last year our church focussed on Advent and, coupled with having most of Advent off, helped me to focus on looking forward, and thinking about teh arrival of God in our world again.

This year I spent alot of Advent being tired - teaching is exhausting. I couldn't get caught up in the hype and so, quite by mistake, I arrived at the week before Christmas ready for a rest, and ready to focus on spending time with the people I love and care for.

At our Christmas Carol Service there was a audio visual presentation and this quote struck me:

" The way you spend Christmas is far more important than how much."

I am realising that Christmas is not about presents, or food, or money. It is about giving time and love. Its about having conversations with people you only see at Christmas, listening to the people you thought you knew, but have grown and changed with the passing of the years, peeling potatoes and parsnips for Christmas lunch, chatting over glasses of champagne with your newly married friends in their lovely home, pulling on your thermals to watch a ruggby game you know your team will lose. It's about making 3.5kg of fudge, and grapefruit marmalade late at night.

I hope that I have managed to do that this year.

I know that there are many people I fail to love like I should. I know that there are people I fail to stay in touch with, things I could do but don't and things I say or think that I shouldn't.

I know that Jesus, when He stepped into the story that is my world and yours, was ready for the good and the bad. He came into a dirty difficult world, eyes open and ready to show it love. He never failed, and that allows me to get it wrong over and over again.

I hope that the way I celebrated this year will teach me more about Christ as I journey through the next 12 months. I am looking forward - as well as back.

The power of prayer

2009-08-02T16:44:00.000+01:00

3am Sunday Morning

The Fourth Plinth - This Saturday night 3am until 4am

2009-07-30T18:52:00.004+01:00

Right I have decided what I am going to do. Unfortunately I got the day wrong 3am on Sunday is in fact Saturday night!!
If you want to see me, During the event - or at all on Sunday go here: www.oneanother.co.uk and click on my timeslot.
In Trafalgar square!
I admire Gormley's work, especially his figure at Winchester Cathedral and I would like to emulate that on the plinth.
Art is not about entertaining or interacting with the viewer necessarily, but does give the artist a chance to express a feeling, a thought or a belief.
I am a 29 year old Christian woman.
My faith is the core of who I am, it grounds me and anchors me. It is my moral code, my joy, my desire. If my faith does not spill over into my actions, if it is not evident to others then I am getting it wrong.
So, I want to use my time on the plinth to pray for the city I live in. Sitting in the heart of the city will give me an opportunity to face each part of the city, North, South, East and West and pray for each in turn. As I do so I am going to light a candle as a symbol. If health and safety will let me.
I want to pray for peace and harmony. I want to pray for people I know in different parts of the city. I want to pray for hospitals, and the police. I want to pray for schools and the children of our city, the young people so intent on killing each other. I want to pray for God's grace, and love and mercy.
I am not going to pray out loud. Only God needs to hear my prayers.
And, like an hour in a prayer room, I am sure it will whizz by.
So yes. That's me, my hour.
Entertaining - no
Important - you decide
Art - well yes!

The Fourth Pinth - One & Other

2009-07-25T10:32:00.002+01:00

One & Other
Next Sunday night at 3am I will be taking part in a public art project in Trafalgar Square. Anthony Gormley, the sculptor, came up with a project to fill the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square with the people of Britain. To quote the website
"They will become an image of themselves, and a representation of the whole of humanity. "
I applied, not expecting that out of the 28821 applicants I would be one of the 2400 people selected for an hour. The places are distributed around the UK to give a true picture rather than just a load of Londoners.
Anyway I have a slot. It's in the middle of the night but it is still a slot.
When I applied I originally thought I would just sit silently and pray. However at 3 in the morning this is just going to look like I am asleep.
So what should I do?
I have thought about reading a book of the Bible out loud - Maybe a gospel, or Phillipians? Or maybe even starting at the beginning with Genesis.
Friends last night said I should bake - I need to be able to carry all my stuff up there but with a camping stove some sort of food might not be out of the question.
I want my hour on the plinth - whether it is seen by many or few - to be a witness to who I am the what I believe. I don't have a talent - I can't sing, or dance, or play an instrument.
How can I share my qualities, and make the few people who might see me think?
Answers please....!
Hannah x

NQT

2009-07-08T09:53:00.002+01:00

I did it!
I am now officially an Newly Qualified Teacher!
I cannot quite comprehend all that I have learnt, experienced or achieved in the last 10 months, going from User Involvement Worker to Primary School teacher. This week I have been exhausted. I haven't even considered September and all the new challenges that will bring. I am off on hols and then I am going into school when I get back. I need to rest, to restore, to renew.
Everyone tells you a PGCE is hard work, stressful, intense. And yes at times it has been all of those things.
However all along, no matter how tough times were, I have carried the overwhelming sense that I am on the right path.
I have never been sure of why God is leading me this way but have tried to trust Him and follow.
And that's what I continue to do. It is only with Him that I will succeed.
As well as a new career as a teacher I have gained something more; friends! Which at the age of nearly 30 is something really special.
It has been a great 10 months. I find it both amazing and terrifying to be given the privilege of educating children but its a challenge I'm willing to try.
Hannah

T minus 25

2009-06-07T10:38:00.004+01:00

On July 3rd after a day of relaxation I will officially graduate from Wandsworth SCITT as a NQT with a PGCE and QTS. In short I will be a primary school teacher!
I am TERRIFIED!
The last few months have been quite surreal - hence the lack of blogging. All my mental energy has gone into assignment writing, lesson planning, evaluating and job interviews.
I have written two 5000 word masters level essays. They were tough - and I seemed to be living under their weight for a long time. Handing the final assignment in I felt like I was emerging from a long hibernation. There was light at the end of the tunnel and I felt lighter and happier. I now know that I have passed both these papers although I don't have results yet.
On May 18th I had an interview for a teaching job at a Junior School nearby to me. I have felt an enormous sense of calm about job hunting. I firmly believe that God led me into this PGCE and future career and that He would find me a school where I can continue to serve and glorify him. Earlier in the year I attended a panel interview for the Southwark Diocesan Board of Education NQT Pool. I went to the interview not expecting anything spectacular - whilst Church Schools are reasonably common I had not previously considered working in one. Anyway the interview went well and a couple of weeks later one of the heads from my panel called me to tell me she had two vacancies at her school and would I apply. The school was larger than I had anticipated joining but I gave it to God. After a great but unsuccessful interview elsewhere I attended the interview on May 18th already knowing in my heart that God wanted me at the school. It was an odd feeling- and it sounds really boastful in print - but I did my best and waited for the call. In short I got the job! It is a great relief to have a post for September and reduces the pressure in the last few weeks of teaching.
As of Monday morning I have two and half weeks of teaching practice left. The other trainees in my school were talking about final grading the other day. All of my observations have been good so far - with some elements of very good. So I started thinking is 'good' good enough? And how can I be 'very good?' I am tired, and whilst these weeks will fly by I know they are going to be pressured and busy and I need to summon energy from somewhere to make it through. I know that I have got the foundations of teaching solid and now I need to take risks, build and expand my style - all at a time when my tank is nearly empty and my soul is aching for the week getaway on the Isle of Wight that James and I have booked in July.
I also find myself in a position where I cannot look back yet and appreciate all that I have achieved since the start of September. I am stuck in fast forward, and yes scared by the future. Learning to teach is a fairly safe environment but in September I will have my own class of 30 children with all their wonderful differences, strengths and weaknesses. I will find myself faced with 30 faces all seeing me as the expert. I have no idea how to start a year, how to introduce myself etc etc. I know that, like this year, iIwill learn. I will learn the ways of the school, I will learn about the children, I will build relationships with them, their parents, other teachers, staff and management. I know that God has led me there and He will not abandon me but I am still scared.
But for now, at t minus 25 days I need to focus on finishing my placement - being the best I can be.
H x

I am a Christian

2009-04-08T18:18:00.002+01:00

This: I am a Christian
has annoyed me. I am so wound up that this post could end up being a rant.
This Christian radio station is trying to get 100, 000 people to publicly declare their faith. By signing a declaration online. I don't seem to be able to find the list of people who've signed up so I can't report how close they are to their target. The website tells me that this 'campaign' is in response to the National Secular Society's (them again, twice in three posts) debaptism efforts. The website says:
"Premier’s “I am a Christian” campaign is asking you to take this opportunity to publicly affirm your faith and declare that Jesus is relevant to your everyday life.
Make your declaration today and join together with thousands of other Christians around the world."
My answer, in case you haven't guessed, is NO.
No I will not sign up.
I do not want to take this opportunity to publicly affirm my faith and declare Jesus is relevant to my everyday life.
I do that, everyday! By LIVING MY LIFE as best I can.
I try to be more like Jesus everyday, and fail, and ask for forgiveness, and start all over. I declare my faith by trying to be different. By trying to live out the life God wants me to. By following His path, seeking His guidance and in my ways acknowledging Him. I declare my faith by observing Lent, by trying to answer the questions of others, by trying to be humble and merciful. I declare my faith by my membership of a body of believers called a church. I declare my faith when I worship God, in song, and laughter, and prayer and praise. No Premier Radio I do not want to take your opportunity, thank you.
I think the thing that angers me most is that this campaign seems to have no real purpose. It does not seek to fight injustice, it does not address poverty, or slavery. It does not serve its community. It is not asking 100,000 people to declare that Jesus is relevant to their day to day lives by cooking a meal for their elderly neighbour, or writing to their local newspaper asking them why they allow adverts for 'massage services' where women tricked, trafficked and traded are forced to serve their captors. It does not ask me to affirm my faith by tithing my income to the church, giving money to the poor, or even praying for the NSS and its members.
I know that I am standing in judgement of this campaign, and that in itself is not the right thing to do but I am riled and I am ranting.
Mahatma Gandhi is reported to have said: 'An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind'
and Jesus himself taught:
"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" Matthew 5: 43 - 47
So I am not signing the declaration.
I'm off to declare my faith, through prayer, friendship and roast dinner.
H x

"It’s not if I believe in love, But if love believes in me" U2

2009-03-21T12:14:00.005Z

James went to the pub with his brother and some friends last night. I collapsed into bed at 17.30 and slept for an hour and a half. This week had finally caught up with me! I eventually dragged my sorry self back out of bed to cook and eat supper and settled down to watch 'Brokeback Mountain' or 'That Gay Cowboy Film' as James disdainfully refers to it. I have to say it didn't live up to its hype for me and although I understood its themes and reasons I just got really annoyed with Heath Ledger mumbling away all the time.

James came home a little worse for wear and told me that he'd had a conversation about religion with two of our friends. I enquired further as to what the conversation had entailed and found out that one person had no belief in God whatsoever. Their argument was that they knew the difference between right and wrong without needing a religious code to tell them that. They further argued that in places in the world where people developed without any knowledge of God or Christianity they still developed a moral social order and knew the difference between right and wrong within the boundaries of their society. James admitted he has been somewhat stumped at these ascertains.

After thinking for a minute I turned to him and said that I too had known the difference between right and wrong before I had believed in God. I had morals and stuck to them. My faith does not provide me with a set of morals, it provides me with a hope, a future and a reason for living. I went on to say that I believe that God created the world, and so I believe that He created those people whom Christianity has only recently reached. Therefore they know right and wrong because God has put that within them. I believe He created us all in His image.

'It's a shame you weren't there,' James said.

It goes back to the fact that even if I don't believe in God He believes in me. He created me, He wants the best for me and He loves me. I cannot change that and it is not dependent on whether I know Him or chose to acknowledge Him. This is a really difficult concept. I do not have to do anything to win or gain God's love or relationship. I am offered a free gift that I do not deserve and all I have to do is reach out my hands and take hold of it. Our friend's lack of belief in God does not prove that there is no God. The have chosen to believe in nothing but nothing cannot believe in them. If they ever change their mind then God will be there, the same as He always has been, ready to make His love into a two-way relationship.

Evangelical Atheists

2009-03-14T09:53:00.005Z

This post comes with a warning. This is not an intelligent, intellectual or informed discussion about the above topic. It is a gut reaction to this article on the BBC Website: Atheists call for 'debaptism'
The man in the article wants to be De-Baptised. He doesn't believe in God and is upset that this ever happened to him. It has taken him 50 years to get around to this so I get the feeling that it can't have been too pressing! Southwark Diocese has refused to remove the record of his baptism.
And quite right too.
Nick Baines, the Bishop quoted in the piece, is the Bishop of Croydon. He is a sensible, sensitive, thoughtful and realistic man. He says:
"You can't remove from the record something that actually happened,"
Too right!
Baptism is not a membership card. It doesn't give you free entry to heaven. It is not the end of a road, it is a door being opened, with a path that you may or may not follow beyond that doorway. The man, Mr Hunt, chose not to follow this path, but there is something about his actions and his vehement opposition that makes me wonder if he is still worried by it. Is he wondering what might happen if he took some steps down it? Would he be forced to face situations, truths, and questions that would trouble him and his almost religious certainty that there is no God?
The article says he went to confirmation classes, and is quite contradictory saying he went to confirmation classes but also decided early on he
'had no place in a hypocritical organisation.'
Seems a bit odd to me. Why didn't he stay home for Sunday lunch instead.
When I was confirmed in 2002 I had many questions. I too was baptised as a baby in a Catholic Church. My parents gave me chances and opportunities to find out more, but equally let me choose not to believe or worship. God too gave me this choice. Throughout the time that I chose not to believe, not to walk with Him, He did not forget me. There was no big catch up on His part when I started talking to Him again in my early twenties. He waited, patiently, and let me ask all my questions. Most importantly as I made the choice to be confirmed (in the Anglican church) God did not present me with a membership card, manual of all the answers and a map of my path. He took my hand, helped me to step over the threshold and start walking His path making no promises that the path was easy. I struggled with the fact that I did not remember my baptism, that it was in another denomination, that I had spent so long not believing. The words that comforted me most came from the creed which we say at communion:
'We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.
We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.'
I came to realise that it didn't matter that I didn't remember it, or that the decisions then weren't my own. They were a start, and confirmation was the next step.
I was at the Baptism of a child last Sunday morning, a couple from my home group's daughter. It was so exciting to see her now and dream of all that she may become. It was more exciting to see her in the context of her family, and her wider church family. To feel the love that she sits within. It was great to be part of the congregation welcoming her and encouraging her. I love the liturgy for the whole congregation to say :
"Do not be ashamed to confess the faith of Christ crucified.
Fight valiantly as a disciple of Christ
against sin, the world and the devil,
and remain faithful to Christ to the end of your life."
I feel like it could be a big cheer at a Rugby match - "Go on girl, you can do it!"
And most importantly whichever path she chooses, however she decides to live her life, whatever she decides to do she will be loved, supported and accepted. By her family and by God. At no stage will she be able to delete or rub that out.

Back to the article! It says:
'The Church wonders aloud why, if atheists and secularists believe baptism is so meaningless, they are letting it upset them.'
and goes on:
'Mr Hunt supplies his own answer.
"Evangelical noises are getting louder and louder."'

I have to agree with the Church on this one. To me it seems that strong Atheist Organisations are the ones making loud Evangelical noises. They seem to be getting very worried about the people of a God they don't believe in and shouting louder and louder in an attempt to convert people to believing in nothing. Which still requires faith. I don't understand, and like I said at the beginning this is not an informed or intelligent discussion. All I do know is that I worship a living God, one with a thick skin and a sense of humour. I know that he exists because I talk to Him and He responds and my life has been better, lighter and more exciting to live since I took His hand and stepped over the threshold and started walking His path. Maybe Mr Hunt should go back, take a look at that path again and instead of trying to delete a historical record, make an informed and adult decision about where he is going to put his faith and hope, and then just get on with doing that, letting his actions and the way he lives his life be his witness.
Hannah x

Spring

2009-03-02T16:11:00.002Z

As I walked out of college with my friend at lunchtime on Friday I was stopped dead in my tracks. The street was quiet, there was no commotion and I was feeling fine. "The sun!" I exclaimed, "I can feel the sun on my face!" It was the most wonderful feeling, and the warmth radiated not just onto my face but into my soul. I love the feeling of well being that the sunshine brings and the knowledge that spring is trying to push its way into being. Winter seems long and dark, and although I have achieved an enormous amount this winter the promised arrival of spring is very welcome. The last few weeks of the winter have been a strange time. On Sunday February 1st it started snowing, and didn't stop until half way through Monday 2nd. James and I woke up to a world hidden under a duvet of snow, no car noise, no trains, no buses. The bright cold whiteness filled our house. We started off on a journey to the supermarket and ended up sledging and snowballing with our friends and building an 8ft snowman outside our church, who was named 'Trevor Mapsnow'. As we returned home that afternoon to defrost and try and get on with life it felt odd, and that oddness didn't go for over a week. I felt disrupted and displaced, and despite the fun and laughter that the snow brought, I felt very uncomfortable, out of sync. College ended up very topsy turvy and culminated in a morning that left me on the verge of tears. Later that week I received some sad news. It was not entirely unexpected news but my reaction to it, and the feelings it brought with it were. The situation left me confused, and I found myself feeling very uncomfortable with a sense of loss I had not anticipated. The situation felt very awkward, and the confusion felt dark and sad. Several things happened over the next few days and most importantly instead of trying to shoulder all my emotions I poured them out to God. I had a conversation with a close friend which was helpful, although did not give me answers. As that week wore on things started to change, and out of a difficult situation God started to do His work. He created opportunities, blessed conversations, and gave answers to those who needed them. After just ten days what had seemed like a hopeless situation was bringing new life, new opportunities and new hope. It feels like everything is going to be OK, and where God was seemingly absent He is evident and at work. I guess its a bit like Spring. In the depths of winter, when we feel like we have been cheated out of our fair share of sunlight, when the trees are dark and naked, when there are no flowers and people huddle up under hats and scarves, there feels like there is very little hope. On the darkest coldest days it is difficult to remember that this will end, that there will be sunshine again. And then when you have had enough, just when you are least expecting it the sun comes out, bulbs start to push their way through the barren soil, daffodils dare to flash their bright yellow petals for all to see. And as the warmth of the sun hits our faces we remember that there is hope, there will be warm sunny days again, and that God is always working, renewing and bringing light to our darkness.

New Class

2009-02-10T17:18:00.002Z

I met my new class on Tuesday morning. This is the class that I will teach for 12 weeks in two blocks and they will take me all the way through to qualifying as a teacher!

I hadn't been nervous until my train was pulling into the station - the same station I go to several times a week. A sudden realisation hit me that this class were the ones with whom I will discover my teaching style. my strengths, my weaknesses. They are the class with whom I will have good lessons, and truely awful ones.

There are two other trainees in my school so I am not completely alone. My mentor is also the 'lead' mentor for the school so all three of us went to meet her first. As the other two were taken off to their rooms and I stood alone in an empty classroom I felt very alone. I had a sudden cold dread of panic. 'Do I really want to do this?' I thought.

After leaving my last placement school on a high I am back at the bottom of the pile.

The morning was good. I am going to be OK. I know that I am not alone. I have the support of my mentor, SCITT and my fellow trainees. I also have the support of my husband, my family and my friends.

I also know that hundreds of trainee teachers have gone before me. Standing at the front of a class for the first time, armed with a lesson plan and a nervous smile. I know that I will make mistakes, but I'm ready to learn from them.

Utalitarian Faith

2009-02-04T19:38:00.004Z

More and more I am learning that my faith is a very practical one. I do not have the gift or prophesy, or speaking in tongues. I am too forgetful to pray with any consistency. I am not a theologist, nor blessed in apologetics. I am not a preacher, or an evangelist. I am not a youth leader or a children's worker.
More and more I realise that God is asking me to show my faith by just getting on with life. Just doing what I'm doing.
If you want to give this a label then my gift is partly 'hospitality'. This isn't just baking, or cooking. It isn't having people over for dinner. It's listening to someone when they really need it, it's offering my computer to the person who needs to send a job application form, its allowing my brother in law to come over, make his own coffee and eat my leftover desserts. It's doing coffee after Church when fewer people than ought to say thank you, or allowing one person to eat at least 1/6th of the cakes I spent time and effort baking without getting angry. It is even more than this too.
The other part of my faith is just getting on with it. It's being a wife to James, loving him, making his lunch, ironing his shirts, saying a kind to word to him when he's upset. It's about listening to my husband when he offers me advice, comforts me and even when he tells me no!
It's also about me being right where God wants me to be right now. Training to be a teacher. Going to lectures, writing my assignments and doing my best. It's about trusting that God will find me a job. The right job.
I've been at Carotty Wood this weekend with Connexions, the 14-18 yr olds Youth Group at Church. I was cooking for 50+ people with my dream team of Rach and Janette (thanks girls we rocked!) When I wasn't in the kitchen, sleeping, or writing my essay I spent time in the group meetings. The theme was Gladiators! On Saturday night Steve spoke about Philip. He finished his talk with clips from Cool Runnings (best film!). His message from the film was this:
‘A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you are not good enough without it, you are not going to be good enough with it.’
You can substitute Gold Medal for any other thing you covet, or desire.
Steve was saying (and please correct me someone if I've got this wrong) that with God we are good enough. We don't need anything else. What we do need to do, like Philip, is listen to God and do what He asks us to do. We shouldn't put him off. We shouldn't say to God I'll do that: 'When I have a job...'. 'When I'm older...' 'When I have a house...'
I sat thinking after Steve's talk and it dawned on me: James and I answered God's call over a year and half ago. We followed a path He laid out for us. James is now in the Police and I am training to teach. We don't have great wealth, or possessions but we're comfortable and in our own home. Greater than that we have the Love of God. We have the assurance of His presence and the comfort of His grace. He has the power to take it all away, and I pray that He doesn't. Right now, at the start of 2009 James and I are walking God's path. The going isn't always going to be easy but if we keep checking we're going the right way then the destination will be immense.
Hannah x
p.s. For more on the lessons in Cool Runnings look here: http://coolrunningslive.com/index.php/lessons-from-cool-runnings

In my Prime!

2009-01-16T09:36:00.005Z

I am a prime number again. Yesterday was my 29th Birthday. I am not big on birthdays but I had a lovely day. I was due to be in college all day but our ICT lecturer was poorly so I had a free afternoon.

Now no girl should have to study on her birthday so I used it wisely!

James was on a day off so he met me and a few of my course mates in a lovely pub in Wandsworth called The East Hill, where we had a yummy lunch (BLT with Sweet Potato Chips anyone?) The beer is good, and so is the atmosphere. It was fun.

After lunch James and I caught the train into town for a trip to the National Portrait Gallery. I am not a big cluture vulture. I can't tell you who my favourite artist is, or what museum does the best coffee. But occaasionaly an exhibition comes along and I think that it would be fun to see.

I love photos. I am not great at taking them but I love to do so, and to see them, feel them and study them. Annie Leibovitz is a world reknowned phtographer. Mainly she takes great pictures of famous people for magazines like Rolling Stone and Vanity Fair. Whenever I see her pictures in the press, or a magazine I am intrigued by them. They are beautiful and poignant. Some of her most famour pictures include Demi Moore pregnant in 1991 and The Queen in 2007. This exhibition is called Annie Leibovitz. A photographer's life, 1990 - 2005. What made it really special is that it is not just showcase for all her amazingly famous stuff, but interweaves her personal collection. Pictures of her parents, her siblings, her daughters and her friend and lover.

Wandering round it suddenly struck me what it is about photographs that fascinates me. It is something to do with a moment being caught in time. A moment that cannot be recreated, that will not happen again. And more than that: looking back at photos the people in them could not know what would happen to them, how thier lives would pan out, how they would play a part in history.

In a side room off the main corridor of the gallery there were two portraits hanging on the wall. Side by Side. Two men in Military Uniform. Norman Schwarzkopf and Colin Powell. Taken in 1991. Colin Powell's eyes are glossy. Was he crying? What was he feeling? Norman Schwarzkopf is proud. Chest puffed out. I am too young to remember the detail of the first gulf war but I know both these men played a part. Were they thinking about that when the camera went click? Did Colin Powell realise he would be Secretary of State. That he would see planes fly into the Twin Towers? That there would be another Gulf War?

THere are beautiful pictures of non famous peopel too. I love the one of her mother taken in her later years. She is not smiling but peers curiusly at the camera. Her age, experience, elegnace and knowledge is etched on her face. It is a beautful picture.

I took James with me to the exhibition. He likes art more than pictures. It was good to have him there to muse over my thinking. To share my thoughts and ideas. As we were leaving he pointed to one (the one on this blog post) and said

'I like that one best?'

'Why?' I asked.

'I just do,' he replied.

And that is the beauty of pictures, love, life and everything.

Sometimes you just don't need a reason.

Eulogy

2008-12-31T18:34:00.002Z

I gave the Eulogy at my Grandma's Funeral this morning. You will recognise alot of it. People liked it. Lots of people commented on it. That and the fact I look like my Grandma. She was beautiful, I'm glad I look like her:

"My Grandma died last Monday and I've not yet shed a tear.
My Grandma was a woman of God, and last week He called her home to be restored to Glory with Him.
My Grandma had Alzheimer's disease. This meant that her true character and her soul have been fading for many years. This has been sad to see and experience. There was nothing any of us could do except feel frustrated and helpless. I am thankful that my uncle, my mother and my father spent time with her towards the end, just being with her.
My Grandma was a great woman, with a strength and grace that used to scare me until I eventually understood what it was. As a child I remember her as always being immaculately turned out, hair done, make-up on. She was sometimes stern but always compassionate and I was never in any doubt as to her love for me and my sister irksome as we were!
She had the most amazing experiences throughout her life, as a child in Ireland, a young woman coming to England, as a passenger on a boat torpedoed and sunk in the Irish Sea, in the East-end during the Blitz (although I can’t imagine her as an extra in Albert Square), as an army nurse in the Queen Alexandra’s Royal Army Nursing Corps, at the D-Day Landings – how many people can say that both their grandparents were there? as a wife to my grandfather Tony and a mother to my Uncle John and my mother Aeileish and finally as a grandmother to both me and my younger sister Alice.
Throughout her life she stood strong in her faith and worshipped with conviction and duty. When Alice and I were young we always came to church with her. We were both baptised in this very church. Around the age of nine I stopped coming to church. I remember the feeling of dread telling my Grandma. I’m not sure if she was cross but I have a feeling she kept praying for me.
I came back to faith at the age of 21 and my grandmother’s example has always been an inspiration to me.
As the Alzheimer's began to creep onward, stealing more and more of her essence I began to pray more to God for her. Not for healing but for her restoration.
When I was about six years old I stood in the kitchen of my Grandma's house as she prepared supper and said
"Grandma how long will you live?"
She looked at me, pinny on, tea towel in hand, and said:
"Well I might live long enough to see you married."
To a six-year-old girl, that seems like a long long time.
As I prepared for my wedding eighteen months ago I asked God to let her know that it was OK. I was getting married, and if that was what she had been waiting for, to keep her promise to me, then it was all OK she could go now.
A few months ago she had a fall and broke her hip. Her Alzheimer's made it difficult for the medical staff to communicate with her, they are unprepared and under trained. I prayed that she wouldn't be in too much pain and that God would give her peace and rest.
I hadn't thought about her for a few weeks until last Monday morning. Sitting at the bus stop thoughts of her came into my head and I prayed.I prayed that God would call her home soon. That He would restore her, that he would end her pain. As a caveat I said "Well maybe not before Christmas though, however your timing is perfect Lord. Your timing is perfect."
My Dad's phone call last Monday afternoon was not a surprise and I have felt an enormous sense of peace since. God's timing is perfect.
He put her on my heart and then He called her home and I am thankful that she is safe, healed and restored.
I have not shed many tears; my sadness is outweighed by my awe and wonder at the power of my God, my Grandma's God and our Saviour.
Your timing is perfect Lord.
As the words of my favourite worship song say
"Till he returns, or calls me Home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.""

Angel

2008-12-04T07:21:00.002Z

God sent me an Angel yesterday morning. The Angel was my father in law.

Let me explain:

I am in my last week of my teaching placement (more about that later) and I am struggling to fend off the lurgy. I am tired. James is working nights which means he gets home at 3am.

On Tuesday night I showered before bed and treated myself to an extra 20 minutes in bed. At the incessant ringing of my alarm I hit the snooze button and as it trilled out a second time I hit off. An hour later at 7.20 am I woke up. Train leaves at 7.49 at least a ten minute walk away.

My hair looked like a hedgerow in a hurricane and I had to have tea to function.

After rushing around, straightening hair, gulping tea and packing lunch and brekkie I was about ready to leave when I had a knock on the front door.

" Who the heck is that? Where are my keys? What do they want?" I thought.

On opening the door I saw my father in law with a bit of carpet - don't ask - long story. Thinking I don't need this right now I tried to be bright and breezy.

Then my father in law utters the word:

"Would you like a lift to the station?"

YES!

So I get transported to the station, giving me time to put my hat and gloves on.

And I get there 2 minutes before my train is due to leave.

I called James to let him know I was OK and what had happened.

"So God answered my prayer then? " he says.

Yes I guess he did, an Angel at my door.

Hannah x

Advent

2008-12-01T18:26:00.003Z

This year my church has joined the Advent Conspiracy. This is a challenge to take back Advent. It is a challenge to use Advent as it was intended, as a time to prepare for the coming of Jesus, not Christmas!
Our church booklet says:
"Advent is a time which we set aside, to call upon God to break into our lives and our world, to renew and restore us, and to rid the world of evil and establish the new heavens and earth. We look for that breaking in of God in the coming of the Messiah in Bethlehem, and in the coming of the Messiah at the end of history....... Advent is a time of pilgrimage and spiritual preparation – not just a time to plan the practicalities of Christmas! Enjoy this opportunity to be refreshed and revived by God."

In addition to resources to help us pray at home, there is also an Advent prayer room accessible 24 hours a day but additionally with times of led prayer. I am going to spend some time in there this Advent. I might join commuters prayer tomorrow morning at 7am. I might take a night watch as James watches over London on his first real shifts. I want to spend time on my knees, waiting, watching and listening. I want to hear God, and what he has to say to me. I want to invite Him back into my my heart this Advent and take Him with me wherever I go, and give His love to whoever I meet. Come and join me?

Hannah x
Check out Advent Conspiracy for lots more about this - watch the video on the home page. It will make you think.

Friendship

2008-11-25T07:30:00.000Z

Wikipedia says that

"Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings."

The Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary says a friend is

"someone who is not an enemy and whom you can trust" and "a person whom you know well and whom you like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family"

Once again it's Facebook that has got me thinking, and blogging about Friendship. On my Facebook I have all sorts of friends. there are people I was at Uni with, my mooses, my SSAGS friends, and some of the rugby girls. There are the Beccs Ladies. There are people on SCITT with me this year. There are lots of my church friends, and friends from Croydon. There are also a small number of friends I went to school with. They are my 'friends' because I share, or have shared some sort of an experience with them. I have met every single one of them in the flesh. There are some people on there I know much better than others. There are some I see and share time, food, and laughter with regularly. There are others who are further away geographically but whom I'm love dearly and Facebook allows me to keep in touch with them, their lives, their lows and their highs.

There are people who are my friends on Facebook, whom I have not spoken to face to face with for a long time. Lots of these are the people I went to school with. At school I had very few close friends, and my best friends came from my Venture Scout Unit. It was with them I had the most fun and formative years of my life. However looking back through my wedding photos I was a little saddened to see that there was not one person with whom I had shared my school days there, apart from my sister. On the other hand I have achieved so much since I left school, and even university. I have changed enormously as a person and I love the me I am now much better than the me I was at 18, or even 20. Does this mean that I should ditch or ignore those people who were part of the fabric of my past? Does it means that people I shared experiences with at that time, should no longer be considered 'friends'?

A few weeks ago the opportunity arose via Facebook Chat to 'talk' to someone who I have not had any real contact with for about 8 years. This person and I were friends at school, never best friends, but we shared experiences, and laughs together. 8 years ago this person helped me out when I was in quite a low place. Shortly after this I did something that hurt this person. I am not proud of my actions, my timing or my behaviour. A few months later I met James, and by the time that year was out God was in my life. Although I had made my peace with God for what I did, I had never fond the strength, courage or opportunity to apologise to this person, this friend. The virtual conversation we had on Facebook was not easy, pleasant or jovial. Some long hidden truths and anger came out. I was forced to face the consequences of my actions from a different phase of my life. I apologised. I have forgiven myself for what I did but asking for someone else's forgiveness, when it's 8 years late, is not fun and appears to be a very pathetic exercise. I am glad we had our conversation, for me it feels like I have shut a door that was still slightly ajar.

So does that mean that me and this person can continue being 'friends'? Have the last 8 years without contact destroyed this status between us? Or is it that by trying to shut a door, I have in fact opened it wider, leading to more pain and questioning? I now find myself somewhat under attack from this person. They do not understand my faith, or the journey I have been on in the last 8 years. Our lack of shared experience in this time seems to have destroyed the friendship we had before this time.

I like having friends. I like the variety they bring to life. I feel lucky to have gathered so many shared experiences during my life so far. It would be sad to lose one but if the rift is too deep, if our differences are greater than our similarities, if we cannot understand how each other has grown and changed then maybe we find ourselves sharing nothing more than the past and staring into a future without each other.

Hannah

Mrs Gordon

2008-11-03T18:31:00.005Z

(Thanks to Rach for the photo idea!)

So I am a week and a half into teaching practice and enjoying it. I have become Mrs Gordon, year one teacher!
I am teaching in a class of 5 and 6 year olds. They're lovely. I am still unsure, still feeling my way, still not quite getting it, but it feels OK.
I feel safe and like I can make mistakes. I feel like I am learning, by watching and being in a classroom, and by trying little things out.
I took my first little part of a lesson yesterday, which wasn't so bad and later this week I am taking Guided Reading. My teaching partner is lovely and our mentor's style really suits me.
It all feels a bit surreal quite a lot of the time. I looked around today and thought "This is my life! This is what I do now!"
I thought I would spend half term doing my first assignment, due in early January, and generally beavering away but I mainly rested. I did some prep work for the assignment, and then just mooched. I took a much needed trip westwards to see my sister, and receive her bargain shopping assistance, I had lunch with friends, I dinner with more friends. It was good.
And now I am back in school. In four and half weeks time phase one teaching practice will be over. I will have made a start to my teaching career and I will be ready to step up a gear and get stuck in to my favoured key stage.
I can't think about that too much right now, it scares me and I'm not quite ready for it yet. But I know that it will come and I will be ready. At the moment Year One is where it's at, and I feel that as the thirty children in my class learn new things and have novel experiences so do I. We're all in this together. H x

Wholeness

2008-11-01T20:05:00.003Z

Last Sunday night's service at church was a service of healing and wholeness. This is something that we do regularly and is encompassed in the regular service. It is a chance to be prayed for with the laying on of hands and to be anointed with oil.

The service more generally was part of a series called 'The Provocative Church' and looked specifically at Christian Community.

During the time given over to prayer and reflection after the sermon I spent time thinking about what Wholeness means and its relationship to healing.

How am I supposed to know when I should be praying for someone to be healed, or if being made whole might mean God calling them home, where they will get rid of their failing earthly body and be restored. How do I pray for someone who is a shell of who they used to be? Someone whose deeds and witness has been locked away in a bosy and mind that can no longer communicate them? What am I praying for? Can I pray for what I want to pray for, can I be brutally honest with God? I want to be, but I am also drawn to pray a pithy 'not my will but yours' prayer. Is this sort of half hearted prayer even worth uttering, does it waste the time of my creator God who knows what is truly on my heart?

I'm not sure I know what to do, or how to pray. All that I know is that I am called to pray and petition God. Perhaps that is all I need to do right now? Acknowledge that I am struggling on this one, and that there is an issue close to my heart that I don't know how to pray through.

Hannah

Doesn't Time Fly

2008-10-15T12:57:00.000+01:00

Well it's been well over a month since I walked through the doors of Wandsworth Primary Schools' Consortium to start my journey as a SCITT Trainee. In many ways my old life seems a long way away and I am beginning more to identify myself as a trainee teacher. I struggle with what that means, what is expected of me, what I should be doing and how I should be doing it.

I've had to meet 34 new people, my peers, my fellow SCITTs. These are the people who I am going to go through the ups and downs of the next nine months with! We are a good mixture of people, a wide range of ages, and we bring a wealth of past experience, from teaching assistants, psychologists, OTs, children's tv programme makers, musicians, artists and more. We are all people who have achieved in our careers and made a positive decision to change.

But now, we're all back at square one. We are all starting again. I am confused by how this makes me feel. In some ways I feel grateful that I have decided to change my life. I know that God is right beside me and this is the path He has me walking right now. I know that His will is perfect and pleasing. Starting a new career, a new training has put me back at the bottom of the pile. I feel deskilled, and whilst I don't feel stupid, I don't feel special either. I feel like I've lost my voice, and my identity.

There's a lot of new information too, but nowhere to use it. At the moment it's in files, on my shelves and in my head. I know that's OK and that when I need it I know where to find it. I have learnt and re learnt some stuff and on the whole I am excited

But my overwhelming emotion at the moment is anxiety. Next week is the start of my first phase of school experience. This represents another great unknown. I'm on a paired placement, with another trainee in the same class, and there are four other trainees in the same school. I am not alone! In my head I know that it will be fine, fun and frenetic. It's time to do some real learning, but looking at my School Experience Handbook in back and white with it's tasks and official forms scares me.

I need to get back in touch with the professional, competent, ambitious me. The one who applied to be a teacher, the one who believes that every child has the potential to achieve, the one who knows that all children are special, and given the right opportunities, goals, and chances will succeed. If she comes on teaching practice then it'll be a whole lot easier.

H x

Bye Bye Trixie

2008-08-19T08:48:00.004+01:00

Three years ago after my housemates moved to Australia and my sister came to stay for the summer I decided that I needed a furry companion.
Living in a flat at the time I wanted a house cat - one that doesn't go out much. And I wanted an old cat. Kittens are for houses where they can run around and go outside and there are people to play with them. Old cats that find themselves without an owner are difficult to re home. I wanted to give a loving home to an old cat, and give it love, comfort and companionship in its last years.
So at the end of August 2005 Trixie came to live with us. Her owner had gone into a care home and so she needed a new place to live. Her paperwork was immaculate and her vaccination certificate said she had been born in March 1991. This cat was already 14.
She was great fun, enjoyed playing with bits of string, and anything that she could bat across the floor. She wasn't much of a huggable cat, but she liked company on her own terms.
The first night she stayed with us we kept he in the sitting room as instructed. Periodically throughout the night Alice and I could hear her wailing. We'd take it in turns to go in to see what was wrong. We were met by a low warm rumble of her purring and rubbing round our legs. She was lonely.
As she grew to know the flat her favourite place to sleep at night became the bed. On top of us. Or on our heads, or on our pillows. She knew when breakfast time was and was very good at walking on us and giving our heads a gentle tap to ask us to get up and wield the tin opener! In the day she lounged on the big fleecy cushion by the radiator, occasionally letting out little meows as she stretched and caught her paw on the hot metal.
The summer after James moved in he decided that she should go outside. So she did, enjoying the grass, and dust of the garden. She never wanted to stay out long, and would occasionally pop out to see if the outside world was still there. As she got older she did less, and played less and became more grumpy. She was my grumpy old lady.
She wasn't very happy when we moved, and she became noticeably older. She found stairs difficult and was more grumpy.
When we went on holiday last week she went to a cattery. It was sad dropping her off and she looked so old.
Last Monday the cattery phoned and I had a very tough conversation with them. Trixie had become more poorly. She was a very sick cat and we had to make a decision about what to do.
With very sad hearts James and I decided that it would be kinder to let her go there and then, rather than hospitalising her for a week until we came home. The vet who saw her said he thought she had a brain tumour.
It was very sad, and I was upset. I am still sad and the house feels a bit empty. I keep expecting to see her in the mornings or hear her on the laminate downstairs. But she's gone. After 17 and half years.
Tidying away the kitchen I found some cat food. Senior, it said on it, for cats aged 8 plus. It struck me that Trix had been Senior for more than half her life, and that's pretty good. I am glad that she came to live with us and was part of our family. I loved her very much, but I'm glad she's out of pain. H x

Time to turn the page

2008-08-07T16:00:00.005+01:00

On Friday I will leave my job after nearly four years. I have had this date on my diary for months now, and I have known I was leaving since 28th November last year. But as I sit here now it all feels a bit real, a bit odd and I am unsure. On Sunday in church as I was praying I had an image come into my mind. I was standing on a huge book. I looked behind me and I could see the fold down the spine and the facing page in the distance. I was quite close to the edge. It felt like I had to step off so that the page could turn over. I was scared but I knew that God was there with me. And that's how I feel. People ask me if I am excited about SCITT but I am not ready to look at that yet. It's on the next page.
I have recycled masses of paper, sorted out files, written handover documents, deleted emails and computer files, handed over the keys to my filing cabinet and now I'm sitting here reflecting.
What does four years of a job look like?
The information in these files cannot possibly convey the conversations I've had, the relationships I've built, the anger I've felt, the good times I've had. It's even hard to portray the progress I've made. What I do is very qualitative, its been about changing attitudes, making links, talking to people and getting people to think differently.
I have changed enormously in the last four years. I started here at the end of August 2004, aged just 24, only one 'real' job under my belt. I have had to change and develop, learn a new jargon. I have grown to understand how things work, how to behave in meetings, how to address professionals and service users. I've learnt to work with people I don't like and to like people I work with. I have learnt not to take things personally. A few weeks ago I found myself chairing part of a meeting with some fairly high level professionals in it. I had a heated discussion with a service user who upped and left saying "I am not being insulted by some young girl." And as he walked out, I held my cool, took a deep breath and carried on. Some young girl I am not anymore.
I am leaving this job as a young professional woman. I hope that I have earned respect from my colleagues. I hope that I have been able to share some of what I have learnt, and worked on. I hope that I have been a good and amiable colleague. I hope that whoever comes in to do this job after me (Watch out for the advert in Wednesday's Guardian, as well as 4 other jobs) has energy and passion and refuels this project to achieve its potential. My time here is done. I am finished. Time to turn the page.
Hannah

When you have no idea what God's up to

2008-07-24T09:23:00.003+01:00

I have been following the story of the Lawrenson family since about March this year. It is a story of hope, faith and love. I'm not going to retell it because Nathan Lawrenson has been doing that on his blog Confessions of a CF Husband
There have been times of major celebration, when God's answers to prayer have rung out crystal clear.
But right now God has thrown them another challenge, another battle, another situation where they can do nothing but lean on Him and pray.
And I, along with hundreds of thousands of people around the world, am joining them in their prayers. But the one thing I find myself asking God is: 'What the flippin heck do you think you're doing?' Now I probably have no right the answer but it doesn't stop me from asking it.
I know that prayer is powerful but that doesn't stop mine being full of frustration and anger. He's a Big God, He can take it and His still small voice of calm will provide answers. All we need to do is believe in Him
H x

Growing in faith

2008-07-23T12:19:00.005+01:00

Accompanying my decision to step back from my Scout role is a desire to grow in my faith. I 'became a Christian' sometime between the end of 2000 and the middle of 2001, and I was confirmed in May 2002, just before my finals at uni.
I have been on an interesting journey since that time and I now belong to a good church. I have been on a short term mission, I serve at church in various ways. I pray and I read my bible. I have been in the same home group for four and a half years. I got married in my church, making my vows before God, my family and friends.
So what now?
I feel like I need to focus on being a disciple. I know bits about God, His word and His ways. I have a desire to know Him better. I trust in Him and His plan for me but I want to know how to serve Him better.
I want to know what my gifts are, and how I can use them to serve God and bless my family, friends, church and neighbours.
I want to challenge myself without spreading myself too thinly. I want to be hungry for God, for His word, His voice. I want to reflect His ways in mine, and for my life to be worship of Him.
Starting a PGCE in September is going to require a lot of me so I am tempted to rest on my laurels for a year, and shake up my faith nest July. But there is a nagging part of me that thinks drawing closer to God at the same time as my PGCE can only be beneficial. I DO NOT want to DO more, I want to GROW more.
So what should I do and when? God knows!
Hannah x

Learning to let go

2008-07-11T10:02:00.002+01:00

I am a yes person. This is on the whole a good thing. It means I try new things, get new experiences, help people out and generally get involved. It does also mean that sometimes I end doing things that I would rather not. Sometimes these things turn out to be good, and I enjoy doing them, I learn from them and I realise that they are part of God's plan for me.

Sometimes these things are not good, I still learn from them, they are still part of God's plan, but it's when He tells me to walk away that I get stuck. I don't like to let people down, and I feel sometimes that if I walk away from something that I have failed.

For a while now I have been realising that the role that I hold within the Scout Group is not for me. There have been a couple of incidents that have made me think that I should not being doing this role, including a time I was reduced to tears. The situation came to a head shortly after James started his new job. It came to a point where a I realised that my role within Scouts was putting pressure on my marriage. Time to step down.

Around the same time Helen gave her last sermon at Emmanuel before moving on to pastures new. In it she spoke about being able to step out of a role and move on when you know its not your gift or your calling. It was one of those loud hailer moments from the pulpit.

Praying about it I felt God telling me to lay down my pride. In my head I didn't want to walk away and let the Scout group down, but God was telling me that it was not my responsibility and that I was not the only person capable of doing the job. I thought back over what I have achieved in the two years since I took the role and I realised that there are good things, and a firm foundation for someone to take forward.

So at my last exec meeting I took a deep breath and told them. I am going to carry on as normal until September and then from then until December I am going to do bare minimum and then step down at the end of the year. If someone comes forward before then I Will step down before then.

It was tough, letting go, giving the situation to God and asking Him to find someone to take on the role. It was tough to tell the exec that I am not going to continue. I felt bad, but I also know that I need to do this for me. I need to let go and concentrate on the gifts God has given me and the calling He has made to me.

Ch ch ch ch changes

2008-06-24T10:57:00.005+01:00

Common wisdom would have it that you should get married, buy a house, settle down and have 2.4 children, or whatever the national average is these days.

James and I can tick off one, and two. Half way there.

As for three? Errrr not exactly.

You may remember that last Summer, shortly after we got married I started considering a change in career, and that in September we had an away day and spent time listening to what God wanted us to do with our lives. Well it wasn't just me considering my future that day. For a very long time James has wanted to become a Police Officer. It is something that he has thought about doing since school. I have never been terribly keen on the idea, and have encouraged him to pursue Planning that his degree and masters degree allow him to do. However after being in planning for a while he felt that he wanted to investigate whether joining the Police was a feasible option.

Well it turned out that it was. He called the MPS recruitment to see whether being a PCSO was the only route into the Met these days, this being the story his brother had been told 12 months earlier. It wasn't, and there was a recruitment seminar about two weeks later, which he could book a place on. This was the route into getting an application form and spoke about how to fill in the form and fill statements for each of the five competencies. We thought and prayed about James changing his career. There was a lot of soul searching, and tears and questions. The form arrived and James sat down for a mammoth filling in session. Except there was a surprise in store - James didn't have to fill in the competencies, he just had to declare that he was a graduate. And that was that.

He had his 'day 1' interviews in November, which he passed, and his medical in January. All good. The supposedly impossible application process had been so smooth and simple. It seemed that God had prepared a way for James, and I needed to rely on His wisdom and strength to deal with my worries and concerns.

The day after we moved, James had a call with a start date of May 27th. He resigned from his job at the council and got ready to become a Police Officer.

I still have concerns, and worries. I will worry about his safety on the streets of London, I will be concerned that he enjoys his job. I pray that he will be a good witness at work, that he remembers that he serves God first, not the MPS. However I have come to realise that my marriage vows mean that I am called to support James whatever he chooses to do. I would rather be married to a planner than a policeman, but God has changed our path and I need to walk it with faith, one hand in James' and one in God's. Together, bound in prayer, strengthened by faith, trusting God's manifold and great mercies, we will be going the right way. It might not be a comfortable journey, but it's the only way for us.

H x

Home Sweet Home

2008-06-16T14:08:00.002+01:00

[this post will have photos when I take some]
On April 4th we got the keys to our first home. It was so exciting. We had moving planned for Saturday so on the Friday we picked up the keys from the agent, wandered up the road and through the front door of our house. There was lovely afternoon sunshine streaming through the window and we walked round the house into every room. As we did we prayed to God, we thanked Him for such a wonderful a place to live, that the timings worked out, that the finances were sorted. We asked Him to bless our house, to make it a place of love, where we can grow together, where our marriage will blossom. A place where people will feel welcome, where there will always be a cup of tea and place to rest, where we can entertain and practice true hospitality.
Saturday saw us move in, and the House transformed into a home. We couldn't have done it without help, and it was wonderful to sit and eat with so many friends on our first evening in.
Since then we have unpacked, sorted, shifted, and built furniture. James had a week of and painted, and plastered, took doors off and DIYed.
There are still some things to do to make it feel homely - we need pictures, and lampshades, and curtains. We need to make a rota for cleaning, and stick to it. My in-laws, James and Marion, have been doing Sterling work in the garden, and when I have my time off in August I am going to have a go too.
I love it. Life is tough right now, but having a place to call home, where I can shut the front door and feel safe. A place where I can escape and know that this hard time is temporary, is a great great gift.
H x

apologies

2008-06-13T15:47:00.000+01:00

For not blogging.
Lots has happened.
I'll blog next week properly.
But for now
Go Enjoy Friday Night
Hannah x

1st Anniversary

2008-05-05T22:00:00.000+01:00

Has a whole 366 days passed since I made these vows:

I, Hannah, take you, James ,to be my husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love, cherish, and obey,
till death us do part,
according to God's holy law.
In the presence of God I make this vow.

Well yes it has. And what a year it's been.

We've been very busy, which is sometimes good and sometimes not so good. And I think that over the year we've grown together. We know more about each other, we've talked about our future, we've discussed, and changed, our careers (more on that). We bought our first home. We've comforted each other in tough times, we've celebrated in good times. And for everyone who said "Well you live together already, getting married won't change anything." You were wrong!

Being married is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I love having my best friend around all the time and knowing that as I go grey(er) and wrinkly he will be there for me. I am so excited about sharing every day of my future with him, all the adventures, the highs the lows, the loves, the losses.

For our anniversary we ran away to Gav's parents' house in Corhampton. We went to Winchester, and James let me loose in a Cook Shop! We went to the Cathedral, we ate well, we chatted, we drank wine. On the Sunday it was 20 mile training day in the New Forest which you can read about on my Moonwalk blog, followed by Roast Dinner and Champagne.

On our actual anniversary we had a lazy brekkie in bed with Bucks Fizz and exchanged pressies. Instead of cards I came up with an idea (well actually I nicked it out of a book). we bought a notebook in Winchester and every year we will write a bit to each other. This way as time goes by we will build up a record of events, and thoughts and each year we'll put in a picture of us on our anniversary. James was cynical but he'll get the hang of it. This was followed up by a trip to a country pub and then the local May Country Fair with Maypole dancing and lambs! Great great fun.

James I love you. Always. Hannah xxx

A Mini Update

2008-04-11T14:09:00.002+01:00

Well it's been a hectic week but....
We're in! A huge huge thank you to everyone who helped on Saturday. You are all Angels and we wouldn't have been able to sit down to eat in as much comfort as we did if it wasn't for you.
There are lots and lots of good things about our house. It feels like home already and I love that James and share a vision for it and the home it will be become.
I love going upstairs to bed, and waking up and going downstairs for Breakfast.
I love sitting down at the dining table, saying grace and eating my supper with my husband and chatting about our days and our plans.
I love having people drop in, and having a gorgeous tea set to serve them tea in and brownies to give them. Please feel free to drop by if you're passing. We really really mean this!!
I love that this is the place where our marriage will continue to grow through its early years.
There are some not so good things too:
Upstairs is a mess, but we tripped to Ikea last night and purchased a bedside unit to match the one we have and a chest of drawers. This will alleviate some mess and I can start finding homes for things. Bedroom then study need sorting.
The kitchen is more annoying than we thought it would. We discovered it has no drawers when we went to put stuff away on Saturday. The work surface area is tiny and the washing machine is in such a place that you can't put powder in the drawer. The cupboard where the fridge fits also has the electric meter and the fuse box in, so it can't go in there.
We had a designer round to quote for a new kitchen last night and there is not much work surface space to be created. However we could create more storage and drawers. The quote was not extortionate. We're going to wait for a while and also get a quote to move the meter and fuses. We may also need to put in a shelf somewhere to locate the toaster and the microwave. Whilst the kitchen is annoying the exciting thing is that it's ours to plan, and change and experiment with.

In other news: I lost 2lb at Weightwatchers this week but check out my sister's blog for her amazing week one weight loss!

H x

Praise Be!

2008-04-04T09:50:00.001+01:00

WE completed before 10 am and are now officially owners of our first home x

Topsy Turvey

2008-04-03T10:14:00.004+01:00

Well all things being equal we are moving on Saturday. We are due to complete tomorrow and we pray that all the money from the various places is at the right place at the right time and we will have our sticky little mitts on the keys to our first home by close of business.
This week has been exhausting. Physically and emotionally.
I am so very glad that I preceded it with a weekend at the Beehive, with good food, friends, chats, books, sleep and meandering. A weekend of real rest.
So since Sunday night we've been packing, and sorting, and binning, and shredding and recycling. The house is a tip. We've free cycled some furniture already so there's a gap where the rug and the coffee table used to be. We've found a home for our old dining table and the sofas in our new house that we don't want.
We've packed up most of the kitchen, including my much loved Emma Bridgewater Tea Set - must have some girlies round for afternoon tea soon!
We've nearly done the sitting room and the spare room.
We've made a dent in the bedroom.
But there is still loads to do.
In amongst all this I have had to have a Scout meeting with people from district, join the new gym, supervise Beavers, give first aid to a Beaver who ran into a wall blindfolded. (This was not part of the evening but risk assessing for Beavers is a very creative process), cook food to stick to my points.
Tonight I am going to my old Weight watchers class - I was at Beavers last night, I am seeing a chiropodist and then I am going to attack my bedroom. I am going to sort out and pack my wardrobes, clear out my make-up (my sister would cringe if she saw how old most of it is!), chuck paperwork and then I am going to collapse into bed.
By Saturday night that bed will be in my new home and I will collapse into it will my husband as we start the next new and exciting bit of our journey.
H x

Easter

2008-03-25T11:09:00.002Z

Well Happy Easter everyone.
For me Easter starts every year at the Maundy Thursday service at Church. I love this service. For me it is my favourite service of the whole year, the one I cannot miss. The Maundy Thursday communion service commemorates the night of the last supper, the washing of feet, the breaking of bread and the sharing of the wine. As I take part in the service, say the liturgy and sing the hymns my breathing slows down, my mind clears and I try to imagine myself in that upper room two thousand years ago. Taking myself back to that night refreshes in my mind what Easter is all about. Instead of skipping forward to the celebration and joy of Easter Sunday I force myself to think about the events leading up to it. Jesus' word in the upper room are full of hope and promise. Going to the Maundy Thursday service sets my footing right for the whole of Easter weekend. Usually we go away, back to Worcester, and Sunday sees us celebrating in a church that is not ours. It doesn't matter, the Good News is worth celebrating wherever we happen to be but there is something about starting off in the familiar pews in South Croydon, taking the bread and drinking the wine and calling to mind the disciples doing the same that grounds me and anchors me.
This year I went to the prayer room twice after the service. Once late at night and once early on Good Friday.
I spent time reading the Gospels' accounts of the last supper, and of Jesus' betrayal. I allowed myself to be wowed, and challenged.
As I drove to the prayer room early on Friday morning, before the sun was up again, I felt tired, and considered turning back (I knew there was someone else signed up) but as I turned the corner I saw the moon, bright and full. I took it as a gentle reminder from God that he was the way and the light, and I thanked Him.
Easter weekend was quite hectic. Driving to Worcester, then to South Wales to see family Capper, seeing Milla and Chris in their new house, walking 8 miles in training with my sister in the sleet and rain, meeting Alice's boyfriend. There weren't many moments of quiet calm and reflection. I am glad I stopped on Thursday and really pondered the Easter message, it has renewed my hope and given me purpose again. H x

Room for Prayer

2008-03-20T09:13:00.003Z

My alarm went off at 4.40 am this morning and as James and I grunted at each other and pulled on the nearest clothes I found myself asking why on earth I had signed up for a 5am prayer slot in Emmanuel's 24-7 Prayer Room.
If you go back through my blog archives you will remember that I set up a prayer room in July 2006. At Christmas Dan got excited about Prayer and ran a room for 24 hours praying into the New Year. It was great. It was like a little seed had been planted and when Dan started working for church it started to grow. Well it's growing still and on Sunday evening Emmanuel started a week of prayer 24-7. Right through the night. Person to person. An unbroken chain. God had already spoken and as we kicked off every single slot was filled.
I went to the launch. We prayed and sang and invited God in, not that He needed inviting as He reminded us "This is my territory."The room was buzzing.
However none of this excitement encouraged me as we set off, in the darkness, to pray.
James came too, he hadn't signed up for a slot and was quite grumpy about me removing him for bed before 5am.
After having the room handed over in prayer we sat for a while together in prayer. We prayed about our weaknesses, and our shortcomings, our hopes. We thanked God and we said sorry to God. WE prayed St. Patrick's Breastplate together and then spent some time apart. I am quite often tempted to rush around in a prayer room, reading the walls, trying things out and not actually stopping to talk to God. This time I paused, sat in front of the wailing wall, and waited. I was honest, which is tough before the One who knows you inside out. I told God that I wanted to do more for Him but it's quite scary. I asked for His help.
Then I spent some time praying for Croydon, and Emmanuel and our Parish. FOr a community, for our church to be a heart and a furnace. A place of love and hope.
And then I prayed for my friends, family and colleagues. The ones who don't know Jesus yet. That was really hard. I was confronted by a mixture of emotions, anger, frustration, regret, despair, longing, confusion and sadness. There was also Hope and the message that it is God ultimately who brings people to Himself. He stands at the door and knocks, not me. He is the one who heals, and comforts, who loves and gives with abundant Grace. And me, I am called to pray, to fall on my knees, to intercede and most of all to live and love with my eyes on Jesus.
As james and I grabbed another half an hour in bed, I realised why I had signed up. To talk to God in the early morning light, before the day has got in the way, is a privaledge. James thanked me for encouraging him to get up and come with me, he was glad he came and I'm glad he did too.
As I made my way to work, a strong and peaceful smile spread over me. "I am not of this world" was the message in my head. Now to live a life worthy of that.
H x

Weigh In

2008-03-19T22:00:00.003Z

Well I finally have a net loss. I recorded a 2.5 lb loss on the WW scales this week. Hooray. It's feeling normal again and I am motivated to do my best this weekend.

Alice and I are even going walking together on Sunday, witih Daddy's lunch as the motviation to keep us going!

Have had the ming the last few days, feeling really lethargic, headachy and sore throat. I gave in this morning, rang in sick and slept until noon. I am much recovered and restored, sleep is amazing.

Our House

2008-03-14T15:40:00.003Z

This is our house.

We exchanged at 10.55 am and will complete in three weeks.
This is our first home.
I am so excited.
I can't wait to put our pictures up, to move our stuff in, to fling open the door and invite people in.
I can't wait to get in the kitchen, to bake and cook, and entertain people.

Praise God for all his help in getting this house. His hand has been on it the whole time and whilst we have wavered and panicked He has been strong.
I pray that we can use it as a blessing, to us, our marriage, our families, friends and community.

So when are you coming to visit? Hannah xx

Start Again

2008-03-13T15:22:00.003Z

Weightwatchers.

Last week I put on a pound. I didn't know why but it might have been because I wasn't eating enough.

This week I put on half a pound. This was because I had a fab weekend.

I am back where I started.

I am starting again.

Minigoal: 12 st 3 lb by May 5th

The Great Escape

2008-03-11T09:18:00.002Z

Last weekend James and I ran away! Ages ago, before Christmas we looked in our diaries and realised we needed to book a weekend away. Weekends get sucked up into life and before you know it it's Monday morning again. We are very good at giving our time to our friends, our church, our Scouts and very good at forgetting to give time to us.
So we booked the intriguingly named Windsor Room here: The Pearl Fisher in Whitstable and on Friday evening James picked me up from the station and we went on our adventure.
It was so lovely. We went out for dinner in a sweet little bistro, drank good wine, ate too much food and slept in until after nine. The breakfasts were superb. On Saturday morning James and I both had smoked salmon and scrambled eggs, which was cooked fresh at a time of our choosing and was placed in front of us with heart shaped toast after scrumptious cereal and fruit.
Saturday we mooched -round the harbour, and the little boutique shops. We ate seafood, and had tea and Lemon Curd cake overlooking the beach. We chatted, and walked. James skimmed stones. We had oysters. We watched the rugby :-(
We read the weekend papers on Saturday and Sunday :-)
On Sunday morning, instead of returning straight home we took a drive to the tip of Kent and spent an hour or so in Broadstairs, on the beach and promenade, and NOT playing crazy golf!
It was a lovely weekend and much needed us time. I love my husband and running away with him is so much fun. H x

Come and join my Flora London Marathon Cheering Squad

2008-03-05T12:30:00.003Z

When: Sunday April 13th 2008
Where: Mile 17 - Mudchute DLR Station. Easy access from central London
Why: Because I am volunteering for Leukaemia CARE and I need your help.

At 8am on April 13th I will be staking out a spot on the Marathon Course to cheer on (primarily) Leukaemia CARE's 200 or so runners. I will be joined throughout the duration by friends and family members. It would be WONDERFUL if someone could join me at 8am to help me gain a space and keep me company for a few hours. If not then anytime from 10.30 am until about 2.30 pm. For as long or as short as you can do.

We'll have flags, and rattles, baloons and banners. I'll have a cool box full of snacks, and there are some pubs nearby so we might even manage a swift half!

Come and soak up the marathon atmosphere, cheer on the runners (I bet you know someone who is running), spot celebrities, and take bets on whether Paula Radcliffe stops for another wee! What a great way to spend a few hours on a sunny Sunday in April - and all for a great cause.

Email me on huggyhannah@hotmail.com if you can make it. I look forward to seeing you and thank you in advance.

Week One

2008-02-28T08:44:00.002Z

Well after my first week back on Weight Watchers I am pleased to report a 1.5 lb loss. I feel good and back in control of my eating and not the other way around.
I am enjoying planning menus and eating good home cooked food.
So 7.5lb in 3 weeks. Hmmmmm.
I have had a slight downer this week though. I went to give blood on Tuesday night. I haven't given blood for 18 months due to sheer laziness and I was all ready to go. I feel healthy, hadn't taken any medication etc etc so it came to my finger prick test.
A drop of blood is supposed to sink in 15 seconds in the magic solution if it's Iron content is high enough. Mine sank in over 30. Not good. So the lovely nurse took blood out of my arm and put it on a machine that reads your Iron level. 120. Apparently between 120 and 140 is a good range for women, but to donate blood it had to be 125.
So I left, with a full arm of blood, feeling dejected and bought some vitamins the next day.
I now have to wait 4 months.
Man that's annoying!
H x

Wednesday: Weight Watchers and Weird Films

2008-02-21T12:10:00.003Z

Well I went back. A week later than planned but I got there. It was a new meeting to me, in a new place and on a new day. I was nervous. Being a re-joiner is odd. It's a good thing because I've realised I need to stop my slide up the scales but not so good that I let it happen in the first place. Anyway I needn't have worried too much, the leader is Sarah, who was leading my Warlingham meeting when I got to goal! As I queued to pay (yes I have to that again) Sarah saw me, and came over to say hi. It was so nice to be welcomed. Anyway. I am 9lb over my goal weight and I have 4 weeks to get back to it to obtain that star! The heat is on......

After staying to the meeting I was really motivated and went home to a yummy meal of Tacos, to start date night. This week is Cubs half term so we took advantage of Orange Wednesdays and went to the Cinema. Now James and I are not film buffs, but the cinema is always fun.

Or at least confusing. We went to see 'No Country for Old Men.' Other people had told us this film should be seen and it is Oscar nominated. It was odd, and uncomfortable. I think it was a good film. I certainly didn't get bored. You can go and read plot synopses and reviews elsewhere so I won't go into it. I am not sure I understood it, although perhaps I wasn't supposed to. It's the sort of film I think I need to discuss over a pint! James didn't get it either. But despite all this I think I am glad I saw it, although I don't think I liked it!

Hannah

Worship

2008-02-19T10:09:00.005Z

MY TROUBLED SOUL, why so weighed down?

You were not made to bear this heavy load.

Cast all Your burdens upon the Lord;

Jesus cares, He cares for you.

And all your worrying Won’t help you make it through.

Cast all your burdens upon the Lord.

And trust again in the promise of His love.

I will praise the mighty name of Jesus,

Praise the Lord, the lifter of my head.

Praise the Rock of my salvation,

All my days are in His faithful hands.

My anxious heart, why so upset?

When trials come, how you so easily forget

To cast your burdens upon the Lord;

Jesus cares, He cares for you.

Dan preached on A Worshipping Life on Sunday night. And we sang this song at the end of the service. And as we sang the Holy Spirit reminded me once again that its not about me, it's all about Him, and it gets better: Every single one of my days are in God's hands, good, bad, ugly, fun, difficult, grey, sunny, sad and happy. He's got them. Everyone. Hooray!

I love the image of God being the lifter of my head, just gently drawing my vision and my sight line from my feet scuffing along the floor to a wider view where the sun pours in and the wonder of creation astounds me once again.

It was the Alpha Holy Spirit Day on Saturday, which I joined for the morning. The Holy Spirit is something I find confusing so it was good to explore some things about it. It was a shame to miss the afternoon but I had a prior date with some Warriors. I was thinking especially about fruits and gifts of the Spirit, exploring a bit more about Hospitality. Every time I pray about hospitality I get a picture of my new house. Be interesting to see how that pans out. I have also been thinking about being filled with the Holy Spirit and how the Spirit works in people. On Sunday evening I asked the Holy Spirit to help me Worship, to dedicate my life to God again, to help me reflect God's worth in my day to day life. It's a tough one, but at Alpha last night and this morning in our Bible reading I have had answers, along with more to think about. I am enjoying how Alpha is refreshing my faith, and God as always is holding my hand, lifting my head and helping me along the way. H x

Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T15:04:00.003Z

I don't do Valentine's Day but I do do Chocolate Fudge Cake.
James I love you.
Hannah x

Re-Start

2008-02-13T11:20:00.002Z

This evening I am re-starting WeightWatchers. There are a couple of reasons:

My jeans are tight. They are also falling apart. I don't want to buy a new pair in a bigger size. When I was Weightwatching last time I promised myself I would never own a pair of FAT jeans again.

I know I weigh over my goal weight. I got to goal on 15th March last year. If I am at goal or below on 15th March this year then I get a little star to add to my keyring. If I missed out due to sheer lazines I would hate myself.

I want to look good in a bikini this summer. I don't love my body right now, but I know why and only I have the power to change this. So I am going to.

Moonwalking will be easier if there is less of me to carry! I found that as I lost weight running became easier. I am using the same theory for walking.

I have tried to follow Weight Watchers without going to meetings but I am the queen of lying to myself. I need to go to meetings for a while, set myself a new goal and just do it.

and if one person says 'Don't be silly you don't need to lose any more weight.' I am going to smile, say thank you and then ignore them.

Hannah

New Blog

2008-02-07T14:26:00.001Z

http://moonwalkingsisters.blogspot.com/

It's in addition to this one. Check it out x

Lent Promises

2008-02-05T15:18:00.000Z

Today is shrove Tuesday, or pancake day!
"The reason that pancakes are associated with the day preceding Lent is that the 40 days of Lent form a period of liturgical fasting, during which only the plainest foodstuffs may be eaten. Therefore, rich ingredients such as eggs, milk, and sugar are disposed of immediately prior to the commencement of the fast. Pancakes and doughnuts were therefore an efficient way of using up these perishable goods, besides providing a minor celebratory feast prior to the fast itself."
This year I am using Lent as a re-start and re-fresh. I am making three promises:
1. I am not going to eat Chocolate. Since before Christmas my weight has been creeping back on. This scares me and I need a big kick up the bottom and to restart Weight Watchers with a commitment. Chocolate is an occasional treat that has been becoming a lot less occasional. I don't need it. I am going to stop eating it until Easter
2. I am not going to eat Biscuits. They are my downfall. I am incapable of having just one. They give me short term pleasure and long term displeasure. I am not going to eat any until Easter.
3. I am giving up Facebook. I once again have an unhealthy relationship with it. I use it at work and at home. I spend far too long on it and check it over and over again. It is boredom driven. I have tried telling myself not to but my resolve has been poor. When I was skiing I had no desire to check Facebook. This shows me that I can live well without it. I am going to deactivate my account and when Easter comes I will think about logging back on.

So what am I going to do instead. Well whenever I want to eat chocolate or biscuits I am going to drink water. I am going to find a skinny picture of me and focus on it. I might also put the Moonwalk logo on my noticeboard too as a reminder that it will be easier to walk 26.2 miles if there is less of me to carry! Whenever I want to log into Facebook I am going to pray. I am going to refocus on God and his plan for me.

And throughout Lent I'll be blogging. So stay in touch? Hannah x

What am I supposed to do?

2008-02-04T12:47:00.000Z

I went away to Carroty Wood this weekend, cooking with James, for Connexions youth group. 6 meals for thirty four people in the space of 43 hours. A challenge but not an impossible one. I am lighter in spirit than I was this time last year, and think that is as a result of a closer and more honest walk with God and with my husband.

I spent alot of time thinking about what God wants me to do. Not for a job, but what my gifts are, and how I should be showing His love.

This was partly borne out of the cooking! I enjoy cooking for people, and caring for people, making tea, and baking cakes. At the weekend I was glad that me cooking meant that everyone ate well, and that the other leaders had time to lead, and talk and take part. The more people said thank you, the more I thought about hospitality as a gift, and whether it is mine.

My thinking was extended by the very exciting news that James and I have had an offer accepted on a house. Yes we are about to buy our first home, as long as everything goes smoothly. It's lovely, and I will tell you more about it once we have exchanged contracts and I can call it 'Our New Home.' So I got to thinking about how I would like our home to be a place where people feel welcome, feel they can ring the bell and come in and have a cup of tea anytime without having to make a date to do so. I want our new home to be a place where our marriage grows, and strengthens, and where God can grow in us and strengthen us. Where people come for food regularly, and don't stand on ceremony but eat well, drink well and relax. I want it to be a home of love, between me and my husband, and between us and our community.

I am sure that God's hand is on this house already, after all he found it for us just at the right time, and He will see it through. As long as we let Him his hand will remain there and His love will grow there, and I will learn how to show it in the best way.

Hannah x

Date Night

2008-02-01T14:38:00.000Z

Once a week James and I try to have an evening or a weekend afternoon to ourselves. Us time, marriage time or date night. They all mean the same thing. Sometimes we go to the pub, for a walk, for dinner, to an exhibition. Sometimes we stay in for a meal. Last night we went to the cinema.
We went to see St. Trinians, shockingly this was also James' choice! The cinema was empty, which takes away a bit from the shard experience atmosphere but does mean you get to pick you seats, and reduces the chance of a chatting, chopping or rustling neighbour.
The film was fun and frivolous, which was perfect for the mood I was in. I did find myself with my face screwed up for the first ten minutes, no doubt sub consciously replaying some of my worst school days. I liked some of the more subtle jokes: "I think Mr Darcy likes you", as the dog humps Colin Firth's leg! and when Kelly introduces Annabella to one of the groups as Goths: "We're not goth, we're emo" Rupert Everett was perfect as Carnaby and Camilla Fritton. My favourite scene was the Trafalgar Square scene with the whole school walking up the steps to the national gallery. Big Ben in the background stood at 7 O'Clock, and I found myself wondering what it would have been like to be in Trafalgar Square that summer morning!
Go and see it if you want and easy film with some laughs and a mixture of new and old faces. Oh and the delicious Russell Brand.
Watching it gave me an idea. I am going to a lookalike party soon, what do you reckon to me going as Head Girl Kelly? (have a look at the picture)
H x

Skiing the Milky Way

2008-01-30T08:48:00.000Z

I spent last week closer to God - literally and metaphorically! Skiing is the time I feel most close to God. I love the Mountains. I love their beauty, their power, their strength and their peacefulness.

There were several moments when the sun hit my face, or I turned my head and was struck by the power of the God I worship. It was refreshing to have time to thank Him, to take a deep breath and inhale the cold clean air. To feel myself alive in creation.

I had a great time. After playing Mum trying to get six adults to Gatwick for 3.45 am and onto a flight, I relaxed almost instantly. We arrived in resort at noon giving us half a day to get kit, passes and generally chill out. One large pizza and a cold glass of beer outside in the winter sun later and my mission was accomplished.

The skiing was good. After a break of three years I remembered how to do it, after falling on my very first run. The highlight of my week was doing the 2006 Olympic Women's Downhill course - without the gates and significantly slower than the two minutes it takes the pros. Another great bit was shunning the package company's trip to France, chartering a taxi from our hotel owner, driving to Montgenevre and skiing back to Italy and our Hotel in Sauze D'Oulx (note to self the long wiggly runs on the piste maps are paths and should be avoided for the sake of sanity and my knees). The Milky Way is a lovely ski area, and even in a week with little new snow we did not struggle to ski different and challenging runs. The area has benefited from the Olympics and facilities are good. Unfortunately 95 Euros was too much for 60 seconds on the Bobsleigh run, and I'm not sure my ample behind would have made it out of the sled!

Sadly this is the last time I am going to ski out of school holidays with the luxury of wide open empty runs like the one in Sestriere above. However I am sure that I will ski again with friends and maybe my own little family. It is a joy I don't want to miss out on. H x

Happy Birthday

2008-01-15T11:52:00.000Z

Today is my 28th Birthday. I think I like being 28 already. I feel secure. And loved. That counts for alot.

James had to get up early this morning. So he set his alarm for midnight.

When it buzzed after merely an hours sleep I was confused. He leant over and kissed me, "I wanted to be the first to wish you Happy Birthday," he said.

This evening we are going to Brady's in Wandsworth for Fish and Chips! How chic!

Its a low key one this year but I like it! And on Sunday...........we're going Skiing! H x

Growing Up and the problems of patience

2008-01-11T11:20:00.000Z

It's my birthday on Tuesday and I will be 28. Now I'm not someone to count sleeps to my birthday and I prefer it all to be a bit of a non event. This year I am having a gathering not, note, a party. It is a joint gathering - there are two other women at church whose birthdays are on Wednesday. We're having cake and curry. I liked the alliteration! I am also looking forward to cooking on Saturday!

I was having a conversation with James the other day about age. I get quite sensitive about my age, for the three weeks between Christmas and New Year and then it doesn't matter again. I was saying that I don't feel mentally older than I did say three of five years ago, or physically older. However circumstances around me indicate that I am infact ageing! I am married, I am looking to buy a house, I have made a major career change decision. I like cooking, and baking, I own a cat, and a car.

I think I like it this way. Not feeling older but getting to do all the above things with confidence. So on Tuesday to celebrate James and I are goign out for dinner, just the two of us. Nice food, good bottle of wine. Bliss.

The one contra-indicator to my ageing is my lack of patience. I think it is God making me learn, but still I am not so good at it. As you know James and I are house hunting. We have been for a while now. We haven't found the right thing at the right price and have found ourselves a bit stuck. Our budget will allow us a lovely one bed flat but only a handful of pokey bigger propertied. Studying for a PGCE is going to mean I need somewhere to study that isn't the sitting room or the bedroom. Which leaves us looking for a bigger property that we can't afford. I am getting impatient that we can't find anywhere.

There is a ray of hope. James is a key worker. This means that there are various governement assistance programmes available to him (and me.) We only really looked into this in December. The option we are looking at now is called Open Market Home Buy. This is essentially a way of bowwing money from the governement and a lender at no cost for five years, it makes up 25% of the purchse price. If we are eligible and accepted it would push our purchase price up into that two bed category. We were accepted onto the Key Worker scheme in mid December. To get on to OMHB we had to attend a presentation, which was last night. I really wanted that to be the palce we would find out how much we could have. But no. We have to go and see a financial person. On Thursday evening. In Cheam. Which means that it will be another week before we know whether we can look for a more expensive house. I want a house now, and feel like screaming and stamping my feet till I get one.

But that's not very grown up. H x

Walk the Walk

2008-01-09T15:18:00.000Z

Well I have a challenge to keep me occupied until the end of May! It's Alice's fault. After we ran the Hydro Active in September she started looking for a new challenge. She started badgering me by email, and I kept ignoring her. Eventually she wore me down. I filled out the application form for the event and sent it off.
And thought noting of it.
Then started to think I hadn't got a place. Oh Well.
Then in late December as the Christmas pounds piled on and I forgot my way to the gym it came.
An innocent white envelope with a letter starting with CONGRATULATIONS.
The adrenalin shot through me, and then the smile beamed across my face.
Alice and I have confirmed places on the 2008 Playtex Moonwalk on 17th May 2008.
For a detailed description of what we have signed up to look at this website but basically we are power walking a marathon - that's 26.2 miles for those of you unsure about these things, overnight, round London, in a bra (one each of course ;-))
We are raising money for Walk the Walk - a Breast Cancer Charity. So we'll set up a just giving site, don our trainers and get walking. Will you support us?
Hannah x

Dawn

2008-01-03T13:47:00.000Z

I feel under pressure to write something witty or profound here in my first BLOG of the year. But the truth is that the year has started quietly, in the same manner that the last one ended and for that I am grateful.

I had a quiet Christmas. I watched some Rugby, I went for walks, I ate well with friends and family, I drank well.

I went to church at Midnight on Christmas Eve. Not my church in Croydon but St. John's Parish Church in Worcester. It was odd. It was wet outside, and quiet inside. Rose and Brendan were there which was lovely. I hope they enjoyed it. James and I have decided to go to Christmas Morning services from now on.

I went on a date with my husband cos everyone was poorly. It was fun - going out for dinner and then a pint in the town where I grew up and had all my teenage angst. It made me feel all fuzzy to sit with my soulmate snuggled up in the corner of my favourite pub with a pint of real beer.

I was overwhelmed with generous gifts. Thank you one and all.

I approached New Year differently this year.

I don't like New Year's Eve. I get edgy all day and quite down in the dumps. I find it hard to stand on the cusp of two years. It's odd, like i feel it should be a good time to reflect and look back and look forward but everyone around me is just getting drunk.

So anyway this year I did it differently. My church has a prayer and praise party from 11pm until just after 12 midnight. It was good. Before hand we played games at The Smiths (Rach was a legend with the food) and them meandered over to church. It was calm and peaceful. I sang, I thought, I prayed, I reflected. I was with my husband, and my friends, and God. Most importantly God.

I am standing at the start of a year of huge huge change. For us both. Me and James. It feels God driven but its very very unknown. I need to hold onto God. I need him to go before me and stand behind me. I need to acknowledge His influence in my life, his protection over me, His plan and His grace. There are tough times ahead but I am excited.

2008 started quietly, standing with my husband's arms around me, in the presence of our God, knowing that whatever this year brings we will face it together. All three of us.

Hannah x

The Light

2007-12-21T11:53:00.000Z

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned." Isaiah 9: 2.

The darkness is scary, and disorientating, and uneasy, and unknown. There are shadows lurking, and seeing is harder. I don't like the dark. It makes things difficult.

Walking in the light means I can see my way. Danger is more easily avoided and things are clearer. I feel safer and more secure.

This passage, and verses 6 and 7 were the ones I read on Sunday night. I love the promises Isaiah made years and years before a young girl called Mary gave birth to a Saviour in a stable in Bethlehem. I am feeling very reflective this Christmas. James and I have bought Doug, his brother a Bible for Christmas (him reading this is about as likely as Pigs Flying). As I wrapped it I thought about how he might feel on Christmas Day when he opens it. Sitting with its heavy leather cover smooth in my hands and the fresh clean unread pages ready to reveal the most exciting story in history I thought about how it could be a book that sits on his shelf or a book that really changes his life. We prayed that he'll understand why we've given him this and in the dedication we have written these lines, adapted from Psalm 119: "May it be a lamp to your feet and a light to your path."

I am starting an Alpha Course in January, at church, and I've invited Doug along. He's said yes so please pray that he'll come good on this promise. I have never done Alpha before and I've decided that now is the right time. I have become a bit disillusioned with my home group. It is NOTHING to do with the people, and everything to do with me and the way I approach it. I have stopped engaging in it and have been going through the motions. Alpha is a way for me to reconnect, and because it takes place on the same day as home group I've had to choose! To look at the basics. To consider the lynch pins and foundations of my faith. To ask myself the questions like 'Why Jesus?' and get excited all over again. I hope that I'll meet Jesus again and we'll go for a drink. Like good friends who need to have a catch up. I hope that Doug will meet Jesus too, but that's for him and God to decide. All I can do is pray, and be open to God, and come out further into the light.

My wish would be that many more people would see a great light this Christmas, would ask Why Jesus?, Why Christmas? I wish that people would take steps towards the light, that through God's Grace would accept their free gift of eternal life and at the same time get the best Christmas Present ever.

Whatever you are doing may it be a Happy Christmas.

Hannah xx

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2007-12-18T15:24:00.000Z

Have a look at this.

Advent

2007-12-14T16:04:00.000Z

From the Latin word adventus, meaning "coming", the period of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of the Birth of Christ.
At the start of each Advent I am full of commitment and good ideas to get back to God in time for Christmas. Usually by the first weekend I've failed.
This year I started advent at Christchurch London at the Piccadilly Theatre in London, with Kate P who I used to play rugby with at uni. It is a different type of church than I usually go to. I don't agree with all of their teachings and disagreed with some of their practices and baptisms (it was a baptism service.) Anyway the service was nothing to do with Advent. The sermon was entitled 'I am the resurrection and the life.' Starting Advent at the end, or maybe the beginning!
Anyway being in a different church made me think critically about my relationship with God. And I decided it sucked. And I needed to change.
So I downloaded the Evangelical Alliance Advent prayer guide. They look at the metaphors for Jesus used in John's gospel. James and I have changed our morning routine. Instead of lounging in bed having brekkie we get up and get ready. About half and hour before we need to leave we sit in the sitting room with our Breakfast and our bibles. This time has revolutionised my bible reading and my approach to the day. James and I have been struggling to find a good time to read the Bible together, and this seems to work. I also feel like I can approach God with more confidence and understanding. I want to read my bible, and this morning I read the start of each Gospel to see how they each introduce Jesus to the reader.
On Sunday evening it is the Candle-lit Carol Service at church. I am reading. I am SO excited.
Christmas is on its way and and as a very darling person wrote in a note to me today:
" Everyone should feel Christmassy because it's a wonderful time of year not just because it's Christmas but because we're celebrating the BIRTH of JESUS and that's quite cool."
It certainly is. Enjoy it.
Hannah x
p.s. Check this out too. It'll make you think paperless Christmas

A change of direction

2007-11-30T13:17:00.000Z

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29: 11

On Wednesday I had my interview for Wandsworth SCITT. This is a small course of 23 places for General Primary and 12 for Early Years.

In September 2008 I will be one of those 23 trainee teachers!

I went to the pub on Sunday evening with Rach and Em and talked to them about my interview. They were really helpful and it was good to feel like I knew what I was talking about. They gave me plenty of pointers and their opinions. They are both angels.

My interview was great! The maths test was a bit dodgy but the English exercise was fine. We had to do a group discussion, which was fine. I am a facilitator by nature but I made sure that I said something and a conversation sparked from there. My one to one interview was with the Course Director and the headteacher of one of the consortium schools in Balham. A range of questions including 'Why do you want to teach?' and 'What are the challenged and opportunities of teaching in Inner London?' (Answer: I don't think challenges are always negative!...) Anyway at the end of the interview the headteacher said 'I don't know if I'm allowed to say this but I thoroughly enjoyed this interview and I would love to have you in my school!' The Course director nodded and smiled. The great thing about this course is that they let you know by the end of the day.

By 3.30 pm I received a call offering me a place. The director said that I was well prepared and confident and all in all I was an exceptional young woman! Nice!

God - Thank You! This feels so right! Hannah x

Thank You God

2007-11-21T09:23:00.000Z

God has been really evident in some happenings over the last few days, and I am thankful for this.

I don't really want to say much more right now, other than I am calmer and more relaxed than I have been for a while.

Trying to prepare for my PGCE interview next Wednesday morning. Please pray that I would know God's will on this one, and that I would do my best.

H x

oh what a beautiful morning

2007-11-15T11:41:00.000Z

Having read the instruction book and fixed the heating on Tuesday evening, after over 24 hours with no heat, waking up and venturing out of bed hasn't been too traumatic.

This morning was parky, and bleary eyed, after a poor night's sleep, I headed for the kitchen to make breakfast. The view outside was wonderful. The frozen white grass was covered in golden fallen leaves, set hard by the frost. The sun was shining and the sky was blue. It was beautiful.

An hour later wrapped up warm, with hat, gloves and scarf, James and I headed out to work. James had site visits to do and needed the car. Our little blue Peugeot was a shimmery white! Now I have to admit I have a child like glee in defrosting the car. It was something I used to help my Dad do when I was little! I don't know why, but this morning I was glad of the can of deicer that I am sure I renounced as 'Stupid to have in the car, this time of year' in July but never got round to removing.

As I kissed James goodbye at South Croydon station I bumped into Dan, a church friend and our new worship and music coordinator. It was great to chat to him. His passion for what he does, and his desire to run with God's plan is evident. It almost flashes in his eyes, and its exciting.

Praying on the bus from Clapham - wonderful sights over the common - I realised that I am sitting well within my comfort zone with God right now. Dipping my feet in the water but not getting too wet. My conversation with Dan made me uncomfortable, in a good way! He made me realise how lazy with and about God I have become and how things might be stirring for a change.

Hannah x

ALERT

2007-11-08T13:59:00.000Z

Two very odd and scary things have happened

1. I have an interview at Wandsworth SCITT for thier PGCE on 28th Novemeber. Oh my goodness.

2. James and I are flat hunting and we've found a maybe

I feel totally overwhelmed on all counts.

Help! Hannah

Rest a Little

2007-10-22T13:06:00.000+01:00

James looked at me on Friday night and said "Hannah you need a rest." Sadly that real rest won't come until Christmas.
It's true I do. Scouts is taking over my life in a really unhealthy way. There are chinks of light and I have a plan formulated in my head of how I am going to sort our leadership and then step back.
Please pray that God is with me on this and he will raise people up for positions and soften hearts and minds to what I am trying to do.
Thanks.

Potentially Life Changing

2007-10-18T10:36:00.000+01:00

This week I took a step towards changing my life as I applied to study a PGCE in Primary Education. I have been prayerfully considering my future since June. One evening James and I sat down and went through all the things that my ideal job would have, and not have.
In September we had a 'quiet day' when we went to Ashdown Forest with a picnic, our bibles and our walking boots and spent the morning reading and praying and considering. I kept asking God what I should do. I am not sure he gave me an answer but I felt he was assuring me with the words 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' I meditated over a psalm and felt that God was saying that I should try things out.
Teaching is a bit of a curve ball if I'm honest. All the people who I know who are teachers have always wanted to do it. At the moment I am fairly clear that I want to specialise in teaching children with special educational needs, and specifically autism. So I guess in that sense it's not so much of a curve ball, just a wonky path!
So I spent a week in a primary school, needing experience in order to apply. I was apprehensive but actually it was a great week where I realised that I could teach, even mainstream. I learnt about classroom structure and timetabling, about classroom assistants and differing abilities.
So I applied this week, after trying to convey why I want to teach, and how I am qualified to do a training course, in 47 lines. I can only apply to two institutions at this time so that's what I have done. Now its a waiting game. So I'll wait. And see.
H x

I had a dream

2007-10-14T14:30:00.000+01:00

I had a dream last night that the England Rugby team played France in Paris in the semi-final of the world cup. I dreamt that we scored a try in the first three minutes. I dreamt that it was a tough game, where France had all the possession and none of the points. I dreamt that England were trailing by a point for most of the game. I dreamt that Andy Gommersal got shoulder charged by the touch judge, and Chabal hurt Johnny. I dreamt that the French gave away a penalty with minutes to go. I dreamt that Johnny converted it, and then a few minutes later scored a drop goal. I dreamt that Laurence Dalliglio tried to throw away England's lead my giving away a handling in the ruck penalty to France. I dreamt that despite a final onslaught England won!

and I woke up this morning
and it was true!
England in the World Cup Final 2007 - who'd have thought it?!

The Rugby World Cup: Tales of the Unexpected!

2007-10-10T12:19:00.000+01:00

I am a cynic. When this world cup started in September I had images of England crashing out in the group stages. Being an England Rugby fan over the last, well four years actually, hasn't been great fun. Ever since Johnny kicked THAT drop goal that sent every England Rugby fan into an early morning beer induced delirium its been quite an ordeal wearing the red rose. To be honest I've not paid that much attention. Other than to grumble about how much the RFU paid for Andy Farrell in March 2005 and how completely useless he has been ever since. When he scored against Tonga my sister and I agreed that it was about time he started earning his keep. He didn't score his first union try until September 2006.

Anyway I digress.

England's poor start in the World Cup, the lack lustre display against USA, the frankly awful game against South Africa - how the world champions could leave the pitch with no points astounded me. The game against Tonga was better. England looked like they wanted to play rugby. So job done into the Quarters. Against Australia.

I ignored the press, voiced my doubts and went to Balham to watch. Even as the anthems started I predicted a loss for the men in white.

What a game! England looked liked they had finally got the memo that they were the World Champions. They played a good game. However when Australia scored their first try I thought it was all over. I dared to dream when England took the lead, and stayed nervously glued to the TV. I shouted like they could hear me all those miles away in Marseilles.

When the final whistle blew it was like we had won the world cup four years ago! The truth is that England still have a mountain to climb but a victory, over the sour Australians. It wouldn't be so good beating them is they could just win or lose in a Sporting manner. For example Even before a ball was kicked, Aussies had been shown an advert which featured Johnny Wilkinson’s World Cup winning drop goal and the words “revenge is sweet” plastered all over it.

Well Australia, as you famously said to the Kiwis in 2003 'Four more years boys, four more years.'

As for England, well I don't know. France in Paris on Saturday night. Tough, but whatever the result I'll be wearing my England shirt with pride - every England player, even Andy Gommersal and Andy Farrell, have given me something to smile about.

H x

(photo is from Reuters)

Very Proud

2007-09-17T12:12:00.000+01:00

Yesterday Alice and I ran the Hydro Active Women's Challenge, a 5km run in Hyde Park, to raise money for Leukaemia CARE. Neither of us are athletic really. I had a slight advantage in that I had run it last year. We went for a run together when I was back in Worcester over Bank Holiday. It wasn't too great.
We talked about it and decided that we would start together, we would run the first kilometer together and then when Alice felt the need to walk she would let me know and I would carry on.
We stood for ages at the start, in a really chilly breeze. There were lots of people with Balloons which we tried to dodge. We saw some other Leukaemia CARE runners and said hi, or gave them the thumbs up.
Linda Robson started the race and waved to everyone as they crossed the start line. As we ran gently along the first bit all we could see were hundreds of women in different colours in front of us. Reading some people's backs, with the reason they were running brought tears to my eyes. As we passed the first km post I gave Alice the thumbs up. We were doing OK. AT about 1.5 km Alice indicated that I should run on. AS I passed the 2 and 3km I was doing OK. I saw James at Speakers Corner between 3 and 4km which lifted me up and gave me some more motivation. I passed 4km weaving amongst the walkers and then the hill I remember from last year was in front of me. I pushed up the hill remembering that the finish was not far off. I rounded the next bend, saw the finish line in sight and started sprinting. My head was thinking have I gone to early. My legs however were sailing me through. Which was odd! I crossed the line 37 minutes after starting. Only two minutes slower than last year, and not a step walked this time. My dodgy sprained ankle was sore and started to throb, but it had made it. I called James, who had failed to see me pass the finish, to let him know I would collect my finishers' bag and come back round to see Alice come through. BY the time I was on my way James called to say Alice had come though the finish. I waited by the railings and gave her a huge hug. She came through in 45 minutes. A truly remarkable time.
James was an outstanding one man support team, although he has requested a banner next year! He put up with two knackered women hobbling through London in need of feeding. HE carried all our stuff and took pictures. We love him! Thank you Hun.
It was a good day, and even Alice, who hates running was talking about doing it again by the time we reached the pub!
If you want to congratulate us give us 50p or something by going to OUR JUST GIVING SITE
Thanks, Hannah xxx

Fun, food and friends

2007-09-14T15:49:00.001+01:00

Last Saturday comprised entirely of eating, drinking and having fun. After a quick run James and I had homemade pancakes from Nigella Lawson's book, with maple syrup and streaky bacon.
Then we went to Tim and Chan's for a home group Barbecue. It was good to sit in their lovely garden, in the September sunshine, drinking, laughing and catching up. The food was tasty and plentiful and everyone seemed well and relaxed.
Unfortunately we had to make a premature exit to go to Andy and Clare's Stag and Hen doo s. Clare had a girlie afternoon get together at Rachel W's. I was handed a glass of Pimms as I walked through the door! It was nice to be with a group of women, chilling out and celebrating Clare's nuptials. I gave her a Buchanan tartan garter with her and Andy's names embroidered on it. It was supposed to be a bit of fun but it made her cry - in a slightly hormonal emotional bridal way! She got other great gifts including Anthea Turner's Perfect Housewife, many chocolate related things and a feather duster!
After the most divine afternoon tea with pink bubbly I changed and put on my war paint in time to strut into South Croydon (new shoes = strut!) and to Conchita's, for Mexican Mayhem. One jug of white Sangria just didn't seem enough between my and Rachel S so we bought another! Oh well.
A tired, well fed and happy Hannah fell into bed gone midnight.
H x
p.s. The wedding is tomorrow. Pictures to follow...

GIVE ME MONEY

2007-09-14T15:49:00.000+01:00

Please
www.justgiving.com/aliceandhannah

Uncertainty

2007-09-06T10:36:00.000+01:00

I sometimes think it would be nice if there was a machine that you could put your vital information into and it would tell you what job to do, when to train, when to have kids, buy a house etc.

Sadly, or not, such a machine does not exist and we have to stumble through life trying to acertain what to do when, and dealing with the consequences of our actions.

The thing that I struggle with is the waiting. I think I know what I want to do but I have to wait to take this plan forward. I will write more about this when I can. Waiting on this means waiting for other things, like buying a house. And what if what I want to do is wrong. What if I start doing something and its not what I am supposed to do? Can I keep taking wrong turns? I feel like I want to settle down and maybe have a family in the next few years but if I get this decision wrong where will that leave me?

Hannah

Carmen Jones

2007-08-20T16:28:00.000+01:00

I went with James, Lucinda and Kim to see Carmen Jones at the refurbished Royal Festival Hall on Friday night. I booked tickets after a sunny evening on the Southbank created a desire to 'do more London'.

However the weather on Friday was not the balmy summer eve I had been envisaging. Despite this we ate Al Fresco at Giraffe, chatted and enjoyed the general atmosphere of one of London's trendiest areas.

The inside of the Royal Festival Hall is a bit like being in a rich old lady's house! It's smart but has a certain retro charm! We had seats three rows back which gave a rather upward view of some scenes and made us feel a bit intrusive in some of the more intimate ones!

Despite this it was a good performance and I enjoyed it. I am not an Opera fan so it was a rather off kilter move to book tickets for an Opera adaptation. Tsakane Valentine Maswangany played Carmen I was struck by her strength and stage presence despite her tiny frame. I think I could have put my hands round her waist.

She played the female anti hero well, and her sickly sucking up to Joe made my skin crawl. Hearing the orchestra was great and the tunes are well known. There were times when the intonation of the singers let them down and I had to struggle to hear what they were singing.

All in all a great evening in London Town xxx

100 years

2007-08-15T14:12:00.000+01:00

On 8am on August 1st 2007 Scouting celebrated 100 years since Lord Robert Baden Powell blew the Kudoo Horn to open his first experimental Scout Camp for boys on Brownsea Island in Poole Harbour.
At 8am (local time) on August 1st 2007 Scouts around the world joined 28 million members and renewed their promise. I stood alongside my husband, on the seashore in Hamworthy, Poole overlooking Brownsea Island and said the promise which still sends shivers down my spine. After a BBQ brekkie we made our way to Poole Quay to join Scouts and friends making their way across the water to the island. The sun shone and there was a friendly party atmosphere. Brownsea was closed to the public on August 1st and open to One Thousand visitors. Whilst the activities could have been better it was good to spend such a historical day in such an important place.

On August 4th James and I went to the 21st International Jamboree, at Hylands Park in Essex. another gloriously sunny day saw us wondering around enjoying the great atmosphere and sampling food, drink and hospitality from all sorts of countries. We had a beer in Germany, lunch in Finland and afternoon tea in England. We relaxed in Algeria and marvelled at the Swedish Ferris wheel made only from pioneering poles and rope!
We took a tour of the site and saw how 40 000 participants lived, ate, and learnt during the 10 days of camp. It was mind blowing and exhausting.
One of the themes we saw around the site was:
'There are 28 million Scouts in the world. If every Scout changed one thing....'
What a proposition! Seeing young men and women from every continent and almost every nation living working and playing in harmony was truly inspirational. If Scouting can do it why can't the rest of the world watch, learn and follow suit......'

100 days

2007-08-13T13:22:00.000+01:00

James and I have been married for one hundred days today.
I have finally got my rings re sized so that they are not in danger of falling off. Almost all our presents have arrived, and most are in use! We've taken our wonderful family tree - a gift from both our fathers tracing our paternal family lines - in to the framers.
We've had a bit of a house clear out and tidy up and re-arrange.
We are settling into the daily pattern of being Mr and Mrs Gordon. It's great. Once a week we have time set aside for just us. We have used this time to go to a gallery, discover a new country pub, have dates at the cinema and just enjoy an evening at home with a good meal and no TV. I love this special time and when we have missed it I feel our relationship begin to sag. James was initially sceptical about this dedicated time but having given it go he agrees on its value and dates are in his diary!
People ask me whether things have changed since we got married, do I feel any different? The answer is perhaps a surprising yes. I feel grounded, anchored by the love of my soul mate. I feel calmer, like I have stepped into the shelter of someone who will always be there for me. I feel like James and I are a team, working together and for each other.
We are facing some big decisions about the future for both of us that would lead to potential career changes and financial pressures. As part of our decision making we are spending Sunday away from home, with our Bibles, talking to God and waiting on Him. I am looking forward to retreating for a short time, but then being able to talk things through with my husband.
Last night, as part of my new Bible reading plan - God's Story in 9 months (courtesy of Carla Harding) I read Genesis 1 & 2 aloud to James. We've decided to work through it together, taking it in turns to read to each other each night. I'm excited that I am going to journey through God's Story and even more excited that I have a travelling companion.
H x

Facebook

2007-08-10T15:43:00.000+01:00

I have just de-activated my Facebook account. It's temporary but it needed doing. I am going Cold Turkey on it, a bit like giving up smoking the hard way.

There are lots of things I like about Facebook. There are lots of things I don't like about Facebook. I don't like how becoming 'friends' with someone is as easy as clicking the mouse. And then continuing to ignore them. Real friendship is hard work. There are ups and downs and hugs and laughs and tears.

In the flush of new Facebook love I 'became friends' with a lot of people who I had been at school with. I have arranged to meet up with one and I am looking forard to this, although I am nervous. We were at primary school together t0o! Like some cyber voyeur I looked at their profiles, where they are living now, their relationship status' and their photos. As I peered into their lives I was transported back ten years and the feelings of jealousy and competition grew. I didn't like that many people at school. The girl who had been my best friend for most of my school years left after GCSE's barely maintained contact with me and within 12 months had become a mother. During my sixth form years at the same school I suddenly had to try and make new friendships but by that stage everyone was sorted into their little groups. I had friends, people I spent time with and liked but no real best mate.

I had one very good friend, Milla, who you will recognise as my Bridesmaid and one real long time friend. We didn't go to school together and met through Guides. At seventeen we joined Venture Scouts and that's where the bulk of my friends came from in my truly formative years. At my wedding not one of the people there was someone I had been at school with (apart from my sister.) My friends were my Onnward VSU colleagues, the five mooses from uni and people James and I have come to know through our church. James had lots of friends from school at the wedding. But these people too have become my friends, as we live in his home town and many are still here.

I have friends. None of these are particularly deep or best friends, but they are important people in my life, and people with whom I am happy and glad to share things with. I am not a girlie girl, and letting people in is a challenge for me.

Facebook was like one big popularity contest. A giant playground. It is strangely and weirdly and nastily addictive. I know what is going on in people's lives without having to talk to them, without having to spend time with them. I can freely share with people my photos and comments and thoughts and everyone who is my friend can see all my other friends. The desire to log on to see if any of my 'friends' have updated anything or added anything is taking over my life. My restlessness and unhappiness with my own life situation drives me to peruse others lives and wish for more when I have been given SO much more than I need, and grace in abundance too.

What I should be doing is turning to God and to my husband, who is TRUELY my best friend on this earth, and talking to them, seeking their counsel and guidance. I should be soaking myself in God's word, and listening for Him speaking through the storm.

I have deactivated my Facebook account, and opened my Bible. I believe there will come a time when the two can exist in harmony in my life, but for now there is only one Book for me.

Hannah x

Thanks Bee Lady I love LOLCat

2007-07-19T15:06:00.001+01:00

Your Score: Sad Cookie Cat

70% Affectionate, 43% Excitable, 51% Hungry

You are the classic Shakespearian tragedy of the lolcat universe. The sad story of a baking a cookie, succumbing to gluttony, and in turn consuming the very cookie that was to be offered. Bad grammar ensues.

To see all possible results, checka dis.

Link: The Which Lolcat Are You? Test written by GumOtaku on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

2007-07-11T10:43:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling blue. It's not post-wedding blues, its worse than that.

Married life is great, and being married is great. We're loving our marriage times, and we're trying to get the house straightened out.

This is not the issue.

I am not fulfilling my purpose

(update - I can't finish this post but I'm publishing it anyway 26.07.07)

Never go jogging - it makes the ice in your glass jump

2007-07-03T09:49:00.000+01:00

As you have all probably worked out, from the link to the left, I am running the Hydro Active Women's Challenge 5K again this year - with one difference: Sisters are doing it for themselves!
I can no longer remember why we decided to run together but I think it was some sort of motivational challenge.
Alice has decided to don her trainers after a couple of years of encouraging people to run 26.2 miles for her charity.
So I had better get back in training.......
We're running for Leukaemia CARE and if you want to give up some money then click on the link on the left. Cheers! Hx

Nicked

2007-06-26T08:58:00.000+01:00

Had to call the Police again yesterday evening.
James took my car to work for the first time - his new employer requires him to use his own car for business purposes and he adjusted my insurance for this on Saturday.
Anyway he went on his scheduled visit in the morning. Then he received a call requiring him to go out again unplanned. On returning to the car park he was in a rush and didn't take the front out of the car stereo.
Two hours later he returned to the car to come home.
No stereo.
Damaged drivers door lock.
Bugger.
My first ever insurance claim is now underway.
Yesterday was a bit pants, it feels like it's been a long week already.
Hannah

Social Comment

2007-06-25T11:18:00.000+01:00

I called the police today before 8am.
Walking from Clapham Junction towards my normal bus stop I encountered the usual rowdy crowd of schoolchildren. But today something was up. They are usually noisy and shouting to each other across the street but today the tone was different. Their eyes glinted with something very scary. They seemed to fill the pavement more. As I stood at the bus stop for about a minute and watched I could see something was going to happen. They were moving in groups, up and down the street, some on their phones. They were facing off to each other, but this wasn't play fighting. There were groups from two schools.
Before anything actually kicked off I'd made the decision to call 999. I figured for a large group of schoolchildren to be this intimidating and wound up before 8am something had to happen. I called the police from my mobile whilst still watching this situation unfold. The operator asked me questions.
How many:? 15 to 25
How old? 13 -14
Any weapons seen? No, thank goodness for small mercies.
As the call came to a close the first punches were thrown and my bus arrived. The operator said the Police were on their way but I didn't stay to find out.
The situation upset me. Because fighting upsets me, and these were kids. No older than the kids I see in my youth group on a Friday. And they were mainly girls. Mainly black. and mainly Muslim. Young women shouting and screaming and kicking and punching.
As I sat on the bus, another woman was also starting her call to the Police. As she held the line, a young man further down the bus asked her if she was calling the Police. When she replied that she was he gave her a torrent of verbal abuse, saying it was a 'normal fight', and that they were 'his sisters' and she had 'no business' calling the police. The woman stood up for herself, quite rightly pointing out that kids are being killed on the streets of South London at the moment, and there is no such thing as a normal fight. I thought about backing her up, but decided against it. Why? because I feared for my own safety, because I am white and neither of the people on the bus were. Perhaps that's why the Police didn't receive 40 calls this morning from people standing at bus stops at Clapham Junction, becasue we are scared of what will happen if we speak out adn stand up for justice.
When did we become a society that looks on and lets our young people dish out their own violent justice? When did young people take justice into their own hands? When did gangs form on the streets of South London, and become an acceptable way of life for our kids?
How many kids have to die before something changes?
Hannah

Train Trauma

2007-06-21T08:41:00.000+01:00

I am usually quite an organised person, especially when it comes to my Travel Card. I am that smug person who whisks past the massive queue on the Tuesday after Bank Holiday laughing at everyone who forgot to renew their passes. I don't have a season ticket loan scheme at work and because I am not cash rich I have to buy my card on a monthly basis. If my card runs out midweek then I am good at renewing it at Brixton tube. If it runs out at the weekend I am not so good, leaving me annoyed and queueing on a Monday morn.

This Monday was one of those.

Monday is an early start meaning I have to be on the 7.18 train at South Croydon. I arrived at the station at 7.05 with plenty of time to join the two people at the ticket machine. I queued, chose my ticket and put in my card. Nothing. No error no nothing. I pulled my card from the machine and joined the by four people queuing at the window. The people moved slowly. The woman in front of me wanted a travel card and a car park pass. Two transactions for the price of one queue space. Not fair. The ding dongs of the train announcement went. It was my turn. I asked for my ticket, put my card in typed my pin. As the printer spat out my ticket the train started to pull in, and it printed my receipt I was half way through the door of the ticket office.

Card, wallet, tickets, hand bag and book bag in hand I sprinted, two and half inch wedges, down the stairs, through, the subway, up the stairs and towards the open train door. I took a running jump at the door and

SPLAT

I caught the toe of my shoe on the ledge of the door and literally flew head first into the carriage. Hands full my brain must have decided that twisting and falling on my shoulder was the best way. I am sure I heard people go 'ooooooooo' as I landed and one woman asked me if I was OK. OK? yes. Embarrassed? Definitely. I gingerly stood up and in true commuter style acted as if nothing had happened, despite the stinging in my right knee. I rearranged my trousers - damn I'm glad I wore good pants! Thankfully at East Croydon a seat became available and I spent the rest of the journey eyes closed in prayer. Please God let the ground swallow me up must have been in there.

Safely plonked on the bus at Clapham I inspected my knee to find true seven year old style playground grazes and the start of some lovely bruising. This has got slowly worse over the week with bruises on my right knee and sore muscles in my left shoulder.

If I learnt one thing from this incident its wear flat shoes on the day you forget to renew your season ticket - or just buy it earlier!

Hannah

Putting the Out in Scouting!

2007-05-31T11:28:00.000+01:00

Last weekend well and truly marked the end of our honeymoon, as James and I, and Ken, Doug, Matt and Colin took 23 of our Cubs and Scouts to Croydon District Centenary Camp.

It was well organised on the whole and there were lots of adventurous activities to do on site for the kids.

Whitsun bank holiday weekend had been earmarked by the Scout Association as a weekend for Districts to celebrate the centenary on a local scale. Many by camping

However no one had informed the weather.

Friday was sunny, I wore flip flops to work. Hooray I thought a weekend at camp in the sun, with nothing to do but provide three meals a day for my small charges. Friday night stayed clear, but as the sun went down, and the opening ceremony started the temperature dropped, and dropped. At 3am I woke James up and made him swap sleeping bags, because despite the fact I was wearing socks, joggers, a t-shirt and a hoodie with my sleeping bag cord drawn around my face I was still cold.

Saturday morning was grey, but dry, and cold. The Beavers arrived for their fun day and the clouds got thicker. Then the rain came. and stayed. The campfire was in a tent, and we went to bed hoping for a better Sunday.

Sunday was wet. For 24 hours. I'm glad I picked up my waterproof trousers. Sunday night's campfire was inside too. A meeting of group representatives was called. A severe weather warning was in place, for gale force winds and people began to leave the site. Leaving behind tents and kit.

We stayed, and pegged in our tents firmly, and storm guyed our mess tent. The wind got stronger, and those who had left site hadn't secured their tents. Havoc ensued. James and Doug helped to go round site and secure badly pitched canvas. They were narrowly missed by a flying toilet tent.....and full toilet.

Monday morning showed no let up, activities were cancelled and everyone went home to the warmth and dry of a solid structure.

It was hard work, and had it not been for the technical knowledge of our leaders we would have blown away.

When our County Commissioner opened camp on Friday night he said that Croydon Camp 2007 was about putting the 'out' into Scouting. I'm all for that, but boy I was glad to get 'in' to my house on Monday evening, and stand under a hot shower.

We're doing it all again in July - here's hoping for better weather.

H x

Here comes the bride......

2007-05-19T17:32:00.000+01:00

On December 30th 2005 James Gordon asked me to become his wife. On Saturday May 5th 2007 that finally happened. It has taken me a long while to think about what I want to write here and I'm not sure I've quite got it but here goes.
James and I have been a couple for a long time. Six years, six months and three weeks by the time of our wedding day. I have known that he would be the man I would marry for at least six years and six months of that time. We have waited so long for many reasons, but mainly and truthfully I think it was because until James had finished his Masters the time just wasn't right for us to start the next chapter of our lives as man and wife.

Planning our wedding has had its ups and downs, as this blog has known. There are times when commercialism and competition has threatened to cloud the idea of what our wedding should have been about. There were times when I wondered why we were waiting so long. However there was never a time when I wondered why we were doing it at all.

From the outset we talked about how we wanted our wedding to be a celebration. First and foremost we wanted it to be a celebration of God's amazing love and grace. We wanted people who don't come to church, who don't know God, to come to our wedding and feel comfortable, we wanted them to be able to learn a bit more about who God is and what He means to us. We wanted the songs to be full of meaning and life and joy and love. We wanted the reading to be serious but accessible. We asked God for His help and He delivered in the way only He can. When the doors of church opened and I saw everyone's faces turn, and the music start I felt overwhelmed with emotion. As I arrived at the top of the aisle on my father's arm, to join James a wave of joy and peace came over me. God took my spirit and said 'this a moment I created for you and you for.' From that moment on I had the most wonderful day of my life. The music was superb (cheers band) and every ounce of me wanted to worship my saviour and creator. Saying my vows, and hearing James' felt like putting the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle.
We wanted to end the ceremony on a high note, with a signal to start the fun so we walked out to the Emmanuel Band's rendition of 'I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles).' Andy Buchanan's native Scottish accent topped it off perfectly. Thank you so much.

The rest of the day was fun, although as everyone had promised, it went far too fast. My only regret is that we spent so much time outside with the photographer and not at our drinks reception. However the food was good and we managed to go round all the tables between courses to say hello and thank you. The speeches were good, my daddy made me cry and Doug made me laugh. The evening was a whirlwind of dancing and hugs and pictures.
It was an exhausted Mr and Mrs Gordon who were driven away from The Warren through a gauntlet of sparklers!
There were times on the day when I thought this is so much fun, I want to do it again. But now I've had a week in Malta enjoying the sunshine and the company of my husband, and we've returned home and started to build our marriage together I've changed my mind. It was a superb, lovely, joyful and exciting day. It was an important day and one that will play through my mind over and over for many years. It was a day when our friends and family came together with God and with us to celebrate our love and commitment to each other. But I realise now that it was a single day in a whole lifetime together. It was like opening a crisp new book, inhaling the glorious new paper smell, and bending the spine a little. The anticipation and excitement is there, but you know that there is a whole story that lies ahead!
Hannah x

I'm getting married

2007-05-01T11:19:00.000+01:00

This might seem like rather an obvious statement, considering that I have now been engaged for 16 months. However over the last week the reality that I am actually going to get married has hit me. And finally the excitement that everyone has promised me is starting to attack me in waves!
There have been a few odd 'lasts' Like on Sunday evening I realised that it was the last time I would leave the church as Hannah Watts, although not the last time I'd enter it ;-)
Sitting in the pub on Saturday evening I caught sight of James' left hand and thought that the next time we're all out on a Saturday evening there will be a wedding ring on that hand.

The actual sequence of the day and the walking down the aisle, saying my vows, all of that still seems like a far off dream. I think the rehearsal will bring it home and saying goodbye to James after that.

I am excited that I am about to start a new chapter in my life, with my husband by my side. I am excited that two families are coming together. I am astounded that this is MY time. Although I think I thought I'd always get married my lack of boyfriends during my formative years was a contra indicator. However God snuck into my life in my first year of Uni and then plonked James in my path in October 2000. The rest is a story for another day but the first chapter closes on Saturday and a new one, with bright shiny clean pages waiting to filled with fun, adventure, sadness, joy, pain and prayer, opens. I cannot wait....

H x

Hannah's Hens

2007-04-26T11:08:00.000+01:00

I've been meaning to write about this for ages.

Firstly I want to say a huge huge thank you to my lil Sis Alice (or Big Chief Bridesmaid) and my bestest friend Milla (or Best Mate Bridesmaid) for their organisation and for looking after me all weekend. I felt truly truly blessed to have so many wonderful friends who came together from around the country to spend a sunny weekend with me.

Saturday saw us meeting at South Croydon to catch the train (and bus replacement) to Brighton. Please note opening and pouring a magnum of fizz, and trying to drink Buck's Fizz from plastic champagne glasses on a moving double Decker bus is not as easy as it sounds! However Bridget Jones style introductions to each other is must. I know Becky J loved being referred to as a Doctor (she is one) and former head girl! And Helen as my pastoral guide!!

Once in Brighton we went for lunch at Momma Cherri's Soul Food Shack (As seen on Ramsey's kitchen nightmares) This place is a MUST if you like relaxed Brighton dining, friendly staff, GREAT food in abundance, yummy cocktails and fab soul music. I am DEFINITELY going back!

The rest of the day was spent on the beach, in the sea (it was really really cold), and on the pier. We had ice cream (with two flakes for the Bride!), and went on the roller coaster (Alice got stuck in it which was amusing in a if we don't laugh we'll cry way and we all got bruises and mild whiplash) and the carousel which even Becky C, the most cautious girl in the world, decided was safe until she realised she hadn't got a pole to hold on to!

The evening saw us mass ordering Pizza (thanks to Jon J for the 50% off voucher), playing singstar (Singstar 80s and Singstar anthems no less - I'm hooked) and watching wedding Crashers (Confetti will have to wait until the day before the wedding!!). The loveliest bit on Saturday was getting presents from people. A real range of wonderful treats, inlcuing lingerie, pampering Sanctuary smellies, Funny books, The Prophet, and a very special necklace from Rach (a cross in a stone) with a card explaining the reasons behind it. It had me in tears. I love all you girls.

Sunday was Rugby Day! Suited and Booted we caught another set of trains to Reading, where we met with three of my my mooses, reunited all five of us for the first time since Becky C got married, and my mummy.

We had champagne to start, more introductions, more presents including heart cookie cutters, a table cloth for my bottom drawer, Bart Simpson's guide to life and a signed Worcester Warriors shirt. Thank you all again.

We lost the rugby but the sun shone and I shouted plenty! I met Mike Catt afterwards, but no Warriors :-( and I played rugby in three inch wedges with Delon Armitage's brother!

The best thing about it all is that I get to see all of these wonderful women in just over a week and they've all chosen to come and witness me becoming Mrs Gordon and party the night away with us all. Awesome!!!

Photos are HERE and HERE and on Facebook xxxx

Called Home

2007-04-20T10:51:00.000+01:00

Well what roller coaster of emotions I've been through this last week or so.

Everything can't go in one blog post so to start with I wanted to write about Grandad's funeral last Tuesday 17th April.
I was mainly fine, and quite calm and peaceful. It was odd being in Granddad's house without him there.
The drive to the crematorium was fine, all 5 of us (Mum, Dad, Alice James and me) in one car. At the gates of the Crematorium we were met by a piper. Granddad was a drummer in the regimental pipe band, and having a piper at his funeral was one of his requests. As soon as I heard the music the tears came. It's funny how music can elicit emotions. I think it was a suitably grand exit for a man who was brave, strong and amazing but would never have told you so! The service was good, we had it in the chapel at the crematorium, and I read 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 which you can read HERE. James read Psalm 91, the Soldiers' Psalm and Alice read a poem.
Dad spoke about Granddad which was lovely. I like hearing the stories and the memories. I hope they will be part of the story of my life, and the stories my kids hear.
It was a sad day, and a sad time but throughout the day and the service a gentle sense of calmness surrounded me. God whispered gently in my ear, and wiped my tears away.
Death, funerals and endings are sad, but Granddad was ready to be called home, and as the words of one of my favourite songs says:
'' 'Til he returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand."
And it is that thought that keeps me going.
H x

Sad

2007-04-10T16:32:00.000+01:00

My granddad died last Sunday, April 1st. He was 87. I loved him very much and I am very sad that he has died. I'm sad that I won't be able to play him the MP3 of my wedding service, and that I won't be able to sit down with him and show him the photos of my wedding.
I'm sad because he was a great man, a brave man and a family man.
However I am really grateful that he' s not in pain anymore, and that his worn out body isn't needed because he has freedom in heaven. I'm really excited that he gets to see my Gran again who died in October 2004. I'm really glad that they both get to be at my wedding, watching over us all together from Heaven. I'm glad that there will be reminders of them both at the wedding: Dad's Cameron tie, and I'll wear Gran's engagement ring.
I'm sad because my family are sad, I'm sad because I won't get emails or text messages from him anymore. Yes my Grandfather was a silver surfer techno whizz and I'm so proud of that. I'm sad because funerals are sad (his is on 17th) and death is sad.
I happy that my Granddad lived for 87 long years, and until very recently he was well enough to take his caravan to Scotland. I'm happy that he and Gran used to have me and my sister to stay in the summer holidays and we used to go to Jolly Giant Toy Shop, and McDonald's drive through and take the Psycho Dog out on Cannock Chase (I wasn't sad when the dog died!). I'm happy that my Gran used to knit me clothes, including a ridiculous turquoise crop top that I REALLY wanted!
It's very odd having this juxta position of death and new beginnings and weddings. I had some very good news from a friend last week too to remind me of the circle of life. It reminds me that God is good, He is so in control. He is also loving and strong. Death reminds me of my fragility but also of my need to lean on God. I'm so glad that I know God and He knows me. I'm glad I can talk to Him and question Him.
I'm even happy that sometimes I don't get answers.
I'm glad that I can pray and God doesn't judge me. I'm happy that I can pray and God listens. I'm glad that I can pray and God doesn't mind if it doesn't make sense.
I'm happy that God knows my pain and has promised never to give me more than I can deal with.
I'm happy that James led me to God and that we can pray together.
I'm happy that one day I'll see Granddad again.
Hannah x

Amazing Grace

2007-04-03T14:04:00.000+01:00

James and I went with our friends from MINT (the 18- 30ish group from church) to see Amazing Grace at the cinema. I don't really know what I was expecting, and I'm not usually a costume drama type of girl. I'd seen mixed reviews but went with an open mind.

I came away with a much clearer picture of the historical facts surrounding Wilberforce and his bill. It was a good portrayal of his friendship with William Pitt the Younger (played by the rather scrummy Benedict Cumberbatch) and his struggle with God and illness.

There were many good bits including a scene where Wilberforce is lying in the dewy grass one morning. He has a conversation with his butler about God. The butler says: 'You've found God sir?' and Wilberforce replies' Well it's more a case of He found me. Do you have any idea how inconvenient that is?' What a great line, and oh so true.

The final scene with Pipers outside Westminster Abbey gave me shivers down my spine.

I also came to the realisation that the big film vans outside Holy Trinity Clapham (that I go past on the bus daily) must have been for this film. Shame I didn't bump into Ioann Grufydd at all!

I came away from the cinema feeling more informed, and strangely encouraged. It wasn't a film about the horrors of slavery, and it didn't give a story from a slave's perspective but it was good to watch. H x

Major Job Announcement

2007-03-28T11:02:00.000+01:00

Just over a year ago I wrote this post: Calm
It included the line: 'I just really feel that I have given it all to God and He will deal with it. ' with regards to my job situation.
Since then I have remained at my current organisation working with people who have physical and sensory disabilities in Lambeth trying to promote and develop Service User Involvement. Funding finally came through at the end of June after living on month to month notice from early March. That small amount of money was only up until the end of March 2007.
So I've spent this year in a flux, a state of unknowing, uncertainty and unfulfillment. I've applied for several jobs. I've had interviews with The National Autistic Society, Shelter, The City of London, Diabetes UK, and a christian charity. I got offered one job, but it wasn't right in many ways.
All this time I've felt strongly that God has it under control. I've prayed before every interview please God let me know if this is right. Let Your will be done. Never was this more necessary than when I was offered a job. My head was saying take it it's a job but God was saying this is not the one. Wait. So I did. Job adverts dried up, time ticked on. Lambeth announced huge voluntary sector cuts. My job looked insecure. The thought of being out of work, and getting married was not appealing. Leaving the people I work with was not appealing either because I really like them all, I like the organisation I work for and I feel like I have more to offer.
So last week after a Friday off I returned to find an email from my boss saying that he had news about User Involvement Funding and we should talk.
There is money! For nearly three years. For a User Involvement Post - joint disabilities and Older Persons. And they offered me the job. And I accepted.
I HAVE A NEW JOB WITH SECURED FUNDING UNTIL JANUARY 2010
WOW
The details are yet to be worked out, but basically I will be joint managed by my current Boss and the CE of Age Concern. Because the money is longer term there will be more specific work plan, targets and deadlines. The stuff I thrive on. I will have purpose and drive. Hooray.
And in the midst of it all I can see God sitting there, arms crossed saying 'Now do you understand?'
He has provided for me in a truly amazing and unexpected way. In a way that fits me and suits me and feels perfect for my life right now.
Thank You God. Sorry that I doubted you. Thank you for believing in me even when I wavered from you. Please help me to use this job opportunity to glorify You further. Amen
H x

Got to Goal!

2007-03-26T10:01:00.000+01:00

At my Weight Watchers meeting on Thursday March 15th I weighed in at 12 stone, 2.5 lb giving me a BMI of 24. I had originally wanted to get to 12 stone. Well I like round numbers, but after a great chat with a lovely leader I reset my goal at 12 stone 3 lb. The top end of my BMI is 12 stone 6lb, which is the weight I could have become a GOLD member.
OK science bit over.
I joined Weight Watchers on May 25th last year and I have been a member for 43 weeks. In total I lost 46lb. The challenge now is to stay this weight.
I know I sound like an advert but Weight Watchers has changed my life. It has taught a whole new attitude to food. I can honestly say there has never been a time when I've felt like I was missing out on something. As I've lost weight it has been easier to exercise. Running the Hydro Active in September was a major achievement for me, the former cross country cheater. I feel better about myself, and I have learnt how to have time for me, a challenge for someone as perpetually busy as me.
I'd love to say that losing weight was really really hard but it wasn't. There were times, and weeks when it was a struggle, or days when I'd eaten all my points and I still wanted more food. There were weeks where a visit to the gym didn't materialise, or I stopped counting points or stated deceiving myself about how much I'd eaten. These were the weeks, I stayed the same weight, or put some on. Christmas was difficult but I accepted I would put on weight, and I did. I don't think I ate as much as I have in former years, and nor did I want to. James has been very very supportive and I couldn't have done it without his help. I love him very much for this, he has never had to lose weight in his life!
I have been counting points for the whole time I've been doing Weight Watchers, but there is another plan called 'Core' which is a list of foods you can eat freely until you are full at meal times, and snack on fruit in between. My plan is to stay on points until after the wedding, then learn how to maintain using a mixture of Core and Points. I am determined that this is how it is going to be from now on. Food and I have an uneasy relationship, and I will be easily seduced again if I am not careful. However I am happier with the new way of things and I am positive about the future.
So here are some before and after photos:

March 24th 2007

A picture of me

2007-03-20T13:26:00.000Z

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I wasn't going to skank this from the several blogs I've seen it on but I like it, and it's broadly accurate. Have a go yourself if you want....

Anti Slavery Links

2007-03-15T18:32:00.000Z

Sign the anti-slavery internation declaration here: Anti Slavery

and Stop the Traffik here: stopthetraffik

Thanks Liz, Beckie and Daddy!

Cargo

2007-03-14T13:47:00.000Z

On Saturday night James and I joined his parents and lots of other people at church for a preview of Cargo, Paul Field's new musical production looking at slavery. It tells the story of the end of the slave trade but then turns its attention to slavery today.
Stop the Traffik, an international charity focused on ending people trafficking, estimate that there are 12 million people in slavery today. A large proportion of these are children under 16.
I'm angry, and upset, and annoyed, and disturbed, and shaken.
Cargo was amazing. It wasn't fun or frivolous but it rocked me to my core, challenged me and nagged me. I spent a large proportion of the evening on the verge of tears, trying to comprehend the facts, trying to understand the feelings of the slaves, both of 200 hundred years ago and now. God was challenging me, nagging me to DO something.
It feels quite hopeless, and a strong sense of apathy creeps up on me, an apathy that infects too many of us today. I find myself asking the question 'What can I do?' 'What difference can I make?'
Well I'm going to try and find out. The worst offence I can commit is to do nothing.
The visual presentations that accompanies the music and spoken words of Cargo included this quote from the anthropologist Margaret Mead:
‘Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world’
Gosh. Now there's a challenge.
H x

You are mine

2007-03-13T12:32:00.000Z

I don't usually post pieces of scripture but I wanted to put this here as a reminder to myself. I am not mine, I belong to God. God has called me by my name to live and work for him. In return he will be with me always. He will protect me and comfort me. He will love me like no other. He has saved me, and will be my saviour every day of my life. My mum, as part of her recovery from cancer, made a healing quilt. She asked both Alice and I to write our favourite comfort quotes on fabric to be included.. This was mine. I still take great comfort in it. I can almost feel myself being calmed and comforted by God's almighty grace as I slow my breathing down and hear God' still small voice of calm saying these words directly to me.

'But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour; " '
Isaiah 43: 1-3